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Problems with 19 Year Old Son
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<blockquote data-quote="Fran" data-source="post: 496808" data-attributes="member: 3"><p>I don't think you should look for an apartment for him. He will not be happy with it and will ruin your credit and your reputation by being irresponsible. He has to have a plan. He has to be invested in it. You doing it for him will not work. He is too oppositional at this point. </p><p>Every time he tells you what you have done wrong, ask him what his suggestions are to improve the situation. If he has a better suggestion then you are open to listening. You can not fix him. You are just trying to get him to the point of him wanting to fix himself. Offer alternatives and keep them simple. </p><p>The rules of the house are :no substance use, no theft, no lying. The consequence is out on his own and the locks changed or calling the police(illegal substance/theft). Lock up in a safe all your important and valuable items. I cannot tell you how many stories of difficult child's stealing wedding rings, family heirlooms and other irreplaceable items for their own gratification, that have been posted on this site. Try not to negotiate too much because they read that as indecision and weakness. You may even have to stop answering the phone. </p><p></p><p>It seems that you are trying to make sense of what your son says he needs. He has no idea what he needs, wants or can do. He appears to be unwilling to help himself at this point. He has to get sober as some of the other members have said and you need to get to a family support group like Alanon so you can learn how to parent a difficult child. </p><p>He is sabotaging himself every way possible so he doesn't have to show his weaknesses isn't he? He is making you and your family look like the bad guys so he can avoid guilt or having to answer for himself. </p><p>He can't use the house like a revolving door flop house. He is part of the family or he is not. Being gone one night and returning the next is too chaotic and nothing is learned by you allowing it to go on. </p><p>He will choose and that is what will be. Once he is out, he can't come back unless...... he says "sorry, I messed up and I want to change. This is the plan I want to try". </p><p>You can bet that at this stage, he will not agree to anything you suggest.</p><p></p><p> No guilt on your part about not throwing away 30.00 that he blames you for until he actually earns 30.00 and knows what that means. He tries to really guilt you into thinking you aren't doing enough or you don't care. I call this deflection. "A good offense is a good defense". If you are working hard to defend your choices then you aren't focusing on what he did to cause all this chaos. </p><p>I hope you realize you are a good and caring parent and you don't deserve his spiteful behavior. He is in a bad state and is sick. He has to work harder at making his life better than you do. He isn't doing anything but complaining while you do all the work. Take a step back and try to disengage a bit. Eventually, you will have a plan and it will make it easier to know what to do and when to do it but going to Alanon meetings will help you and your wife get to that plan.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Fran, post: 496808, member: 3"] I don't think you should look for an apartment for him. He will not be happy with it and will ruin your credit and your reputation by being irresponsible. He has to have a plan. He has to be invested in it. You doing it for him will not work. He is too oppositional at this point. Every time he tells you what you have done wrong, ask him what his suggestions are to improve the situation. If he has a better suggestion then you are open to listening. You can not fix him. You are just trying to get him to the point of him wanting to fix himself. Offer alternatives and keep them simple. The rules of the house are :no substance use, no theft, no lying. The consequence is out on his own and the locks changed or calling the police(illegal substance/theft). Lock up in a safe all your important and valuable items. I cannot tell you how many stories of difficult child's stealing wedding rings, family heirlooms and other irreplaceable items for their own gratification, that have been posted on this site. Try not to negotiate too much because they read that as indecision and weakness. You may even have to stop answering the phone. It seems that you are trying to make sense of what your son says he needs. He has no idea what he needs, wants or can do. He appears to be unwilling to help himself at this point. He has to get sober as some of the other members have said and you need to get to a family support group like Alanon so you can learn how to parent a difficult child. He is sabotaging himself every way possible so he doesn't have to show his weaknesses isn't he? He is making you and your family look like the bad guys so he can avoid guilt or having to answer for himself. He can't use the house like a revolving door flop house. He is part of the family or he is not. Being gone one night and returning the next is too chaotic and nothing is learned by you allowing it to go on. He will choose and that is what will be. Once he is out, he can't come back unless...... he says "sorry, I messed up and I want to change. This is the plan I want to try". You can bet that at this stage, he will not agree to anything you suggest. No guilt on your part about not throwing away 30.00 that he blames you for until he actually earns 30.00 and knows what that means. He tries to really guilt you into thinking you aren't doing enough or you don't care. I call this deflection. "A good offense is a good defense". If you are working hard to defend your choices then you aren't focusing on what he did to cause all this chaos. I hope you realize you are a good and caring parent and you don't deserve his spiteful behavior. He is in a bad state and is sick. He has to work harder at making his life better than you do. He isn't doing anything but complaining while you do all the work. Take a step back and try to disengage a bit. Eventually, you will have a plan and it will make it easier to know what to do and when to do it but going to Alanon meetings will help you and your wife get to that plan. [/QUOTE]
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