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<blockquote data-quote="ScentofCedar" data-source="post: 41907" data-attributes="member: 3353"><p>Janet, after everything we went through with daughter I wouldn't put any more faith in a psychiatric diagnosis than the ink it took to write it out.</p><p></p><p>Here is what I say: It doesn't matter what they call it. You taught Cory right from wrong and he still knows that.</p><p></p><p>Don't let the label scare you. </p><p></p><p>The label doesn't matter. </p><p></p><p>Your safety, the safety of the baby ~ those are the things that matter. </p><p></p><p>Protect yourself, protect the baby, protect and cherish your life.</p><p></p><p>Cory made a choice. You don't have to like it. You do have to accept it. Then you, and every one of us, will be forced to choose again. </p><p></p><p>And that choice involves whether you will see Cory, at all.</p><p></p><p>And that is the only choice really, that we get to make, once the kids are beyond a certain age.</p><p></p><p>On the genetic component to behavior:</p><p></p><p>husband said something very similar to that just the other night, Dammit. (That idea that difficult child behaviors are genetically mandated, and that nothing we might have done has made any difference one way or another.)</p><p></p><p>We had just heard from our difficult child. </p><p></p><p>And the story was the same one.</p><p></p><p>Only now, even we can see it, as difficult child is soon to be thirty-two years old.</p><p></p><p>What, he could not recover from a bad childhood, or insufficient parenting, or whatever the traumatic event(s) were by now?</p><p></p><p>Not that he is approaching it in an ethical or straightforward way, but our difficult child wants to come home again. (Remember the phone call I posted about a few months back? I was right.)</p><p></p><p>This is what husband said, and is something you may find helpful, too:</p><p>"I feel bad for difficult child, but I do not feel sorry for him. difficult child is a man. He is making the choices a man makes. I don't have an issue with that. If difficult child had it to do again, he would do it the same way. A man makes his choices and takes the consequences, or the rewards.</p><p></p><p>And he repeats: "I don't have an issue with that."</p><p></p><p>Whatever difficult child says, husband says "I don't have an issue with that."</p><p></p><p>So, you asked how we live with the outcome.</p><p></p><p>I think slsh was correct in one way ~ we know we have done all we could. No ghosts whisperings down the years about how we did not care or how, somehow, we were irresponsible parents and created monsters. (Remember when everything ~ even homosexuality ~ was blamed on the mother?) </p><p></p><p>But I think my husband has the right attitude, the right response, for this time in our lives: "I don't have an issue with that.</p><p></p><p>The grief for us is becoming a very private thing. It seems to have less and less to do with what has happened to difficult child than it does with the wonderful things that never did happen for us with the son we could see so clearly until he ~ disappeared.</p><p></p><p>And both ends of that spectrum seem to meet in the middle somewhere, and husband and I go on, and don't expect anything different from difficult child.</p><p></p><p>Unlike the mothers of an earlier generation though, those of us who come here have the site, and one another.</p><p></p><p>(Thank you Fran, thank you Abbey, thank you runawaybunny.)</p><p></p><p>I am sorry for your pain, Janet.</p><p></p><p>But it really does not matter what the psychs call it, other than to prove to you, once and for all, that you were coping with an impossible situation and did everything humanly possible, and more, for your son.</p><p></p><p>Bitter comfort, right?</p><p></p><p>But I have learned to take what comfort I can where I find it.</p><p></p><p>You are stronger than I am, Janet.</p><p></p><p>You can do this.</p><p></p><p>You don't have to like it, but you CAN do this.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ScentofCedar, post: 41907, member: 3353"] Janet, after everything we went through with daughter I wouldn't put any more faith in a psychiatric diagnosis than the ink it took to write it out. Here is what I say: It doesn't matter what they call it. You taught Cory right from wrong and he still knows that. Don't let the label scare you. The label doesn't matter. Your safety, the safety of the baby ~ those are the things that matter. Protect yourself, protect the baby, protect and cherish your life. Cory made a choice. You don't have to like it. You do have to accept it. Then you, and every one of us, will be forced to choose again. And that choice involves whether you will see Cory, at all. And that is the only choice really, that we get to make, once the kids are beyond a certain age. On the genetic component to behavior: husband said something very similar to that just the other night, Dammit. (That idea that difficult child behaviors are genetically mandated, and that nothing we might have done has made any difference one way or another.) We had just heard from our difficult child. And the story was the same one. Only now, even we can see it, as difficult child is soon to be thirty-two years old. What, he could not recover from a bad childhood, or insufficient parenting, or whatever the traumatic event(s) were by now? Not that he is approaching it in an ethical or straightforward way, but our difficult child wants to come home again. (Remember the phone call I posted about a few months back? I was right.) This is what husband said, and is something you may find helpful, too: "I feel bad for difficult child, but I do not feel sorry for him. difficult child is a man. He is making the choices a man makes. I don't have an issue with that. If difficult child had it to do again, he would do it the same way. A man makes his choices and takes the consequences, or the rewards. And he repeats: "I don't have an issue with that." Whatever difficult child says, husband says "I don't have an issue with that." So, you asked how we live with the outcome. I think slsh was correct in one way ~ we know we have done all we could. No ghosts whisperings down the years about how we did not care or how, somehow, we were irresponsible parents and created monsters. (Remember when everything ~ even homosexuality ~ was blamed on the mother?) But I think my husband has the right attitude, the right response, for this time in our lives: "I don't have an issue with that. The grief for us is becoming a very private thing. It seems to have less and less to do with what has happened to difficult child than it does with the wonderful things that never did happen for us with the son we could see so clearly until he ~ disappeared. And both ends of that spectrum seem to meet in the middle somewhere, and husband and I go on, and don't expect anything different from difficult child. Unlike the mothers of an earlier generation though, those of us who come here have the site, and one another. (Thank you Fran, thank you Abbey, thank you runawaybunny.) I am sorry for your pain, Janet. But it really does not matter what the psychs call it, other than to prove to you, once and for all, that you were coping with an impossible situation and did everything humanly possible, and more, for your son. Bitter comfort, right? But I have learned to take what comfort I can where I find it. You are stronger than I am, Janet. You can do this. You don't have to like it, but you CAN do this. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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