tara,
It's a difficult situation. And you most likely have no say in what your brother decides about difficult child. There comes a point, if you can no longer safely parent a child - there needs to be an alternative.
Adopted children have a much higher incidence of mental health issues; that combined with abuse, neglect & attachment/adoption issues tries the truest & most loving parent.
husband & I had to place wm in a therapeutic group home run by foster parents. It's not right - but he wasn't safe in our home & totally unwilling to allow us to parent him. Never tolerated the intimacy or emotional demands here.
If your brother goes this route he can reframe this - as can you. We are "a family of different addresses". We've get along with the foster parents who run this home - do our best to treat them as family. In turn, foster parents are working with us.
I'm not saying to give up on this child - it's a matter of survival. difficult child choices are his choices.
Sending you very understanding (((hugs))) tonight.
