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Please Tell me we are not alone..
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 374721" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>Welcome to the group, although sorry about the circumstances in which we are all being introduced to your family.</p><p></p><p>Indeed, you are FAR from alone. All of us here have one or more children or step children that are struggling with a wide range of issues. We all look back and wonder if we should have noticed sooner, could have addressed things earlier, could have handled things differently, etc. I think for most all of us, denial was a stage we were all at before we were able to see that our child(ren) were in need of help. This is a great place to find advice, wisdom and support from other parents in similar situations and struggling with the same issues you and your family are. </p><p></p><p>I can tell you a little bit about my difficult child. I joined this site about 11 years ago because of my now 17 year old son. He was 6 years old and the problems he was having were at home, not at school (yet). I was overwhelmed and undersupported. Over the course of the past 11 years, long term members have been here to support me as I struggled to find the proper help for my son. At one point I had to have him removed from my home to theraputic foster care for 3 months, to protect my daughter from him (he was starting to act violently) and to try to get more help for him. At another point I called his bluff (He'd play the "I am moving in with my dad" card ... although he'd seen his father maybe half a dozen times in his life) and he moved in with his bio-father for a brief period. His dad threw him out and it broke my heart because he was so against complying at home with me and accepting help, that he went to his grandmother (fathers mother). I held firm that he could move home if and when he was prepared to work WITH me and not against me. that entire period of about 10 months or so was the longest period of time in my life. I have never cried so much. At the same time I knew in my heart my difficult child needed to know my line in the sand had been crossed and that I really needed him to get on board with his own therapy etc. After 10 agonizing months, he came home. He was ready. </p><p></p><p>There was a literal overnight difference. That was 3 years ago now, he's been back home since. I can honesty say that I have watched this amazing young man morph into a child I was afraid of, afraid for, figured for never finishing school and ending up in jail or worse, into a young man who I am incredibly proud of. He has complied with all of our house rules. H is respectful and behaves as a part of this family should behave. He still hates school but he attends and does what needs to be done. He starts his final year of high school this year and is planning to attend University. He spent his entire young life angry, bitter, jaded. He had zero social skills and had zero self worth or esteem. He felt unworthy of praise and felt he didnt deserve good things. He imagined himself unloved and unlovable. Now? He thanks me for having called his bluff and leaving him go off as he did.He swears to this day that had I not showed the tough love, he'd be in trouble at this age, big trouble. He now laughs and accepts praise, joins in family events, interacts normally, allows himself to be happy, has no anger and any misbehaviour is just normal typical teen stuff. </p><p></p><p>Honestly, our history is summed up above but doesn't do justice to the problems my difficult child had. There IS hope. There is ALWAYS hope. We can only do what we can do at any given point and focus on doing our very best for our kids. Looking back and thinking you could have done xyz sooner etc won't serve you, will only hurt you and won't serve your son. When you know different, you do different. So that's a good start. you know your son needs some help and that means you can start working towards that. It sounds like the professionals you've been speaking with are recognizing your son is having problems. This is GOOD. So often our children go unassisted despite our pleas, because professionals can't see the issues we see. It is something you'll probably hear alot about as you read others threads over time. I would offer that you should just skip over the comments that you "should have brought him in sooner". Bottom line, most of us parents want and need to try everything in our personal aresenal first. We want to believe we can do this through love and parenting and structure and discipline etc. And then one day we realize the issues are bigger than us, bigger than any parent. And then we all do what you have done, reach out for professional help. </p><p></p><p>I hope that you find this site to be as helpful as I and many others have over the years. Truly I've learned so much from the wonderful parents here. I've learned to never judge, never say never, there is always hope, what works for some won't work for others, that it takes special people to be warriors for special children and by virtue of showing up on this site marks us all with that stamp of warrior parent. We all end up here because we are looking at any avenue to help us to help our children.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 374721, member: 4264"] Welcome to the group, although sorry about the circumstances in which we are all being introduced to your family. Indeed, you are FAR from alone. All of us here have one or more children or step children that are struggling with a wide range of issues. We all look back and wonder if we should have noticed sooner, could have addressed things earlier, could have handled things differently, etc. I think for most all of us, denial was a stage we were all at before we were able to see that our child(ren) were in need of help. This is a great place to find advice, wisdom and support from other parents in similar situations and struggling with the same issues you and your family are. I can tell you a little bit about my difficult child. I joined this site about 11 years ago because of my now 17 year old son. He was 6 years old and the problems he was having were at home, not at school (yet). I was overwhelmed and undersupported. Over the course of the past 11 years, long term members have been here to support me as I struggled to find the proper help for my son. At one point I had to have him removed from my home to theraputic foster care for 3 months, to protect my daughter from him (he was starting to act violently) and to try to get more help for him. At another point I called his bluff (He'd play the "I am moving in with my dad" card ... although he'd seen his father maybe half a dozen times in his life) and he moved in with his bio-father for a brief period. His dad threw him out and it broke my heart because he was so against complying at home with me and accepting help, that he went to his grandmother (fathers mother). I held firm that he could move home if and when he was prepared to work WITH me and not against me. that entire period of about 10 months or so was the longest period of time in my life. I have never cried so much. At the same time I knew in my heart my difficult child needed to know my line in the sand had been crossed and that I really needed him to get on board with his own therapy etc. After 10 agonizing months, he came home. He was ready. There was a literal overnight difference. That was 3 years ago now, he's been back home since. I can honesty say that I have watched this amazing young man morph into a child I was afraid of, afraid for, figured for never finishing school and ending up in jail or worse, into a young man who I am incredibly proud of. He has complied with all of our house rules. H is respectful and behaves as a part of this family should behave. He still hates school but he attends and does what needs to be done. He starts his final year of high school this year and is planning to attend University. He spent his entire young life angry, bitter, jaded. He had zero social skills and had zero self worth or esteem. He felt unworthy of praise and felt he didnt deserve good things. He imagined himself unloved and unlovable. Now? He thanks me for having called his bluff and leaving him go off as he did.He swears to this day that had I not showed the tough love, he'd be in trouble at this age, big trouble. He now laughs and accepts praise, joins in family events, interacts normally, allows himself to be happy, has no anger and any misbehaviour is just normal typical teen stuff. Honestly, our history is summed up above but doesn't do justice to the problems my difficult child had. There IS hope. There is ALWAYS hope. We can only do what we can do at any given point and focus on doing our very best for our kids. Looking back and thinking you could have done xyz sooner etc won't serve you, will only hurt you and won't serve your son. When you know different, you do different. So that's a good start. you know your son needs some help and that means you can start working towards that. It sounds like the professionals you've been speaking with are recognizing your son is having problems. This is GOOD. So often our children go unassisted despite our pleas, because professionals can't see the issues we see. It is something you'll probably hear alot about as you read others threads over time. I would offer that you should just skip over the comments that you "should have brought him in sooner". Bottom line, most of us parents want and need to try everything in our personal aresenal first. We want to believe we can do this through love and parenting and structure and discipline etc. And then one day we realize the issues are bigger than us, bigger than any parent. And then we all do what you have done, reach out for professional help. I hope that you find this site to be as helpful as I and many others have over the years. Truly I've learned so much from the wonderful parents here. I've learned to never judge, never say never, there is always hope, what works for some won't work for others, that it takes special people to be warriors for special children and by virtue of showing up on this site marks us all with that stamp of warrior parent. We all end up here because we are looking at any avenue to help us to help our children. [/QUOTE]
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