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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 620599" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>I am liking the discussion on this thread and there are lots of insights here for all of us who are working hard to change. </p><p></p><p>Telling releases the shame and throws the doors wide open to let the light in. I remember when I started telling my Sponsor things about myself---(I'm still on Step four so haven't even officially gotten to Step five---Admitted to God, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.). I was scared to death to tell her the dark parts of me. But sharing it freed me. I could then let it go. It's like fear---we think feeling the fear will literally kill us but it doesn't. If we don't feel it, we do all kinds of crazy things in an attempt to keep it at bay. </p><p></p><p>I am so glad you have a trusted someone to tell, RE. It is a step on the path to healing, I believe. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh, the sadness. I think there are so many reasons we feel the sadness. First, for the person whose life we can't fix or make better. For them because we love them so much and we want them to have it all. And most of them, they have nothing. That is so hard to watch and to bear. It is sad. </p><p></p><p>Then, the sadness at letting go of who we are. Then, if we are not this, then who are we? We were taught from day one to be helpers and givers---that is the role, especially of females, in our culture. Help others. Don't be selfish. Don't think of yourself. Give freely. Be strong. Don't think about yourself. It's not about you. Help those less fortunate than yourself. </p><p></p><p>On and on and on are the norms, the cliches, the platitudes, the words we live by. And of course, there is truth in them.</p><p></p><p>It's the degree. </p><p></p><p>I like to say this in explaining what happened as I enabled my ex-husband---first I compromised......then I accommodated...then I enabled. I couldn't even see it, it was so subtle, slow and insidious. His alcoholism progressed, and he became "irritable and unreasonable without knowing it." I danced to make him happy, and soon, I was dancing faster and faster and faster, trying harder and harder and harder. </p><p></p><p>Oh, we can't go to that restaurant, he doesn't like to wait. Oh, I'll take care of the car repairs, he'll get upset. Blah, blah, on and on as his world shrank, it became more and more about him and his disease, and less and less about anybody else. I tried to hold it all together. That's what I thought you were supposed to do. You sure didn't pack your tent and leave without giving it all you got, right?</p><p></p><p>Anyway, you know the drill.</p><p></p><p>And then my son---of course, you take care of children. That's a given. But when does caretaking morph into managing which morphs into enabling? It happens, of course it does. Again, hard to see and one day, you wake up. He's nearly 25 years old and his life is a disaster. And although it's not your fault---not my fault, not your fault---we contributed with our enabling. </p><p></p><p>It would have been better if he had faced the music earlier. A lot better. Would it have changed the future? Who knows?</p><p></p><p>I do know this---the whole thing is sad to the core. It's sad for us, because we could have been different, better people much earlier. It's sad for them because we propped people up and that robbed them of the chance to grow and change and take care of themselves---which is a great thing to know you can do. It is life-affirming to know you can chart your own course. It is essential.</p><p></p><p>But one day we have to shake off the sadness, like a dog shakes water off his back. Shake it off! </p><p></p><p>We are also on our own spiritual journey---the one God is guarding and watching over and encouraging us to walk. The path isn't straight. God has lessons for us to learn and we are learning them---oh it is so painful and so sad to learn them---but we ARE. We are slowing growing into the people he always wanted us to be. </p><p></p><p>We couldn't do it without this. People don't grow and change when they are happy, "fat and sassy". They just rest in that, as anybody would. People grow and change when there is discomfort, pain even suffering. We have suffered, all of us. We have gone beyond pain. </p><p></p><p>But like someone said, pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. I am working hard today not to suffer. I acknowledge the pain of all I have done and all others I love have done. We have all done it. </p><p></p><p>This is such an imperfect world. Why don't we get that? We think things are like country music songs, love stories and romantic movies. I'm one of the worst---a hopeless romantic! I freely admit it and claim it! (lol)</p><p></p><p>The path is not going to be straight. </p><p></p><p>The whole point of this, I believe, is to bring us closer to God. To make us know that he is our strength and not ourselves. We can't do it alone. We have to reach out to other people, who represent (re-present) God to us through their actions and their love and their words. We are all connected. We are all in this together. We are not an island. </p><p></p><p>Gosh, I got wound up there. But I think this stuff is profound. Instead of sitting around and wondering why our difficult children do the things they do (which we will NEVER figure out as we all know), let's spend time instead wondering about God's grand plan for each one of us. He wishes us joy and hope and love and abundance and everything good. </p><p></p><p>Let's keep on walking toward that, crying, grieving, stumbling, pounding the ground in anger and despair, but also lifting our faces up to the sun, smiling, laughing and opening our hands and our hearts to all that is available to us.</p><p></p><p>Even if. Even if. Each person---our difficult children, our PCs, us----has to walk his or her own journey and we can't know what that path needs to look like for them.</p><p></p><p>I woke up last night at 1 a.m. heart pounding, thinking my difficult child had died. I told myself to calm down, I read my Kindle for a few minutes and I went back to sleep. That is new behavior for me. I am slowly, slowly, slowly accepting my powerlessness over people places and things. I am powerless but I am not helpless.