Kjs, you have to be strong. That means using all the information you have been given, weighing up who the information is from and weighting it accordingly. For example, advice form a paid expert speaking in his/her field should always be weighted more highly than our own preferences - that goes for difficult child as well. He can't say, "I don't want to," and go against the psychiatrist, unless he has discussed it with her and has attained her level of qualification. YOU don't have to be the ogre here, the treating doctor has given the orders and you are only the instrument. If difficult child says he doesn't want to follow doctor's orders, then get on the phone, call the psychiatrist and ask psychiatrist to explain it to difficult child in words of one syllable or less.
difficult child doesn't like people in his business - that is understandable. It is also too bad - he chose to forgo his own right to self-determination and privacy, when he threw a very public tantrum that did physical damage to property and persons. Tell him - if he wants people to stay out of his business, then he has to MIND his business himself properly and not attack other people or things so noisily. He can't have it both ways. "YOu want this to be PRIVATE! Well, son, it sure wasn't private when you were screaming down the car park last week! That cat is well and truly out of the bag - and it's clawing and spitting. YOU want to be the one to put that cat back in the bag? I sure don't."
Kjs, I think for too long, you've been bullied abd browbeaten by husband's passive-aggressiveness (OK, maybe just aggressiveness) and difficult child's following in Daddy's example, to be confident in taking a stand and sticking to it. ANd now you must. Someone has to. Don't let their harsh words or swearing put you off or deflect you. Even the swearing - forget it. Kids swear. You're letting it distract you from the main issues. I don't like those words either, but we do get them from difficult child 3 at times - he loves to try to shock. He uses those words to try to show us how upset he is. And if I reacted with (*shock, horror*), "What did you say?" it would give him a HUGE payoff. He would think, "Oh good, I successfully communicated my rage to her. Now, what is it that I said, that worked so well to shock her?" and he learns fast. He would do it again next time, but ramped up even more. And the real problem you were dealing with? Forgotten, or downgraded, in the reaction over the language. Boys will be boys. Kids will be kids. YOu can insist all you want tat your child does not use bad language in the home. Some parents of PCs may believe their child never utters those words, ever. They are living in could cuckoo land.
I used to study Speech & Drama, Trinity College of London. We would arrive at class, speak proper, with clear enunciation of every syllable - then once we were out in the real world again, we talked as our peers did so we wouldn't seem too different. But one day our Speech & Drama teacher said to us, "I don't have to mark you on how you speak in class. I give most of my marks based on the echoed conversation I hear from you all as you leave and head out of the building."
She was a realist.
Take yourself out of the firing line, but keep difficult children nose to the grindstone of personal responsibility. He HAS to do what psychiatrist says. So do you. Any problems - get the relevant person on the phone to clarify things. That way it's them saying it and not you.
Good luck. Stay strong!
Marg
