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Problems with adult adoptive sons
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 643200" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome Oliveoyl, I'm sorry about the situation which brought you here, but I'm glad you found us. You've been given good advice. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Also, if you are interested, Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie is a good book as well. </p><p></p><p>Your situation is a tough one, but not an unfamiliar one, it does seem there are situations where adopted kids will seek out their bio-parents no matter how unstable or unfit those parents are.......still looking for that love and approval. And, in some cases, they blame the step parent, as if it is that persons fault the bio parent abandoned them. That does not give them a reason to abuse you. Boundaries are the answer. It sounds like you're putting boundaries in to place now, which will likely change the dynamics considerably. Sometimes when we place boundaries where there were none before, the kids act out badly and begin a blame game. Recognize it as a manipulation if it does come to pass and don't give in. </p><p></p><p>It's hard when you've devoted so much to your step sons and they treat you badly, it's hard not to take that personally, but it behooves us to not take it personally, to set boundaries and to let go of as much as you can. Your peace of mind and your serenity are worth a lot, and the way most of us here get there is to learn how to detach from what we can't control, to let go of any perceived guilt, to set strong boundaries, to get a lot of support for ourselves and to begin the process of acceptance.........acceptance of <em>what is,</em> whatever <em>what is,</em> is. </p><p></p><p>I would recommend you follow through with your counseling idea, that has been a lifesaver for many of us. It can be so helpful to guide us back to normalcy and for us to get a reality check so we can heal from the hurts with a professional who can listen and provide a safe place for us to recover.</p><p></p><p>It really sounds like you've done your level best to be a good mom. Through no fault of your own, these boys have a path they need to follow where their bio-mom is concerned. That's okay. What is clearly NOT okay is for them to disrespect you, to in any way presume that you need to put up with the disrespect and reward it by offering them advantages. </p><p></p><p>Yes, you and your husband will need to be on the same page about all the boundaries, wishy washy means nothing will change and the son will have all the power. Your home, your power. Your home, your boundaries. Your home, your rules. </p><p></p><p>Stay the course. Hang in there and keep posting, it helps. I'm glad you're here with us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 643200, member: 13542"] Welcome Oliveoyl, I'm sorry about the situation which brought you here, but I'm glad you found us. You've been given good advice. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Also, if you are interested, Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie is a good book as well. Your situation is a tough one, but not an unfamiliar one, it does seem there are situations where adopted kids will seek out their bio-parents no matter how unstable or unfit those parents are.......still looking for that love and approval. And, in some cases, they blame the step parent, as if it is that persons fault the bio parent abandoned them. That does not give them a reason to abuse you. Boundaries are the answer. It sounds like you're putting boundaries in to place now, which will likely change the dynamics considerably. Sometimes when we place boundaries where there were none before, the kids act out badly and begin a blame game. Recognize it as a manipulation if it does come to pass and don't give in. It's hard when you've devoted so much to your step sons and they treat you badly, it's hard not to take that personally, but it behooves us to not take it personally, to set boundaries and to let go of as much as you can. Your peace of mind and your serenity are worth a lot, and the way most of us here get there is to learn how to detach from what we can't control, to let go of any perceived guilt, to set strong boundaries, to get a lot of support for ourselves and to begin the process of acceptance.........acceptance of [I]what is,[/I] whatever [I]what is,[/I] is. I would recommend you follow through with your counseling idea, that has been a lifesaver for many of us. It can be so helpful to guide us back to normalcy and for us to get a reality check so we can heal from the hurts with a professional who can listen and provide a safe place for us to recover. It really sounds like you've done your level best to be a good mom. Through no fault of your own, these boys have a path they need to follow where their bio-mom is concerned. That's okay. What is clearly NOT okay is for them to disrespect you, to in any way presume that you need to put up with the disrespect and reward it by offering them advantages. Yes, you and your husband will need to be on the same page about all the boundaries, wishy washy means nothing will change and the son will have all the power. Your home, your power. Your home, your boundaries. Your home, your rules. Stay the course. Hang in there and keep posting, it helps. I'm glad you're here with us. [/QUOTE]
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