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Problems with 19 Year Old Son
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 493860"><p>Welcome.... sorry for the pain and worry you are going through. It is tough tough tough but at least you have found a place where many of us have been through similar things and understand and won't judge. So I have a couple of questions....</p><p></p><p>The stealing and using your credit cards is a real concern. The credit card thing is a step above taking money out of your wallet, in my mind anyways. Did you actually see the games he bought or are you going on what he told you? I can totally imagine my son admitting to buying online games or something but really somehow buying something for someone else in exchange for drugs. That would be my real concern that the money is really being used for drugs, even if done so indirectly. I suspect the substance abuse issue is bigger than you realize. And that the substance use may also be indirectly linked to his feeling suicidal... and he may not realize or see the link because he may feel "better" when he is high and feel worse later and may not make the connection.</p><p></p><p>One suggestion is that you try to find a good alanon group for parents. I have found this to be immensely helpful. It is helpful to meet other parents who have kids with drug problems... where ever they are in the spectrum. You and your wife need to get some help for yourselves... and in the process of letting go. Ultimately you cannot control what he does with drugs or for that matter with self harm. It think it is very hard as parents to come to this realization but it can be freeing in some ways also. </p><p></p><p>Really you can't control what he does or what path he takes. All you can do is to continue to let him know you love him, that you will be there and support him when he himself wants help AND to find ways not to enable him. Sounds like you are already watching the money aspect.... get a lock box and lock up wallets (and OTC medications). It is awful to live that way but it is what some of us have to do to have our difficult children live at home. My son is out of the house now and I can't tell you what a relief it is not to have to watch my wallet or go into the lock box every time someone needs a tylenol!!</p><p></p><p>As far as kicking him out... I don't know. We had to do that with my son and I have had many of the same worries. I would suggest making a clear contract of the rules that need to be followed to live in your home and that if he does not follow them he needs to live somewhere else. One of the things I came to realize is that letting my son live here, flagrently breaking all our rules (such as taking the car at night without permission while we were sleeping) was sending him a terrible message. Fact is out in society you flagrantly break rules and you get arrested and the law gets invovled. We finally did kick my son out and he did find out the very hard way that breaking rules out there lands you in serious trouble... several arrests, a felony on his record and 2 weeks in jail woke him up to the fact that he does not want to spend his life in prison.</p><p></p><p>So I suggest coming up with a contract with basic rules he needs to follow. Keep them simple and things that everyone in the household needs to do.... and don't do this until you are ready to follow through with the consequences if he breaks the rules because he probably will.</p><p></p><p>Take care of yourself... and you and yoru wife and daughter need to take care of each other. This is a very hard time for all of you and you will need each other for support.</p><p></p><p>Hugs,</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 493860"] Welcome.... sorry for the pain and worry you are going through. It is tough tough tough but at least you have found a place where many of us have been through similar things and understand and won't judge. So I have a couple of questions.... The stealing and using your credit cards is a real concern. The credit card thing is a step above taking money out of your wallet, in my mind anyways. Did you actually see the games he bought or are you going on what he told you? I can totally imagine my son admitting to buying online games or something but really somehow buying something for someone else in exchange for drugs. That would be my real concern that the money is really being used for drugs, even if done so indirectly. I suspect the substance abuse issue is bigger than you realize. And that the substance use may also be indirectly linked to his feeling suicidal... and he may not realize or see the link because he may feel "better" when he is high and feel worse later and may not make the connection. One suggestion is that you try to find a good alanon group for parents. I have found this to be immensely helpful. It is helpful to meet other parents who have kids with drug problems... where ever they are in the spectrum. You and your wife need to get some help for yourselves... and in the process of letting go. Ultimately you cannot control what he does with drugs or for that matter with self harm. It think it is very hard as parents to come to this realization but it can be freeing in some ways also. Really you can't control what he does or what path he takes. All you can do is to continue to let him know you love him, that you will be there and support him when he himself wants help AND to find ways not to enable him. Sounds like you are already watching the money aspect.... get a lock box and lock up wallets (and OTC medications). It is awful to live that way but it is what some of us have to do to have our difficult children live at home. My son is out of the house now and I can't tell you what a relief it is not to have to watch my wallet or go into the lock box every time someone needs a tylenol!! As far as kicking him out... I don't know. We had to do that with my son and I have had many of the same worries. I would suggest making a clear contract of the rules that need to be followed to live in your home and that if he does not follow them he needs to live somewhere else. One of the things I came to realize is that letting my son live here, flagrently breaking all our rules (such as taking the car at night without permission while we were sleeping) was sending him a terrible message. Fact is out in society you flagrantly break rules and you get arrested and the law gets invovled. We finally did kick my son out and he did find out the very hard way that breaking rules out there lands you in serious trouble... several arrests, a felony on his record and 2 weeks in jail woke him up to the fact that he does not want to spend his life in prison. So I suggest coming up with a contract with basic rules he needs to follow. Keep them simple and things that everyone in the household needs to do.... and don't do this until you are ready to follow through with the consequences if he breaks the rules because he probably will. Take care of yourself... and you and yoru wife and daughter need to take care of each other. This is a very hard time for all of you and you will need each other for support. Hugs, TL [/QUOTE]
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