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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 766489" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Aloha all,</p><p>I want to thank you again from the bottom of my heart for your kind words of encouragement and for inquiring on my well being. I am slowly healing and feeling a bit better health wise. A bit more energy each day. I have been working at my art here and there, since I am not physically able yet to get back to the full swing of gardening. It has been good to get back to painting. </p><p>I wanted to address your posts individually, but a recurring issue has arisen that has set my mind racing. The clock is ticking loudly as time slows to a near halt with unsettling circumstance. Yet again another crisis to deal with. </p><p>A few days ago I received a call from my eldest, Rain, who I have not heard from since she came to visit more than a month or so ago. She was coughing and short of breath, at a park, in a downpour. I heard myself telling her that she could come over and shower and rest at my house. I write it as such, because I have been pretty adamant through these years that she not stay with us, because of all of the issues that come along with loving a meth addicted adult child. There was something in her voice that struck at the core of me. You may recall that her last hospitalization a few months ago was pretty dire with a diagnosis of heart and kidney damage due to her lifestyle. </p><p>She called me on the 10th (was at the ER on the 5th, “treated for asthma, fluids in her lungs”, then released) and had not picked up medications due to hospital records and prescriptions being under her former married name, and her latest insurance being under her maiden name. So I have been trying to straighten that mess out, while observing that her cough was not any better and that she looked just awful. She did not want to go back to the ER, so I ended up going to the pharmacy and paid for her medications. Her sisters also pleaded with her to go and get rechecked, but she insisted that she was feeling okay. </p><p>Last night, she was extremely short of breath and I was able to get her to go back to the ER. Turns out, her blood pressure was super high (180/110) and the doctor came in and said “This is not asthma, it is her congestive heart failure and it is bad.” </p><p>So, they admitted her after a long night trying to stabilize her. </p><p>I am tired. I am numb and angry at the same time. I am mad at the doctor who “treated” her on the 5th then released her in such a terrible state, high blood pressure, fluid in her lungs and blood test indicators of heart damage. I am mad at my beautiful eldest daughter who has thrown her health away to street life for years. I am mad at myself for not being able to convince her earlier to go back to the ER.</p><p>She is not at the right hospital. It is the same women’s and children’s hospital my Hoku was at after her traumatic birth injury where a nurse revealed to me that “they don’t really have specialists for adults, only children.” But, the hospitalist this early morning felt that they could treat Rain. I urged them to transfer her to a hospital that has a heart specialist. </p><p>Sigh.</p><p>All the things swimming in my head. I know well the phrases that we parents have to learn to navigate the rough journey of living with the misery of beloved adult children addicted and estranged. “Didn’t cause it, can’t control it, can’t change it.” How empty those words feel in dire straights. How easily the “rescue mode” switch is toggled that can send one to the edge of the rabbit hole. So, I will have to remind myself of how many times in the past, the phone call, the visit, the contact, then no contact, have sent me into the swirly whirly of over thinking, over doing, over imagining all of the terrible consequences. But this is <em>real</em>. <em>Again</em>. It is not over imagining. I pray for a miracle, but know deep down that my daughter has been drawn even closer to her end by her addiction. Congestive heart failure and kidney disease. The doctor asked her about her meth use, it’s on her medical record. “When was the last time you used?” “About a week ago” she replied. “Each time you use, it damages your heart further.” It does not sink in. It has not scared her straight. </p><p>I have often said I don’t believe in rock bottom. My two have gone beyond that, by all accounts. </p><p>I will still hold on to hope. I have to. I will go and love on my daughter in the hospital. <em>Again</em>. For myself as much as for her. If she leaves this earthly realm, at least she will know that I love her still, always have and always will. If only love could save. If only the hands of time could turn back and rewrite the chapters of life’s book. </p><p>Prayers are needed.</p><p>It will be as it is, and I must deal with it. </p><p>God help us all.</p><p>Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 766489, member: 19522"] Aloha all, I want to thank you again from the bottom of my heart for your kind words of encouragement and for inquiring on my well being. I am slowly healing and feeling a bit better health wise. A bit more energy each day. I have been working at my art here and there, since I am not physically able yet to get back to the full swing of gardening. It has been good to get back to painting. I wanted to address your posts individually, but a recurring issue has arisen that has set my mind racing. The clock is ticking loudly as time slows to a near halt with unsettling circumstance. Yet again another crisis to deal with. A few days ago I received a call from my eldest, Rain, who I have not heard from since she came to visit more than a month or so ago. She was coughing and short of breath, at a park, in a downpour. I heard myself telling her that she could come over and shower and rest at my house. I write it as such, because I have been pretty adamant through these years that she not stay with us, because of all of the issues that come along with loving a meth addicted adult child. There was something in her voice that struck at the core of me. You may recall that her last hospitalization a few months ago was pretty dire with a diagnosis of heart and kidney damage due to her lifestyle. She called me on the 10th (was at the ER on the 5th, “treated for asthma, fluids in her lungs”, then released) and had not picked up medications due to hospital records and prescriptions being under her former married name, and her latest insurance being under her maiden name. So I have been trying to straighten that mess out, while observing that her cough was not any better and that she looked just awful. She did not want to go back to the ER, so I ended up going to the pharmacy and paid for her medications. Her sisters also pleaded with her to go and get rechecked, but she insisted that she was feeling okay. Last night, she was extremely short of breath and I was able to get her to go back to the ER. Turns out, her blood pressure was super high (180/110) and the doctor came in and said “This is not asthma, it is her congestive heart failure and it is bad.” So, they admitted her after a long night trying to stabilize her. I am tired. I am numb and angry at the same time. I am mad at the doctor who “treated” her on the 5th then released her in such a terrible state, high blood pressure, fluid in her lungs and blood test indicators of heart damage. I am mad at my beautiful eldest daughter who has thrown her health away to street life for years. I am mad at myself for not being able to convince her earlier to go back to the ER. She is not at the right hospital. It is the same women’s and children’s hospital my Hoku was at after her traumatic birth injury where a nurse revealed to me that “they don’t really have specialists for adults, only children.” But, the hospitalist this early morning felt that they could treat Rain. I urged them to transfer her to a hospital that has a heart specialist. Sigh. All the things swimming in my head. I know well the phrases that we parents have to learn to navigate the rough journey of living with the misery of beloved adult children addicted and estranged. “Didn’t cause it, can’t control it, can’t change it.” How empty those words feel in dire straights. How easily the “rescue mode” switch is toggled that can send one to the edge of the rabbit hole. So, I will have to remind myself of how many times in the past, the phone call, the visit, the contact, then no contact, have sent me into the swirly whirly of over thinking, over doing, over imagining all of the terrible consequences. But this is [I]real[/I]. [I]Again[/I]. It is not over imagining. I pray for a miracle, but know deep down that my daughter has been drawn even closer to her end by her addiction. Congestive heart failure and kidney disease. The doctor asked her about her meth use, it’s on her medical record. “When was the last time you used?” “About a week ago” she replied. “Each time you use, it damages your heart further.” It does not sink in. It has not scared her straight. I have often said I don’t believe in rock bottom. My two have gone beyond that, by all accounts. I will still hold on to hope. I have to. I will go and love on my daughter in the hospital. [I]Again[/I]. For myself as much as for her. If she leaves this earthly realm, at least she will know that I love her still, always have and always will. If only love could save. If only the hands of time could turn back and rewrite the chapters of life’s book. Prayers are needed. It will be as it is, and I must deal with it. God help us all. Leaf [/QUOTE]
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