</p><p></p><p>You guys are great! I am so grateful today for the sun shining, this board, plenty of work to do, and the ability to do it. </p><p></p><p>Let's plan that cruise! <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/cheerful.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":cheerful:" title="cheerful :cheerful:" data-shortname=":cheerful:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 620599, member: 17542"] I am liking the discussion on this thread and there are lots of insights here for all of us who are working hard to change. Telling releases the shame and throws the doors wide open to let the light in. I remember when I started telling my Sponsor things about myself---(I'm still on Step four so haven't even officially gotten to Step five---Admitted to God, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.). I was scared to death to tell her the dark parts of me. But sharing it freed me. I could then let it go. It's like fear---we think feeling the fear will literally kill us but it doesn't. If we don't feel it, we do all kinds of crazy things in an attempt to keep it at bay. I am so glad you have a trusted someone to tell, RE. It is a step on the path to healing, I believe. Oh, the sadness. I think there are so many reasons we feel the sadness. First, for the person whose life we can't fix or make better. For them because we love them so much and we want them to have it all. And most of them, they have nothing. That is so hard to watch and to bear. It is sad. Then, the sadness at letting go of who we are. Then, if we are not this, then who are we? We were taught from day one to be helpers and givers---that is the role, especially of females, in our culture. Help others. Don't be selfish. Don't think of yourself. Give freely. Be strong. Don't think about yourself. It's not about you. Help those less fortunate than yourself. On and on and on are the norms, the cliches, the platitudes, the words we live by. And of course, there is truth in them. It's the degree. I like to say this in explaining what happened as I enabled my ex-husband---first I compromised......then I accommodated...then I enabled. I couldn't even see it, it was so subtle, slow and insidious. His alcoholism progressed, and he became "irritable and unreasonable without knowing it." I danced to make him happy, and soon, I was dancing faster and faster and faster, trying harder and harder and harder. Oh, we can't go to that restaurant, he doesn't like to wait. Oh, I'll take care of the car repairs, he'll get upset. Blah, blah, on and on as his world shrank, it became more and more about him and his disease, and less and less about anybody else. I tried to hold it all together. That's what I thought you were supposed to do. You sure didn't pack your tent and leave without giving it all you got, right? Anyway, you know the drill. And then my son---of course, you take care of children. That's a given. But when does caretaking morph into managing which morphs into enabling? It happens, of course it does. Again, hard to see and one day, you wake up. He's nearly 25 years old and his life is a disaster. And although it's not your fault---not my fault, not your fault---we contributed with our enabling. It would have been better if he had faced the music earlier. A lot better. Would it have changed the future? Who knows? I do know this---the whole thing is sad to the core. It's sad for us, because we could have been different, better people much earlier. It's sad for them because we propped people up and that robbed them of the chance to grow and change and take care of themselves---which is a great thing to know you can do. It is life-affirming to know you can chart your own course. It is essential. But one day we have to shake off the sadness, like a dog shakes water off his back. Shake it off! We are also on our own spiritual journey---the one God is guarding and watching over and encouraging us to walk. The path isn't straight. God has lessons for us to learn and we are learning them---oh it is so painful and so sad to learn them---but we ARE. We are slowing growing into the people he always wanted us to be. We couldn't do it without this. People don't grow and change when they are happy, "fat and sassy". They just rest in that, as anybody would. People grow and change when there is discomfort, pain even suffering. We have suffered, all of us. We have gone beyond pain. But like someone said, pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. I am working hard today not to suffer. I acknowledge the pain of all I have done and all others I love have done. We have all done it. This is such an imperfect world. Why don't we get that? We think things are like country music songs, love stories and romantic movies. I'm one of the worst---a hopeless romantic! I freely admit it and claim it! (lol) The path is not going to be straight. The whole point of this, I believe, is to bring us closer to God. To make us know that he is our strength and not ourselves. We can't do it alone. We have to reach out to other people, who represent (re-present) God to us through their actions and their love and their words. We are all connected. We are all in this together. We are not an island. Gosh, I got wound up there. But I think this stuff is profound. Instead of sitting around and wondering why our difficult children do the things they do (which we will NEVER figure out as we all know), let's spend time instead wondering about God's grand plan for each one of us. He wishes us joy and hope and love and abundance and everything good. Let's keep on walking toward that, crying, grieving, stumbling, pounding the ground in anger and despair, but also lifting our faces up to the sun, smiling, laughing and opening our hands and our hearts to all that is available to us. Even if. Even if. Each person---our difficult children, our PCs, us----has to walk his or her own journey and we can't know what that path needs to look like for them. I woke up last night at 1 a.m. heart pounding, thinking my difficult child had died. I told myself to calm down, I read my Kindle for a few minutes and I went back to sleep. That is new behavior for me. I am slowly, slowly, slowly accepting my powerlessness over people places and things. I am powerless but I am not helpless. You guys are great! I am so grateful today for the sun shining, this board, plenty of work to do, and the ability to do it. Let's plan that cruise! :cheerful: [/QUOTE]
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