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Substance Abuse
Our 15 yo son is in Juvi and we are afraid to take him back home
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 410626" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I strongly urge you to consult an attorney ASAP - before he gets released from juvie. The release pattern from juvie seems to be that they give you a call the day before (if you are lucky) or the morning that they want you to come and get him. They don't seem to give you much notice.</p><p> </p><p>You also need to contact Victim's Services and a domestic Violence Center. Victim's Services should help you file a restraining order or temporary protection order. Every member of the family needs one so that he CANNOT come near you. This is because he has made credible threats against your lives and has assaulted you. Even if you have not pressed charges for these in the past you need to go ahead and file. </p><p></p><p>The lawyer can also help you with that. If you cannot afford an attorney, go to the legal aid office and also go to victim's services. If legal aid cannot/will not help, victim's services should. A restraining order is important because it puts teeth into the bite of the law if he violates it. It won't keep him from coming around and hurting you, but it will mean longer time in juvie if he does. In some areas it means he will be tried as an adult instead of a juvenile.</p><p> </p><p>The lawyer should be able to tell you how to turn custody over to the state or otherwise force them to put him in foster care or a group home. You will likely be charged child support calculated on your income and the number of children in the home. I don't think you can disrupt the adoption because it was from another country. The lawyer will know more about that. The lawyer should be able to help with a restraining order. If the lawyer tries to tell you that you cannot file a restraining order against your own child, don't take his word for it. He may be correct, but go to victim's services anyway and ask them to help. If nothing else ask them to at least submit it and let you speak to a judge. </p><p> </p><p>You need to go to the domestic violence center for several reasons. They can help you figure out what your options are. Stress that you need to protect your wife and your other children from him. They will have resources that other sources do not. It is why you go to all of these groups - each one may have something that the others do not know about. The domestic violence center will also set up counselling for the entire family at NO cost to you. Each of you NEEDS this to deal with the reality that this teen has seriously abused each of you.</p><p> </p><p>After he is out of the home and the other kids learn that he isn't coming back there will be problems. They will be afraid you will kick them out too. You will need help to convince them otherwise. You also have to get them into therapy so that they can learn that they do NOT deserve to be abused and do NOT have to tolerate it. You will learn a LOT more about hwat he has done, and been doing, to them that you don't even have a clue of. I am sure they have hidden a LOT because they are terrifed of him. This all has to be dealt with in therapy. Counselors at DV centers are very experienced with the unique probelms created by violence in the family. </p><p> </p><p>It will be hard for you and wife to go and admit that you are victims of your child. I had to do this some years back. It was NOT fun, but it helped a LOT. Chances are you will get both group and individual therapy. You may not fit into the men's groups because they tend to be for abusers. You may be in a co-ed group for men and women who have been abused. Or just in individual therapy. Even if there are not other men int herapy as victims, you are NOT the only man who is a victim. Men just don't come forward as often, not nearly as often. It is important that your younger son sees you getting hel pto deal with this - it will show him that it is okay to talk about it, to admit that it is real and that he needs help. </p><p> </p><p>If they have not treated parents who have been abused by their kids it is ok. They can still help you but they may have to do some research and try new things. You can learn how to handle this together. I promise that you won't be the last one they treat for this. I was the first parent who came to our DV center because my child was beating me. I had forced the sheriff to remove him from my home. Then I went to the judge several times to ask for him to be placed in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) as his sentence for assaulting me. The judge and deputy infuriated me. The deputy would not fill out even an incident report (just says that they went to our home because I claimed my son assaulted me - does not put blame on him or establish any facts except that they came to our home because alleged assault) or give the judge any paperwork. I never did get ANY kind of report or paperwork from the legal system. Not even after the Youth Shelter threw my son out because he kept hugging the girls - did not last 24 hours there.</p><p> </p><p>The first two sessions at the DV center were incredible for me. Largely because they believed me. From there they helped me fight my way out of the numbness of shock, through the agony and pain and rage and all the other feelings to now - where things are pretty darn great. My son managed to turn himself around, but he does NOT have the problems your son does. Given your son's problems I would NOT be hopeful of a major turnaround for him. It just does not seem to be a realistic expectation for a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), esp after they have moved to the point that they are assaulting you and attempting to kill you.</p><p> </p><p>I think your goal should be to turn your difficult child over to foster care. An attorney would be the best person to help you do that, to hopefully avoid being charged with abandonment. If they must charge you with that, it would be preferable to the stress of your life now or to planning your or your wife's funeral. Make sure you knwo what yoru employers will do if you are charged. I would hope and pray that the charges would be dropped after the DA saw the documentation of the problems and all you ahve done to help your son and his assaults and threats against you. </p><p> </p><p>You also need restrainng orders - these can usually be gotten fairly quickly. Make this the first thing you file for. Go to Victim's Services, and a domestic Violence Center to find out what resources they have available for you and what their advice is.</p><p> </p><p>KEEP COMING HERE. You will not find another group of people like this one. No one here will judge you or blame you. We will offer support, advice, friendship and understanding. while we have not all had to insist on sending a child to foster care, we have all lived with children who do things that no one believes, at least at first. We have been there done that and are here for you.