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Question For Those Further Down the Path Than Me
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 709112" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>It get's easier.</p><p></p><p>For me it's been an incremental climb out of my huge desire to help/fix/enable/love my daughter into a healthy, thriving, safe life. </p><p></p><p>With the help of many...... professionals and the wonderful warrior parents here on this site and CODA, and a Codependency course lead by therapists, and books, and CD's........ and <u><strong>time.</strong></u>.....I began letting go. </p><p></p><p>Each time I made a choice, it changed, I changed. And, then a new issue would arise and I would have to make another choice. Over a few years, the choices got easier. We humans are good at making our present circumstance our new "normal" .......so that new "normal" kept changing and changing. What I couldn't even fathom one month, I was diligently doing the next. </p><p></p><p>It's the day to day stuff that can get you down, that's where real support comes in. I needed others to tell me I wasn't losing my mind, or being an awful parent, that my guilt was not real, that love didn't mean giving everything you've got to someone who doesn't value what you're giving and that I was going to be okay. It's hard for me to imagine someone going thru what we go thru here, without support of some kind......it's the hardest thing any of us will ever do......so support becomes a necessity. </p><p></p><p>Each step was tough, but I got tougher. Each step hurt, but I got better at feeling the hurt and letting it go. Each step made me angry, but I got good at using the anger to push me forward. Each step forced me to look at detachment, and I got better and better at it......and also realized that detaching from all the drama and conflict changed big hunks of the rest of my life too......and for the better, for the MUCH better. Each step changed my connection with my daughter, and it also changed my connection to myself. Each step was hell....but I began seeing it as a spiritual awakening which could bring peace of mind and acceptance of what is. </p><p></p><p>I made my intention about finding peace of mind. I knew if I could find even glimpses of that I would be able to survive it......and perhaps even thrive. </p><p></p><p>Of course I want my daughter to thrive too, to be okay, to be safe, to be a functioning member of society. But, that is not up to me, it is up to her. That took me a few years to get to, but I did. My misery, my suffering, my enabling will not change my daughter, only she can do that. I believed the adage, "pain is inevitable, misery is optional." I made a conscious choice to be happy and peaceful.</p><p></p><p> In the meantime, life has called me back from the ledge I stood on waiting for her to change......and I'm here to tell you that you can work your way through this maze and come out the other side a whole, healthy and (mostly) joyful, grateful human, in spite of what your difficult child does or doesn't do......one step at a time.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 709112, member: 13542"] It get's easier. For me it's been an incremental climb out of my huge desire to help/fix/enable/love my daughter into a healthy, thriving, safe life. With the help of many...... professionals and the wonderful warrior parents here on this site and CODA, and a Codependency course lead by therapists, and books, and CD's........ and [U][B]time.[/B][/U].....I began letting go. Each time I made a choice, it changed, I changed. And, then a new issue would arise and I would have to make another choice. Over a few years, the choices got easier. We humans are good at making our present circumstance our new "normal" .......so that new "normal" kept changing and changing. What I couldn't even fathom one month, I was diligently doing the next. It's the day to day stuff that can get you down, that's where real support comes in. I needed others to tell me I wasn't losing my mind, or being an awful parent, that my guilt was not real, that love didn't mean giving everything you've got to someone who doesn't value what you're giving and that I was going to be okay. It's hard for me to imagine someone going thru what we go thru here, without support of some kind......it's the hardest thing any of us will ever do......so support becomes a necessity. Each step was tough, but I got tougher. Each step hurt, but I got better at feeling the hurt and letting it go. Each step made me angry, but I got good at using the anger to push me forward. Each step forced me to look at detachment, and I got better and better at it......and also realized that detaching from all the drama and conflict changed big hunks of the rest of my life too......and for the better, for the MUCH better. Each step changed my connection with my daughter, and it also changed my connection to myself. Each step was hell....but I began seeing it as a spiritual awakening which could bring peace of mind and acceptance of what is. I made my intention about finding peace of mind. I knew if I could find even glimpses of that I would be able to survive it......and perhaps even thrive. Of course I want my daughter to thrive too, to be okay, to be safe, to be a functioning member of society. But, that is not up to me, it is up to her. That took me a few years to get to, but I did. My misery, my suffering, my enabling will not change my daughter, only she can do that. I believed the adage, "pain is inevitable, misery is optional." I made a conscious choice to be happy and peaceful. In the meantime, life has called me back from the ledge I stood on waiting for her to change......and I'm here to tell you that you can work your way through this maze and come out the other side a whole, healthy and (mostly) joyful, grateful human, in spite of what your difficult child does or doesn't do......one step at a time. [/QUOTE]
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