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Positive thoughts about difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 428512"><p>Allan I have found this an interesting discussion but I am struck by how it doesn't feel you are totally listening to us or answering our examples. For example like Nancy, I did not get at all how you were using CPS to address issues with a drug addict child. Can you see situations where CPS would NOT work.... maybe it is only in situations where nothing would work but really you seem to have this belief that we can always use CPS to help our children where in fact sometimes nothing helps except detachment, drawing a line in the sand and stepping back and waiting.</p><p></p><p>For example with a drug addicted child I don't think CPS will work until they are willing to be sober. Fact is when you are addicted to drugs the major problem you have is how to get more drugs. That is your focus. As a parent you cannot support that in any way. So I think doing any of what you say with an actively using substance abusing child is pretty pointless and can just keep you the parent enmeshed in their drama and in enabling them.</p><p></p><p>I think the same can be said of a child who is actively dealing with a major mental illness without treatment.</p><p></p><p>The reality is in these two situations the child may not be capable of the conversations or insight needed for CPS. In these situations the best thing a parent can do is detach, step back and be there when the child is ready for some help. </p><p></p><p>Any time anyone on this list brings up these two situations, which most of us here is dealing with one or both of these, you spout more about CPS without really answering the real question.</p><p></p><p>To be honest I think I was probably brought up with a pretty collaborative approach... my parents of course had no training in it and neither do I. It worked very well with me and it has worked great with my daughter. I have a great relationship with her and she is 16 and is most definitely a easy child through and through. If she was my only child I could also espouse the methods I use as being the answer for all kids.</p><p></p><p>Of course she is not my only chlld and I learned early on there is no one method that works with all and some kids are way more difficult than others. I do however believe that at least to some extent I used this approach with my son. However through whatever set of circumstances and issues he got invovled in drugs and things went very south in our relationship. We are now at the point you are talking about with adult children. He is not living here and so I am just trying to build a relationship with him again, being supportive and yet also being careful not to get enmeshed in his drama. I will say he is still at the point where he comes to us with problems at least to some extent. So can we have the kind of conversation you describe, no not really at this point.. He does not share a lot with me but we are slowly hopefully moving towards that I hope.</p><p></p><p>Howevery he has been in drug treatment and at this point is not using at all or not much anyways. If he continues to do ok then I will continue to be there for him. If he starts using drugs again and I become aware of that then I will in no way enable him...... and that is the only thing I can do. CPS won't help if he is actively using, the only thing that will help is my stepping back and not enabling him. The reason that is the only thing I can do is that for a drug addict, they have to reach bottom and really want help.</p><p></p><p>As others have said, if an adult kid is not at the point of wanting help there is nothing you can do..... and you keep jumping in with this CPS stuff and I feel like you are totally missing this point.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 428512"] Allan I have found this an interesting discussion but I am struck by how it doesn't feel you are totally listening to us or answering our examples. For example like Nancy, I did not get at all how you were using CPS to address issues with a drug addict child. Can you see situations where CPS would NOT work.... maybe it is only in situations where nothing would work but really you seem to have this belief that we can always use CPS to help our children where in fact sometimes nothing helps except detachment, drawing a line in the sand and stepping back and waiting. For example with a drug addicted child I don't think CPS will work until they are willing to be sober. Fact is when you are addicted to drugs the major problem you have is how to get more drugs. That is your focus. As a parent you cannot support that in any way. So I think doing any of what you say with an actively using substance abusing child is pretty pointless and can just keep you the parent enmeshed in their drama and in enabling them. I think the same can be said of a child who is actively dealing with a major mental illness without treatment. The reality is in these two situations the child may not be capable of the conversations or insight needed for CPS. In these situations the best thing a parent can do is detach, step back and be there when the child is ready for some help. Any time anyone on this list brings up these two situations, which most of us here is dealing with one or both of these, you spout more about CPS without really answering the real question. To be honest I think I was probably brought up with a pretty collaborative approach... my parents of course had no training in it and neither do I. It worked very well with me and it has worked great with my daughter. I have a great relationship with her and she is 16 and is most definitely a easy child through and through. If she was my only child I could also espouse the methods I use as being the answer for all kids. Of course she is not my only chlld and I learned early on there is no one method that works with all and some kids are way more difficult than others. I do however believe that at least to some extent I used this approach with my son. However through whatever set of circumstances and issues he got invovled in drugs and things went very south in our relationship. We are now at the point you are talking about with adult children. He is not living here and so I am just trying to build a relationship with him again, being supportive and yet also being careful not to get enmeshed in his drama. I will say he is still at the point where he comes to us with problems at least to some extent. So can we have the kind of conversation you describe, no not really at this point.. He does not share a lot with me but we are slowly hopefully moving towards that I hope. Howevery he has been in drug treatment and at this point is not using at all or not much anyways. If he continues to do ok then I will continue to be there for him. If he starts using drugs again and I become aware of that then I will in no way enable him...... and that is the only thing I can do. CPS won't help if he is actively using, the only thing that will help is my stepping back and not enabling him. The reason that is the only thing I can do is that for a drug addict, they have to reach bottom and really want help. As others have said, if an adult kid is not at the point of wanting help there is nothing you can do..... and you keep jumping in with this CPS stuff and I feel like you are totally missing this point. [/QUOTE]
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