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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 620561" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Good morning Cedar. I feel a lot of gratitude to "meet" with you each day like this............like meeting a dear friend for tea each day and sharing our innermost thoughts and feelings........you are a treasure Cedar..........really. I value our "time" together.</p><p></p><p>I am glad you feel better today. Perhaps it's best to stay at home when the crying begins.........you don't want any managers asking you to leave............!</p><p></p><p>Well, when we are abused, I think for a time, we abuse ourselves, we take over where they left off, obviously not in it's entirety but certainly self cruelty reigns for some time. Each step out of that is a victory. Each step towards loving oneself and accepting oneself is so precious. You are moving through a lot Cedar, like in your dream.............<em>.be so very kind to yourself now...</em>.....</p><p></p><p>Thank you for asking how I am. Sunday and Monday were odd days. I felt sorrow. I couldn't identify it at first, I sat with it and talked to SO and cried a little bit. (I am quite an expert in tears!) Yesterday I worked and was busy but as the day progressed I started thinking about all the changes SO and I have been making with granddaughter. The last three weeks, since the car accident, have been all about SO and I changing the dynamic between granddaughter and us. It is timely, it is appropriate, it is right............and it feels weird. </p><p></p><p>With my difficult child things were always so dramatic, so challenging, so hard and there was such a back lash. With granddaughter, it just feels mostly like her growing up and we need to establish boundaries which will be healthier for all of us. We have taken a lot off the table, a car, a senior trip, not giving much.........we told her we would put out to her what she is putting out, we would match that since that is real life, what you put out is what you get back. She has "senioritis" big time so she is goofing off a lot. All of that is okay and feels right. </p><p></p><p>It's the stopping of all the giving that struck me.........</p><p></p><p>What I didn't expect and perhaps is a part of the recovery from enabling, is the sadness I feel. I recall a therapist telling me a very long time ago that even when you let go of behavior that you really wanted to let go of, behavior that was in fact harming you.............when that behavior leaves, you grieve............you feel loss............you feel sad. I've been feeling pretty good for quite some time so this sadness was unexpected. </p><p></p><p>I started thinking about how enabling is such a part of my ego...........it defined me in so many ways..........as another therapist mentioned once, "it looks good on paper" you're a good, helping, giving, wonderful character who is selfless..........people admire that...........and I am somewhat embarrassed to admit this, but I had an attachment to that part of me, that's who I've been for so long, not just with my daughter, but within my entire family............I was the "good" one, the helper...........yada, yada, yada................ </p><p></p><p>Over the years I've had to let go of a lot of my attachments to who I thought I was. Each time there was grief and then freedom from that attachment. Little by little I am simply becoming me. I am once again struck by our ability to keep ourselves in the dark where our attachments keep us stuck in having to be a certain way which is to us more acceptable then simply being just us. All of the facades, all of the in-authenticity, all of the pain in trying so hard to hold on to that false persona, and sometimes we die defending our right to be that fake guy. </p><p></p><p>Here in California I observe people fall upon a "spiritual path" and within a very short time their egos place them in the realm of the "enlightened one" on a higher plane then the rest of us mere mortals. One can stay stuck there for a long time since it strokes the ego so well. In reality, quite a large part of the spiritual path is letting go of those egoic tendencies to make ourselves better then, higher then, smarter then, or in my own case, martyred for my amazing ability to help. I am a helper. I want to be of service, it really is who I am. I've had to heal and grow and look at the parts of me that use the helper to cover up my own lack and then use it to be more then I think I am. Sigh. I read once that "the spiritual path is always under construction" I think that is truly the truth. There is no where to get. All we keep on doing is letting go............letting go and then............more letting go............</p><p></p><p>This enabler persona sure has a lot of "lives" ..................</p><p></p><p>Once I admitted all of this to my SO, it lifted. I am a believer in "telling on oneself," it has worked for me to own my "stuff" rather then try to look good and keep it up. It hurts a little and I am embarrassed, and yet on the other hand, I am freer from the grips of that persona. Putting it out there here brings forth more of that vulnerability I spoke about awhile ago.........seems healing brings on more and more of that...........a lot of defenses are gone, not too much control left.........I am naked!! ............... I wonder what persona I will run into next to have to let go of!