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Positive thoughts about difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 427341"><p>Allan - I am going to be really honest here.... A lot of what you say is very true and also obvious. I think we all know our kids have issues and struggles. I would also agree that kids want to be successful and for some reason their struggles get in their way and if we can help them navigate those that will help them. I think what bothers me is that you give this general advice without necessarily understanding what our individual difficult children are sturggling with... kind of there is this one answer, this is it, and if you do this collaborative problem solving then all will be well and your difficult child will turn into a easy child. </p><p></p><p>If there is one thing I have learned is there is no one answer, one way of child rearing. I sometimes feel from your posts that you are saying that if I had only done it right then my difficult child would be ok now.... or if I start doing this now, all will be well. I know that this makes me feel pretty defensive.</p><p></p><p>Fact is over the years I have done a lot of what you suggest. I have also made mistakes as we all do. My son certainly has some big issues and now at the age of 19 it is really up to him to figure out. I can be there to help him but only if he wants and asks for my help. It really is not up to me any longer.</p><p></p><p>I think drug use is a big issue in and of itself. Drugs are a powerful master... and no amount of collaborative problem solving is going to deal with a drug problem, unless the addict wants help. If they are using all bets are off in my opinion.</p><p></p><p>You clearly have some good experience and some good ideas. I think it would be more helpful to this group if you gave concrete suggestions to particular situations rather than generalizations about kids or children in general. Often those don't feel applicable to kids over 18 who may be hardly communicating with their parents at that point. The generalizations don't always sound like they make sense when talking about a young adult... and yet in one of your posts about keeping your distance when the kid has a drug problem and doesn't want help makes sense.... but you certainly don't get that from your look for the positives generalization.</p><p></p><p>Right now with my son I have gotten very clear about my goals which are not to enable his drug use, and to show him I love him and will support him in his recovery. We are taking small steps to build a better relationship. I am also really working on taking care of myself in this process.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 427341"] Allan - I am going to be really honest here.... A lot of what you say is very true and also obvious. I think we all know our kids have issues and struggles. I would also agree that kids want to be successful and for some reason their struggles get in their way and if we can help them navigate those that will help them. I think what bothers me is that you give this general advice without necessarily understanding what our individual difficult children are sturggling with... kind of there is this one answer, this is it, and if you do this collaborative problem solving then all will be well and your difficult child will turn into a easy child. If there is one thing I have learned is there is no one answer, one way of child rearing. I sometimes feel from your posts that you are saying that if I had only done it right then my difficult child would be ok now.... or if I start doing this now, all will be well. I know that this makes me feel pretty defensive. Fact is over the years I have done a lot of what you suggest. I have also made mistakes as we all do. My son certainly has some big issues and now at the age of 19 it is really up to him to figure out. I can be there to help him but only if he wants and asks for my help. It really is not up to me any longer. I think drug use is a big issue in and of itself. Drugs are a powerful master... and no amount of collaborative problem solving is going to deal with a drug problem, unless the addict wants help. If they are using all bets are off in my opinion. You clearly have some good experience and some good ideas. I think it would be more helpful to this group if you gave concrete suggestions to particular situations rather than generalizations about kids or children in general. Often those don't feel applicable to kids over 18 who may be hardly communicating with their parents at that point. The generalizations don't always sound like they make sense when talking about a young adult... and yet in one of your posts about keeping your distance when the kid has a drug problem and doesn't want help makes sense.... but you certainly don't get that from your look for the positives generalization. Right now with my son I have gotten very clear about my goals which are not to enable his drug use, and to show him I love him and will support him in his recovery. We are taking small steps to build a better relationship. I am also really working on taking care of myself in this process. [/QUOTE]
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