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Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and concern about future stepson
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 701843" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I am so sorry. I know you love your fiance and he loves T. But I hope you know that even with the most intensive Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) therapies, there really are no great changes unless the child wants them. Some experts don't even think they are possible then. I have heard some say that unless trust is built the first few years of life, it cannot be really built ever later in life. </p><p></p><p>There have been parents of very abused kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) here on this site in the past. I cannot recall even a single case where the kids grew up and were okay. One member here adopted a kid with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) adn then found he was hurting her other kids and they had to end the adoption. I know they hated the situation, but then they found out the boy was doing really horrific things to their other kids and threatening them so they wouldn't tell. </p><p></p><p>You really need a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) expert because as smart as T seems, all he is going to do with other therapists is learn the lingo and learn to tell them what they want to hear. But Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) therapists are not everywhere. You might look online and then ask Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) therapists you find online if they know of anyone in your area. </p><p></p><p>I think you are right to be afraid of what will happen when he gets older. A preteen or teen doesn't have the ability to regulate his emotions and some normal kids will lash out. But you are not talking about a normal teen, you are talking about a kid with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and this means that there will be little to stop the violence that you are already seeing. </p><p></p><p>Please, I am begging you to not leave him with younger kids. In kids who were sexually abused, esp kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), it is not uncommon for them to act out what they have experienced. I know you would feel hideous if T were to hurt your niece or nephew this way. Chances are the youngest child couldn't even tell yo it was happening, so it is up to you to make sure she is protected at every moment. This means you don't leave them alone to answer the phone or to go to the bathroom, and no, I don't think that is over-reacting. Not even if T seems to be having a good day. </p><p></p><p>I know this isn't fair, but life isn't fair. I had an older child who hurt his little sister. We had a very different diagnosis, and now they are good friends, but we spent at least 7 years where I could not leave them alone in the same room long enough to go to the bathroom. I know the stress of this lifestyle.</p><p></p><p>I know you love your fiance, but be aware that this is going to get worse a very long time before it gets better, if it ever gets better. Think long and hard about what you really want for your future because the time to make decisions is now, before the wedding. Love isn't going to be enough to fix this. It just isn't. T's brain may not be capable of changing - we don't really know. There are going to be a lot more bad days than good, and hard times than easy ones. Therapy for this isn't cheap and once a week probably isn't going to be enough. Can you afford that? What about when you hit the max your insurance will pay for? Starting and stopping therapy isn't helpful. Inpatient treatment and therapeutic boarding schools are incredibly expensive, often more than what most people make in a year. It is hard to have a child help inpatient for more than a short period of time, often more than 3-5 days is a pipedream. It took finding my oldest choking my daughter in her bed in middle of the night to get my son into a psychiatric hospital for more than a couple of very useless days. This was over ten years ago and funds have been cut and cut and cut each year so that now I don't think even that would be enough to get him placed inpatient.</p><p></p><p>Please think about what you are willing to live through for the next few years. A child like T will make even the best relationship into a very difficult situation. You are not T's adoptive mom and will have zero legal rights to make ANY decisions for his care. You will likely be the one most impacted by his behavior, but you won't have ANY ability to make any decisions about anything to do with him. Being smaller than his father, he will likely aim his violence at you first and that will be scary. </p><p></p><p>I don't say any of this to be mean. I just think you need to think long and hard before you are in a situation that ends up meaning it isn't safe to have your own child BEFORE you are fully in that situation. Maybe you will be the one family where love will be enough, or maybe a breakthrough will come soon, but I just don't have that kind of faith.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 701843, member: 1233"] I am so sorry. I know you love your fiance and he loves T. But I hope you know that even with the most intensive Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) therapies, there really are no great changes unless the child wants them. Some experts don't even think they are possible then. I have heard some say that unless trust is built the first few years of life, it cannot be really built ever later in life. There have been parents of very abused kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) here on this site in the past. I cannot recall even a single case where the kids grew up and were okay. One member here adopted a kid with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) adn then found he was hurting her other kids and they had to end the adoption. I know they hated the situation, but then they found out the boy was doing really horrific things to their other kids and threatening them so they wouldn't tell. You really need a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) expert because as smart as T seems, all he is going to do with other therapists is learn the lingo and learn to tell them what they want to hear. But Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) therapists are not everywhere. You might look online and then ask Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) therapists you find online if they know of anyone in your area. I think you are right to be afraid of what will happen when he gets older. A preteen or teen doesn't have the ability to regulate his emotions and some normal kids will lash out. But you are not talking about a normal teen, you are talking about a kid with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and this means that there will be little to stop the violence that you are already seeing. Please, I am begging you to not leave him with younger kids. In kids who were sexually abused, esp kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), it is not uncommon for them to act out what they have experienced. I know you would feel hideous if T were to hurt your niece or nephew this way. Chances are the youngest child couldn't even tell yo it was happening, so it is up to you to make sure she is protected at every moment. This means you don't leave them alone to answer the phone or to go to the bathroom, and no, I don't think that is over-reacting. Not even if T seems to be having a good day. I know this isn't fair, but life isn't fair. I had an older child who hurt his little sister. We had a very different diagnosis, and now they are good friends, but we spent at least 7 years where I could not leave them alone in the same room long enough to go to the bathroom. I know the stress of this lifestyle. I know you love your fiance, but be aware that this is going to get worse a very long time before it gets better, if it ever gets better. Think long and hard about what you really want for your future because the time to make decisions is now, before the wedding. Love isn't going to be enough to fix this. It just isn't. T's brain may not be capable of changing - we don't really know. There are going to be a lot more bad days than good, and hard times than easy ones. Therapy for this isn't cheap and once a week probably isn't going to be enough. Can you afford that? What about when you hit the max your insurance will pay for? Starting and stopping therapy isn't helpful. Inpatient treatment and therapeutic boarding schools are incredibly expensive, often more than what most people make in a year. It is hard to have a child help inpatient for more than a short period of time, often more than 3-5 days is a pipedream. It took finding my oldest choking my daughter in her bed in middle of the night to get my son into a psychiatric hospital for more than a couple of very useless days. This was over ten years ago and funds have been cut and cut and cut each year so that now I don't think even that would be enough to get him placed inpatient. Please think about what you are willing to live through for the next few years. A child like T will make even the best relationship into a very difficult situation. You are not T's adoptive mom and will have zero legal rights to make ANY decisions for his care. You will likely be the one most impacted by his behavior, but you won't have ANY ability to make any decisions about anything to do with him. Being smaller than his father, he will likely aim his violence at you first and that will be scary. I don't say any of this to be mean. I just think you need to think long and hard before you are in a situation that ends up meaning it isn't safe to have your own child BEFORE you are fully in that situation. Maybe you will be the one family where love will be enough, or maybe a breakthrough will come soon, but I just don't have that kind of faith. [/QUOTE]
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