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 620561, member: 13542"] Good morning Cedar. I feel a lot of gratitude to "meet" with you each day like this............like meeting a dear friend for tea each day and sharing our innermost thoughts and feelings........you are a treasure Cedar..........really. I value our "time" together. I am glad you feel better today. Perhaps it's best to stay at home when the crying begins.........you don't want any managers asking you to leave............! Well, when we are abused, I think for a time, we abuse ourselves, we take over where they left off, obviously not in it's entirety but certainly self cruelty reigns for some time. Each step out of that is a victory. Each step towards loving oneself and accepting oneself is so precious. You are moving through a lot Cedar, like in your dream.............[I].be so very kind to yourself now...[/I]..... Thank you for asking how I am. Sunday and Monday were odd days. I felt sorrow. I couldn't identify it at first, I sat with it and talked to SO and cried a little bit. (I am quite an expert in tears!) Yesterday I worked and was busy but as the day progressed I started thinking about all the changes SO and I have been making with granddaughter. The last three weeks, since the car accident, have been all about SO and I changing the dynamic between granddaughter and us. It is timely, it is appropriate, it is right............and it feels weird. With my difficult child things were always so dramatic, so challenging, so hard and there was such a back lash. With granddaughter, it just feels mostly like her growing up and we need to establish boundaries which will be healthier for all of us. We have taken a lot off the table, a car, a senior trip, not giving much.........we told her we would put out to her what she is putting out, we would match that since that is real life, what you put out is what you get back. She has "senioritis" big time so she is goofing off a lot. All of that is okay and feels right. It's the stopping of all the giving that struck me......... What I didn't expect and perhaps is a part of the recovery from enabling, is the sadness I feel. I recall a therapist telling me a very long time ago that even when you let go of behavior that you really wanted to let go of, behavior that was in fact harming you.............when that behavior leaves, you grieve............you feel loss............you feel sad. I've been feeling pretty good for quite some time so this sadness was unexpected. I started thinking about how enabling is such a part of my ego...........it defined me in so many ways..........as another therapist mentioned once, "it looks good on paper" you're a good, helping, giving, wonderful character who is selfless..........people admire that...........and I am somewhat embarrassed to admit this, but I had an attachment to that part of me, that's who I've been for so long, not just with my daughter, but within my entire family............I was the "good" one, the helper...........yada, yada, yada................ Over the years I've had to let go of a lot of my attachments to who I thought I was. Each time there was grief and then freedom from that attachment. Little by little I am simply becoming me. I am once again struck by our ability to keep ourselves in the dark where our attachments keep us stuck in having to be a certain way which is to us more acceptable then simply being just us. All of the facades, all of the in-authenticity, all of the pain in trying so hard to hold on to that false persona, and sometimes we die defending our right to be that fake guy. Here in California I observe people fall upon a "spiritual path" and within a very short time their egos place them in the realm of the "enlightened one" on a higher plane then the rest of us mere mortals. One can stay stuck there for a long time since it strokes the ego so well. In reality, quite a large part of the spiritual path is letting go of those egoic tendencies to make ourselves better then, higher then, smarter then, or in my own case, martyred for my amazing ability to help. I am a helper. I want to be of service, it really is who I am. I've had to heal and grow and look at the parts of me that use the helper to cover up my own lack and then use it to be more then I think I am. Sigh. I read once that "the spiritual path is always under construction" I think that is truly the truth. There is no where to get. All we keep on doing is letting go............letting go and then............more letting go............ This enabler persona sure has a lot of "lives" .................. Once I admitted all of this to my SO, it lifted. I am a believer in "telling on oneself," it has worked for me to own my "stuff" rather then try to look good and keep it up. It hurts a little and I am embarrassed, and yet on the other hand, I am freer from the grips of that persona. Putting it out there here brings forth more of that vulnerability I spoke about awhile ago.........seems healing brings on more and more of that...........a lot of defenses are gone, not too much control left.........I am naked!! ............... I wonder what persona I will run into next to have to let go of!!! [/QUOTE]
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