</p><p> </p><p>I am sorry that you needed to find us, but am glad that you joined us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 410626, member: 1233"] I strongly urge you to consult an attorney ASAP - before he gets released from juvie. The release pattern from juvie seems to be that they give you a call the day before (if you are lucky) or the morning that they want you to come and get him. They don't seem to give you much notice. You also need to contact Victim's Services and a domestic Violence Center. Victim's Services should help you file a restraining order or temporary protection order. Every member of the family needs one so that he CANNOT come near you. This is because he has made credible threats against your lives and has assaulted you. Even if you have not pressed charges for these in the past you need to go ahead and file. The lawyer can also help you with that. If you cannot afford an attorney, go to the legal aid office and also go to victim's services. If legal aid cannot/will not help, victim's services should. A restraining order is important because it puts teeth into the bite of the law if he violates it. It won't keep him from coming around and hurting you, but it will mean longer time in juvie if he does. In some areas it means he will be tried as an adult instead of a juvenile. The lawyer should be able to tell you how to turn custody over to the state or otherwise force them to put him in foster care or a group home. You will likely be charged child support calculated on your income and the number of children in the home. I don't think you can disrupt the adoption because it was from another country. The lawyer will know more about that. The lawyer should be able to help with a restraining order. If the lawyer tries to tell you that you cannot file a restraining order against your own child, don't take his word for it. He may be correct, but go to victim's services anyway and ask them to help. If nothing else ask them to at least submit it and let you speak to a judge. You need to go to the domestic violence center for several reasons. They can help you figure out what your options are. Stress that you need to protect your wife and your other children from him. They will have resources that other sources do not. It is why you go to all of these groups - each one may have something that the others do not know about. The domestic violence center will also set up counselling for the entire family at NO cost to you. Each of you NEEDS this to deal with the reality that this teen has seriously abused each of you. After he is out of the home and the other kids learn that he isn't coming back there will be problems. They will be afraid you will kick them out too. You will need help to convince them otherwise. You also have to get them into therapy so that they can learn that they do NOT deserve to be abused and do NOT have to tolerate it. You will learn a LOT more about hwat he has done, and been doing, to them that you don't even have a clue of. I am sure they have hidden a LOT because they are terrifed of him. This all has to be dealt with in therapy. Counselors at DV centers are very experienced with the unique probelms created by violence in the family. It will be hard for you and wife to go and admit that you are victims of your child. I had to do this some years back. It was NOT fun, but it helped a LOT. Chances are you will get both group and individual therapy. You may not fit into the men's groups because they tend to be for abusers. You may be in a co-ed group for men and women who have been abused. Or just in individual therapy. Even if there are not other men int herapy as victims, you are NOT the only man who is a victim. Men just don't come forward as often, not nearly as often. It is important that your younger son sees you getting hel pto deal with this - it will show him that it is okay to talk about it, to admit that it is real and that he needs help. If they have not treated parents who have been abused by their kids it is ok. They can still help you but they may have to do some research and try new things. You can learn how to handle this together. I promise that you won't be the last one they treat for this. I was the first parent who came to our DV center because my child was beating me. I had forced the sheriff to remove him from my home. Then I went to the judge several times to ask for him to be placed in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) as his sentence for assaulting me. The judge and deputy infuriated me. The deputy would not fill out even an incident report (just says that they went to our home because I claimed my son assaulted me - does not put blame on him or establish any facts except that they came to our home because alleged assault) or give the judge any paperwork. I never did get ANY kind of report or paperwork from the legal system. Not even after the Youth Shelter threw my son out because he kept hugging the girls - did not last 24 hours there. The first two sessions at the DV center were incredible for me. Largely because they believed me. From there they helped me fight my way out of the numbness of shock, through the agony and pain and rage and all the other feelings to now - where things are pretty darn great. My son managed to turn himself around, but he does NOT have the problems your son does. Given your son's problems I would NOT be hopeful of a major turnaround for him. It just does not seem to be a realistic expectation for a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), esp after they have moved to the point that they are assaulting you and attempting to kill you. I think your goal should be to turn your difficult child over to foster care. An attorney would be the best person to help you do that, to hopefully avoid being charged with abandonment. If they must charge you with that, it would be preferable to the stress of your life now or to planning your or your wife's funeral. Make sure you knwo what yoru employers will do if you are charged. I would hope and pray that the charges would be dropped after the DA saw the documentation of the problems and all you ahve done to help your son and his assaults and threats against you. You also need restrainng orders - these can usually be gotten fairly quickly. Make this the first thing you file for. Go to Victim's Services, and a domestic Violence Center to find out what resources they have available for you and what their advice is. KEEP COMING HERE. You will not find another group of people like this one. No one here will judge you or blame you. We will offer support, advice, friendship and understanding. while we have not all had to insist on sending a child to foster care, we have all lived with children who do things that no one believes, at least at first. We have been there done that and are here for you. I am sorry that you needed to find us, but am glad that you joined us. [/QUOTE]
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Our 15 yo son is in Juvi and we are afraid to take him back home
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