Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Quick rant
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 756348" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This is kind of hard to explain what I think about this, as I'm working it out as we speak.</p><p></p><p>First. I think our adopted kids in particular are very, very confused inside themselves. Part of what confuses and distresses them is their inability to do better than they're doing. Their expectation and our own was that they would NOT have the kinds of problems that have proven so. In my own case, both my son and I expected smooth sailing when he graduated from High School. I don't know why I had this assumption, but I did. My son has struggled consistentlyy. And I, with him. </p><p></p><p>I think most of us parents on this board have functioned pretty well. Certainly better than our children. </p><p></p><p>I think our kids are flailing around, both in terms of their actions and functioning, and also in trying to understand, piece together, why they are struggling. One way to attribute their trouble, is to externalize responsibility, in Josh's case, to the lack of support by you, his parents. Which is a complete joke if it wasn't so tragic.</p><p></p><p>Here he is in your house. As he speaks you're making chocolate chip cookies. The ridiculousness of his statements and perspective is impossible to take in. And it's this ridiculousness, Beta, that you need to hold onto.</p><p></p><p>There is a theory in psychology of which I can only remember the name. Attribution theory. A whole, entire theory about how people make sense of what happens to them. In a way that keeps their egos protected, so as to not feel unbearable shame, fear, guilt, self-dissolution. I think Josh's statements and attitudes reveal his own struggle to protect himself from feeling unbearably bad about himself.</p><p></p><p>In my own case, my son makes attributions that are much more troubling and extreme, involving conspiracy theories, that he is a "bad seed." I wish he would just blame me, because that way he would avoid some of this extreme distortion about his own self-image and self-worth, and his distorted views of the world and life, such as are embodied in the conspiracy world. At least if he blamed me, there would be the possibility of a conversation. How can I have a conversation about an apocalypse? </p><p></p><p>What I am trying to say is to try not to personalize this, and to try to see how Josh's words and thinking serve a functional purpose. He's off the deep end. He's struggling. He is flailing. He doesn't make sense, because he's not rational at this point. Nor do I think he means it at all.</p><p></p><p>I know how hurtful and difficult this is. But to expect him to make sense at this point is to expect something he can't do.</p><p></p><p>Personally, I am amazed that the three of you have sustained this for these past few weeks, is it that long? That you've told us there has been no overt aggression, some attempt at cooperation and communication, and some consideration of rules and expectations. He has set a few appropriate goals. I am impressed. With you and your husband, and with Josh.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 756348, member: 18958"] This is kind of hard to explain what I think about this, as I'm working it out as we speak. First. I think our adopted kids in particular are very, very confused inside themselves. Part of what confuses and distresses them is their inability to do better than they're doing. Their expectation and our own was that they would NOT have the kinds of problems that have proven so. In my own case, both my son and I expected smooth sailing when he graduated from High School. I don't know why I had this assumption, but I did. My son has struggled consistentlyy. And I, with him. I think most of us parents on this board have functioned pretty well. Certainly better than our children. I think our kids are flailing around, both in terms of their actions and functioning, and also in trying to understand, piece together, why they are struggling. One way to attribute their trouble, is to externalize responsibility, in Josh's case, to the lack of support by you, his parents. Which is a complete joke if it wasn't so tragic. Here he is in your house. As he speaks you're making chocolate chip cookies. The ridiculousness of his statements and perspective is impossible to take in. And it's this ridiculousness, Beta, that you need to hold onto. There is a theory in psychology of which I can only remember the name. Attribution theory. A whole, entire theory about how people make sense of what happens to them. In a way that keeps their egos protected, so as to not feel unbearable shame, fear, guilt, self-dissolution. I think Josh's statements and attitudes reveal his own struggle to protect himself from feeling unbearably bad about himself. In my own case, my son makes attributions that are much more troubling and extreme, involving conspiracy theories, that he is a "bad seed." I wish he would just blame me, because that way he would avoid some of this extreme distortion about his own self-image and self-worth, and his distorted views of the world and life, such as are embodied in the conspiracy world. At least if he blamed me, there would be the possibility of a conversation. How can I have a conversation about an apocalypse? What I am trying to say is to try not to personalize this, and to try to see how Josh's words and thinking serve a functional purpose. He's off the deep end. He's struggling. He is flailing. He doesn't make sense, because he's not rational at this point. Nor do I think he means it at all. I know how hurtful and difficult this is. But to expect him to make sense at this point is to expect something he can't do. Personally, I am amazed that the three of you have sustained this for these past few weeks, is it that long? That you've told us there has been no overt aggression, some attempt at cooperation and communication, and some consideration of rules and expectations. He has set a few appropriate goals. I am impressed. With you and your husband, and with Josh. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Quick rant
Top