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Playing Mind Games with Myself
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 732838" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Acacia, first of all, try hard to let go of the beating yourself up about your reactions to your son's behavior..... you're trying to make sense of and respond to 'insane' behavior........behavior which is not normal or healthy, behavior designed to manipulate, guilt, shame and produce results which continue the enabling. A therapist once told me that "when you engage with crazy people, you too become crazy." (Excuse the term (judgement) "crazy" I am taking the conversation out of context, we were discussing my mentally ill family members and my relentless attempts to make sense out of it all.) I got the point.</p><p></p><p>I was responding AS IF the conversation were normal......it was FAR from normal, it was a tactic to get me feel a certain way so I would produce the desired result. That helped me to stop engaging once I saw it for what it was. I continued to stop engaging and stop engaging and over time, it became considerably easier to stop my part in those circular conversations........and once my part was stopped, the conversations ceased.</p><p></p><p>What also helped me get out of the FOG was to address my own propensity to NOT set strong boundaries, to address the guilt I felt when I did set boundaries and to look at my own fear and sense of powerlessness when I am confronted with things I cannot control. Fortunately I found a course on codependency lead by therapists and I was able to address all of that in a therapeutic situation. I learned how to let go of my own fear and how to accept what I can't change. Although change was precipitated by my daughter's struggles....it ended up being about me.</p><p></p><p>I began looking at it from a more spiritual perspective.....I began reading Eckart Tolle books about staying in the present moment. I read Pema Chodron's books on living with uncertainty and "places that scare you." She's a Buddhist nun who writes beautifully on how to learn to live with chaos and uncertainty. I began meditating and finding quiet time to reflect. I changed my diet and began a rigorous exercise program. I started yoga. I recently started EMDR which is a short term therapy for trauma, it's been extremely helpful. After many, many years of focusing on my daughter's issues, I began focusing on myself and what I wanted and what I was willing to do, what I was not willing to do and what made me happy. That switch in focus was the most important thing I've done to help myself get out of the FOG.</p><p></p><p>I believe as long as we are mired in our kids struggles, all we can do is react to them and their behaviors.........when I shifted the priority to myself, I began "responding" rather than "reacting" because my SELF was filled up and nurtured by ME, and as a result I was calmer, more peaceful, happier, healthier and more open to change. I learned how to step back from the precipice and not respond at all.....I learned how to wait......I learned how to refrain from reacting......I learned good, strong , healthy boundaries so when I was confronted with another inappropriate request, I could step back, figure out how I really felt and respond in my truth. Once I made that switch, my daughter learned how to deal with the new dialogue and things between she and I improved. However, there are parents here who have made the same choices and their adult kids have chosen to have no contact. That IS a risk if you don't offer what it is they want.</p><p></p><p>You've set strong boundaries about your son living with you and coming to your home which are vital and necessary......and now that he is out of jail, it is simply time to fine tune your boundaries....a new opportunity for growth and healing. Don't bother beating yourself up, you've done a good job already.....it's now the next level of letting go and acceptance.</p><p></p><p>I'd encourage you, right now, to begin doing things that make you happy, to focus on what you want and what you need......to put yourself as the PRIORITY.....what we often forget when dealing with our troubled kids is that WE MATTER, OUR LIVES MATTER, OUR DREAMS MATTER, OUR DESIRES MATTER, OUR TRUTH MATTERS.......you matter Acacia....put your son on the back burner of your life and find your joy......I believe that's the fastest path out of the FOG.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 732838, member: 13542"] Acacia, first of all, try hard to let go of the beating yourself up about your reactions to your son's behavior..... you're trying to make sense of and respond to 'insane' behavior........behavior which is not normal or healthy, behavior designed to manipulate, guilt, shame and produce results which continue the enabling. A therapist once told me that "when you engage with crazy people, you too become crazy." (Excuse the term (judgement) "crazy" I am taking the conversation out of context, we were discussing my mentally ill family members and my relentless attempts to make sense out of it all.) I got the point. I was responding AS IF the conversation were normal......it was FAR from normal, it was a tactic to get me feel a certain way so I would produce the desired result. That helped me to stop engaging once I saw it for what it was. I continued to stop engaging and stop engaging and over time, it became considerably easier to stop my part in those circular conversations........and once my part was stopped, the conversations ceased. What also helped me get out of the FOG was to address my own propensity to NOT set strong boundaries, to address the guilt I felt when I did set boundaries and to look at my own fear and sense of powerlessness when I am confronted with things I cannot control. Fortunately I found a course on codependency lead by therapists and I was able to address all of that in a therapeutic situation. I learned how to let go of my own fear and how to accept what I can't change. Although change was precipitated by my daughter's struggles....it ended up being about me. I began looking at it from a more spiritual perspective.....I began reading Eckart Tolle books about staying in the present moment. I read Pema Chodron's books on living with uncertainty and "places that scare you." She's a Buddhist nun who writes beautifully on how to learn to live with chaos and uncertainty. I began meditating and finding quiet time to reflect. I changed my diet and began a rigorous exercise program. I started yoga. I recently started EMDR which is a short term therapy for trauma, it's been extremely helpful. After many, many years of focusing on my daughter's issues, I began focusing on myself and what I wanted and what I was willing to do, what I was not willing to do and what made me happy. That switch in focus was the most important thing I've done to help myself get out of the FOG. I believe as long as we are mired in our kids struggles, all we can do is react to them and their behaviors.........when I shifted the priority to myself, I began "responding" rather than "reacting" because my SELF was filled up and nurtured by ME, and as a result I was calmer, more peaceful, happier, healthier and more open to change. I learned how to step back from the precipice and not respond at all.....I learned how to wait......I learned how to refrain from reacting......I learned good, strong , healthy boundaries so when I was confronted with another inappropriate request, I could step back, figure out how I really felt and respond in my truth. Once I made that switch, my daughter learned how to deal with the new dialogue and things between she and I improved. However, there are parents here who have made the same choices and their adult kids have chosen to have no contact. That IS a risk if you don't offer what it is they want. You've set strong boundaries about your son living with you and coming to your home which are vital and necessary......and now that he is out of jail, it is simply time to fine tune your boundaries....a new opportunity for growth and healing. Don't bother beating yourself up, you've done a good job already.....it's now the next level of letting go and acceptance. I'd encourage you, right now, to begin doing things that make you happy, to focus on what you want and what you need......to put yourself as the PRIORITY.....what we often forget when dealing with our troubled kids is that WE MATTER, OUR LIVES MATTER, OUR DREAMS MATTER, OUR DESIRES MATTER, OUR TRUTH MATTERS.......you matter Acacia....put your son on the back burner of your life and find your joy......I believe that's the fastest path out of the FOG. [/QUOTE]
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