Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
Other people who are shunned and how it makes me feel
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 677498" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>I don't know Cedar, it's not so much about making amends as it is about being close. She wants us to be a tight knit family, with Christmas and Birthday card sending, all of that. We were not really close after our teen years. Brother stayed on the East Coast to graduate. Lil sis is 5 years under me, and we love one another, but not too much communication. Older sis, well she is an entirely different story. If someone <em>agrees</em> with her, she feels a "closeness".</p><p>I used to call older sis quite regularly. After the big move over here, then the hightailing it back, I had to examine things. I realized as long as I played by her rules, we would have a relationship. It was not balanced. I wasn't considered an equal, much less allowed my own feelings and opinion.</p><p>I don't think mom has any ulterior motives, she wants us to be <strong><em>family. </em></strong>The problem with this is that we are supposed to just ignore the dominance sis desires<strong><em>.</em></strong> Ignore and wash over the extremes she goes to, to assert her way.</p><p>My brother and older sis used to be really close, but with dad's illness, and sis insistence on controlling things, bro was real upset with that. He saw her in action, she dominated and had this grandiose idea that she was the champion for dad's care. It caused a huge rift.</p><p>Then, mom became ill and there were promises made that were not kept. Sis dropped the ball several times. This caused hardship on lil sis and bro. Lil sis stayed with mom throughout her chemo and went home for a bit, big sis promised to stay and help mom, but when lil sis came back, mom was alone, weak on the couch, unable to move. Big sis was not there. This made lil sis very angry.</p><p>So, it is more that mom wants us to be family, but big sis has her own take on reality and conduct, decency and moral code.</p><p>From what I can see, mom has consistently<strong><em> not wanted</em></strong> to address issues which involve big sis, even from our childhood days. I think sis had a lot of control over <em>everything</em>. Nana thought she had <em>spunk</em>, mom just didn't have the energy to buck her, so just let things go.</p><p>It is amazing to me how one child can have so much influence over an entire family.</p><p></p><p>It will be interesting to see how it all plays out when mom becomes more ill.......but brother and lil sis pretty much have big sis pegged now.</p><p>They have seen up close and personal, what she is capable of, so, we shall see.</p><p></p><p>My situation is different, it is more that mom would rather ignore the bullying behavior than address it. I do not see mom as manipulative or orchestrating things. </p><p>In reality, confronting big sis does no good, she will just throw a tantrum, and it is always everyone else's fault.</p><p>Classic eh?</p><p>How the heck can one person have so much power? </p><p>Sis is shunning me, has been for a couple years. But, during Holiday gatherings, she makes sure to call from her phone. It's weird. Like a <em>show.</em></p><p> I better be ready for the finale, it is sure to be something of a<em> showdown.</em></p><p></p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 677498, member: 19522"] I don't know Cedar, it's not so much about making amends as it is about being close. She wants us to be a tight knit family, with Christmas and Birthday card sending, all of that. We were not really close after our teen years. Brother stayed on the East Coast to graduate. Lil sis is 5 years under me, and we love one another, but not too much communication. Older sis, well she is an entirely different story. If someone [I]agrees[/I] with her, she feels a "closeness". I used to call older sis quite regularly. After the big move over here, then the hightailing it back, I had to examine things. I realized as long as I played by her rules, we would have a relationship. It was not balanced. I wasn't considered an equal, much less allowed my own feelings and opinion. I don't think mom has any ulterior motives, she wants us to be [B][I]family. [/I][/B]The problem with this is that we are supposed to just ignore the dominance sis desires[B][I].[/I][/B] Ignore and wash over the extremes she goes to, to assert her way. My brother and older sis used to be really close, but with dad's illness, and sis insistence on controlling things, bro was real upset with that. He saw her in action, she dominated and had this grandiose idea that she was the champion for dad's care. It caused a huge rift. Then, mom became ill and there were promises made that were not kept. Sis dropped the ball several times. This caused hardship on lil sis and bro. Lil sis stayed with mom throughout her chemo and went home for a bit, big sis promised to stay and help mom, but when lil sis came back, mom was alone, weak on the couch, unable to move. Big sis was not there. This made lil sis very angry. So, it is more that mom wants us to be family, but big sis has her own take on reality and conduct, decency and moral code. From what I can see, mom has consistently[B][I] not wanted[/I][/B] to address issues which involve big sis, even from our childhood days. I think sis had a lot of control over [I]everything[/I]. Nana thought she had [I]spunk[/I], mom just didn't have the energy to buck her, so just let things go. It is amazing to me how one child can have so much influence over an entire family. It will be interesting to see how it all plays out when mom becomes more ill.......but brother and lil sis pretty much have big sis pegged now. They have seen up close and personal, what she is capable of, so, we shall see. My situation is different, it is more that mom would rather ignore the bullying behavior than address it. I do not see mom as manipulative or orchestrating things. In reality, confronting big sis does no good, she will just throw a tantrum, and it is always everyone else's fault. Classic eh? How the heck can one person have so much power? Sis is shunning me, has been for a couple years. But, during Holiday gatherings, she makes sure to call from her phone. It's weird. Like a [I]show.[/I] I better be ready for the finale, it is sure to be something of a[I] showdown.[/I] leafy [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
Other people who are shunned and how it makes me feel
Top