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Problems with 19 Year Old Son
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 493948"><p>Sounds like you gave your son some good options and he made his choice for now. He thinks he can show you all and live on his own and with friends...he will find out that it is not so easy. Interventions do sometimes work but he is 19 and so he will have to go willingly unless the court thinks he is a danger to himself or others which can be pretty hard to show. My experience with my son says that it works a lot better to let them get the really hard knocks and let them get to the place where they want help.</p><p></p><p>You probably have not had the chance to go back and find eveyrones stories to read.... so an update on my son who has put us through much of what you are going through. We have been intervening with him one way or another it seems since he was 14. He is now 20. This past September he called me and told me he was checking himself into the hospital. I went and got him and took him to the best psychiatric hospital in the area. It was the first time he was hospitalized by his own initiation and he checked himself in. There has been a roller coaster ride since then with some relapses along the way but he is now in another state at a sober house working a program there. At least I think he is working it... we are seeing some signs that he is looking more inward and trying to figure things out. It is clear to me that for my son at least, nothing is going to work unless he really wants it. He is too defiant of authority and my insisting on treatment just makes him want to defy me... so I am past doing that.</p><p></p><p>My son has been in trouble with the law.... stupid stupid stuff (nothing really horrific) but it all adds up and eventually the courts had enough and revoked his bail. He spent two weeks in jail and discovered that it really is not a place he wants to be. I think that knowledge is a motivator for him. Am I glad he spent two weeks in jail, no, it was an awful time for me.... but it was what he needed. He has a felony on his record which worries me but my hope is he will learn to work with that and still pull his life together.</p><p></p><p>One really good piece of advice that I got from a therapist when we kicked my son out of the house (he was 18) was that I should stay in touch with him. At the time I was wondering if I should just wait until he called me. I was so upset with him because of why and how we had to kick him out a part of me also kind of wanted to show him. She pointed out that we had kicked him out and his pride would probably prevent him from calling us. I am really glad I listened to her... because what i did was text him every few days... "thinking of you"... "hope things are ok"... "Happy 4th of July"... short, to the point and definitely not inviting him back home. He did not respond for a week which I kind of expected. Then he was arrested and called us.</p><p></p><p>So what we did was to continue to let him know we love him, continued to be there for him (to a point), continued to offer our help if he wanted to help himself. He went to rehab last year and was doing better for awhile and then moved back here and screwed up again....</p><p></p><p></p><p>We recently got a letter from him where for an assignment for his program he had to think about how he was grateful. In it he expressed how grateful he was for our love and support. Our relationship is slowly improving. I can't say it is great because it is not but it is a little bit better and at least we have contact.</p><p></p><p>So hang in there.... I suspect he will get in touch because he will want his phone. We have always kept my son on our phone plan and given him a phone... I want him to be able to stay in touch and that is one way we can do that.</p><p></p><p>Let him know you care... but don't change the options you gave him. And really I hope you don't go live with him, I think that would be really hard on your relationshp with your wife. You need to keep that as a priority right now, you need each other and you are both going through this.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 493948"] Sounds like you gave your son some good options and he made his choice for now. He thinks he can show you all and live on his own and with friends...he will find out that it is not so easy. Interventions do sometimes work but he is 19 and so he will have to go willingly unless the court thinks he is a danger to himself or others which can be pretty hard to show. My experience with my son says that it works a lot better to let them get the really hard knocks and let them get to the place where they want help. You probably have not had the chance to go back and find eveyrones stories to read.... so an update on my son who has put us through much of what you are going through. We have been intervening with him one way or another it seems since he was 14. He is now 20. This past September he called me and told me he was checking himself into the hospital. I went and got him and took him to the best psychiatric hospital in the area. It was the first time he was hospitalized by his own initiation and he checked himself in. There has been a roller coaster ride since then with some relapses along the way but he is now in another state at a sober house working a program there. At least I think he is working it... we are seeing some signs that he is looking more inward and trying to figure things out. It is clear to me that for my son at least, nothing is going to work unless he really wants it. He is too defiant of authority and my insisting on treatment just makes him want to defy me... so I am past doing that. My son has been in trouble with the law.... stupid stupid stuff (nothing really horrific) but it all adds up and eventually the courts had enough and revoked his bail. He spent two weeks in jail and discovered that it really is not a place he wants to be. I think that knowledge is a motivator for him. Am I glad he spent two weeks in jail, no, it was an awful time for me.... but it was what he needed. He has a felony on his record which worries me but my hope is he will learn to work with that and still pull his life together. One really good piece of advice that I got from a therapist when we kicked my son out of the house (he was 18) was that I should stay in touch with him. At the time I was wondering if I should just wait until he called me. I was so upset with him because of why and how we had to kick him out a part of me also kind of wanted to show him. She pointed out that we had kicked him out and his pride would probably prevent him from calling us. I am really glad I listened to her... because what i did was text him every few days... "thinking of you"... "hope things are ok"... "Happy 4th of July"... short, to the point and definitely not inviting him back home. He did not respond for a week which I kind of expected. Then he was arrested and called us. So what we did was to continue to let him know we love him, continued to be there for him (to a point), continued to offer our help if he wanted to help himself. He went to rehab last year and was doing better for awhile and then moved back here and screwed up again.... We recently got a letter from him where for an assignment for his program he had to think about how he was grateful. In it he expressed how grateful he was for our love and support. Our relationship is slowly improving. I can't say it is great because it is not but it is a little bit better and at least we have contact. So hang in there.... I suspect he will get in touch because he will want his phone. We have always kept my son on our phone plan and given him a phone... I want him to be able to stay in touch and that is one way we can do that. Let him know you care... but don't change the options you gave him. And really I hope you don't go live with him, I think that would be really hard on your relationshp with your wife. You need to keep that as a priority right now, you need each other and you are both going through this. TL [/QUOTE]
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