Olive, you are a wonderful person who took on a lot. I also expected my older adopted kids to love me the same way my biological son (I have one) and my infant adoptees did and I was shocked that my unconditional love and support did not have the same effect I thought it would have. To be brutally honest, I thought love would cure all and that we'd all feel grateful to have one another and we'd be one, big, happy family. I thought love was the answer, stability was the answer, opportunity would turn their lives around. We'd go on to be a forever loving family. It didn't happen.
My adopted son from abroad did not feel like a part of our family. He had spent his first six years in an orphanage and was aloof when he came, and, although he was charismatic, brilliant and able to connect with his peers, he said many times he did not know how to connect with us as parents...since he was so bright he thought about it and understood it, but he still left. The two other children we adopted at age 11 and 7 were a mess from their past. It was far worse. One was a complete psychopath already and had no conscience. He was darling and sweet to all adults, to the point where his psychiatric profile talked about how he had not psychiatric problems and he was a great kid, but he had just fooled adult after adult. He was a young pedaphile who also liked to set fires and kill animals and he did all those things. And he scared the younger kids so much that they didn't tell on him. The other child had just come to our home right after this one and once we figured out that our two youngest (both adopted very young) were being sexually abused, we weren't sure which child had done it or was the ringleader so both were put into residential treatment and the other boy eventually turned out to be another victim of him and went to foster care. We let him stay there. He loved it and had only been with us a year. Poor kid. He had been through daily sexual abuse with his foster mother before us, although nobody knew it (he told me) and now this new brother of his did it too. He was a nice boy, not without problems, but fixable, a nd we wanted to give him a good chance. He thrived in the new foster home. We let them adopt him. We gave up our rights. The whole story is very hard.
Kids who are adopted older have "stuff" and "issues." They knew other caregivers and were rejected and eventually sometimes they just don't attach to us the way we want, although we DO attach to them that way. It has nothing to do with YOU. I'm sure you gave them a wonderful life and a chance to do better, but they could not let go of their past.
Our two adopted daughters, both infant adoptions, have talked about feeling abandoned as well, but because we adopted them so young, we are still really bonded. I have a son, on the autism spectrum, who is not mentally slow, but is different and he came at age two, which is actually older, yet he truly loves us and never wants to know his birthparents. But he had only one foster family and was not abused there. That matters. He learned to trust while he was in their care. The other ones had no reliable caregiver and could not learn how to accept love from us when they were adopted. Too much had happened to them.
Your situation was crazy with dysfunctional birthmother coming and going but never REALLY going, setting early memories of neglect and possibly abuse to your children. That isn't a good start. You did a heroes job of all you could and they right now are choosing to be like their birthmother. It happens A LOT. It puzzles us. It still puzzles me. To us it seemed like the older adopted kids just liked the stuff we bought them, not really us.
Feel proud of the person you are and the gallant effort you gave and focus then on your husband and your sons who are kind to you. And don't take it personally. You truly, truly did an over-the-top job of being a mom when they needed it the most and now it's up to them to sort out what they want to do with their lives.
Hugs for your hurting heart.
