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Question For Those Further Down the Path Than Me
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 709111" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>My thinking is often different than others'. It could be because my son has a disability. It is not only a question of his choosing to do things in such a way that may hurt me, or undermine himself, fueled by self-will. His judgment can be impaired.</p><p></p><p>There is the question to what extent I still have a role in supporting him to make better judgments or if this attempt at influence by me is for me, and can in fact, get in the way of his maturation to the extent that he is able. I am inclining to believe the latter, but I am still having this conversation with myself.</p><p></p><p>That is the nature of my self-talk.</p><p>You have expressed the essence of the question, which I often overlook. The cost to myself,(and to him) when I continue in the mix. And the cost to me, (and to him if I do not.)</p><p></p><p>There are no clear answers. You have decided to remove yourself (or remove your son) from your environment, and to the extent that you have chosen from your life. You cannot, so far, it seems, remove him from your head. Nor can I with my own son.</p><p></p><p>For me over a period of almost 6 years I have gone back and forth in terms of where I stand. And depending upon my choices at the time, my stance towards my son has changed completely.</p><p></p><p>The moral of the story: For me there is no one position that gives me peace of mind. Out of sight, works to an extent for me, but not for my son. He does much better with support, except not good enough. Having him leave is the only real motivator that I have. When it comes to this, it is enormously painful to me; and I believe, difficult for him.</p><p></p><p>That said, for me, there is no one size fits all. Not for all times, not for all people. Not for us, not for our children, who differ in their attitudes, capacities, degree of cooperation, the extent to which they are self-destructive, defiant or dangerous.</p><p></p><p>Self-talk is a good thing. About our children, about ourselves, about our relationships. Self-talk raises questions, gives us opportunities to re-assess, makes us stronger, clearer, and surer.</p><p></p><p>Would I want to be so certain as to admit no doubt? What I want to be so safe and comfortable in my boundaries, that I allow no possibility of reconciliation? My answer for myself, is no.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 709111, member: 18958"] My thinking is often different than others'. It could be because my son has a disability. It is not only a question of his choosing to do things in such a way that may hurt me, or undermine himself, fueled by self-will. His judgment can be impaired. There is the question to what extent I still have a role in supporting him to make better judgments or if this attempt at influence by me is for me, and can in fact, get in the way of his maturation to the extent that he is able. I am inclining to believe the latter, but I am still having this conversation with myself. That is the nature of my self-talk. You have expressed the essence of the question, which I often overlook. The cost to myself,(and to him) when I continue in the mix. And the cost to me, (and to him if I do not.) There are no clear answers. You have decided to remove yourself (or remove your son) from your environment, and to the extent that you have chosen from your life. You cannot, so far, it seems, remove him from your head. Nor can I with my own son. For me over a period of almost 6 years I have gone back and forth in terms of where I stand. And depending upon my choices at the time, my stance towards my son has changed completely. The moral of the story: For me there is no one position that gives me peace of mind. Out of sight, works to an extent for me, but not for my son. He does much better with support, except not good enough. Having him leave is the only real motivator that I have. When it comes to this, it is enormously painful to me; and I believe, difficult for him. That said, for me, there is no one size fits all. Not for all times, not for all people. Not for us, not for our children, who differ in their attitudes, capacities, degree of cooperation, the extent to which they are self-destructive, defiant or dangerous. Self-talk is a good thing. About our children, about ourselves, about our relationships. Self-talk raises questions, gives us opportunities to re-assess, makes us stronger, clearer, and surer. Would I want to be so certain as to admit no doubt? What I want to be so safe and comfortable in my boundaries, that I allow no possibility of reconciliation? My answer for myself, is no. [/QUOTE]
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