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Relationship Patterns / Dysfunctional FOO Issues
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 670795" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Cedar, I have pictures of her on my computer.</p><p></p><p>I google "beautiful older women" and she comes up.</p><p></p><p>New Leaf, thank you for your post and your support. I have not yet watched the videos but anticipate it gleefully.</p><p></p><p>I have to go and do stuff but I want to write a little about the dream I had so that I do not forget it completely:</p><p></p><p>I went to my cousin's for dinner. We are the age we are now, at least within 15 years of it. She is living in Berkeley (where she never lived but I did). She is anticipating having guests. My mother is alive but is old and ill and is in a back bedroom. She never appears in the dream. For some reason my cousin gives me high heeled boots. I think they are red-brown colored. I know definitely they are very high heeled and go almost to my knee.</p><p></p><p>I am not close to this cousin who lives in the town where I live. We only see each other if we bump into each other.</p><p></p><p>She asks me to help her by going to buy meat for the group. 2 Tri Tip roasts and chicken legs. My son is with me. We buy the meat and forget the chicken legs.</p><p>It turns out OK.</p><p></p><p>At some point this morphs first morphs into an exam of some sort to assess proficiency (I am with 2 friends from the past, but become separated from them. I cannot remember who). And then it morphs into a my going to a huge gay pride/identity convention in a big stadium. </p><p></p><p>People are categorized into 3 groups. One group, I remember, are completely gay-identified. The second group I cannot remember, but they are more ambiguous. The third is more conventional.</p><p></p><p>I remember being celebrated because I am a mother. I remember feeling very good about myself, very connected to and happy to be with the people close to me, who I did not know. I remember being very afraid I would lose my boots which had fallen down below me, and my leather motorcycle jacket, as well (I have two. Really.) I was also afraid I would fall down into the stadium below me.</p><p></p><p>There were wonderful, heartfelt speeches. One was by a man that people said was close to death. He spoke about having been homeless and lost. He had made himself into a greatly esteemed person with a greatly meaningful life. He was a representative of the highly-identified completely gay group. I remember being so moved by him and his speech. A woman spoke, too. I remember having a very favorable response, too.</p><p></p><p>The event ended and as we were leaving (I had found my boots) filed out, a large group of the esteemed and well-identified participants (whatever that means) had filed out and were waiting next to the wall, to reenter when they were able. I remember seeing the faces of so many people I had known somewhat in my life, who I had not known or accepted were gay.</p><p></p><p>At some point I was walking with 3 women from Finland who remarked they had not known themselves (I mean, each other) before they came to America. I wondered at the time if they were associated with Suzir (who posts here.)</p><p></p><p>I remember thinking that my identity was so much more fluid then I had ever believed. More encompassing. It had not to do with sexual identity, but with identity and acceptance of myself and others.</p><p></p><p>I remember M was outside waiting for me and joined me. I felt anchored. This felt good and bad. Like he was cramping my style because he is so certain and solid in his identity, and near him I am fixed, too. At the same time I felt a certain security. Like with him I would be less likely to wander off to gay pride conventions where I would get confused.</p><p></p><p>And then he woke me up. I wish he hadn't. I liked this place I was at.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p><p></p><p>PS If anybody is a meat eater I have a wonderful recipe for Tri Tip.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 670795, member: 18958"] Cedar, I have pictures of her on my computer. I google "beautiful older women" and she comes up. New Leaf, thank you for your post and your support. I have not yet watched the videos but anticipate it gleefully. I have to go and do stuff but I want to write a little about the dream I had so that I do not forget it completely: I went to my cousin's for dinner. We are the age we are now, at least within 15 years of it. She is living in Berkeley (where she never lived but I did). She is anticipating having guests. My mother is alive but is old and ill and is in a back bedroom. She never appears in the dream. For some reason my cousin gives me high heeled boots. I think they are red-brown colored. I know definitely they are very high heeled and go almost to my knee. I am not close to this cousin who lives in the town where I live. We only see each other if we bump into each other. She asks me to help her by going to buy meat for the group. 2 Tri Tip roasts and chicken legs. My son is with me. We buy the meat and forget the chicken legs. It turns out OK. At some point this morphs first morphs into an exam of some sort to assess proficiency (I am with 2 friends from the past, but become separated from them. I cannot remember who). And then it morphs into a my going to a huge gay pride/identity convention in a big stadium. People are categorized into 3 groups. One group, I remember, are completely gay-identified. The second group I cannot remember, but they are more ambiguous. The third is more conventional. I remember being celebrated because I am a mother. I remember feeling very good about myself, very connected to and happy to be with the people close to me, who I did not know. I remember being very afraid I would lose my boots which had fallen down below me, and my leather motorcycle jacket, as well (I have two. Really.) I was also afraid I would fall down into the stadium below me. There were wonderful, heartfelt speeches. One was by a man that people said was close to death. He spoke about having been homeless and lost. He had made himself into a greatly esteemed person with a greatly meaningful life. He was a representative of the highly-identified completely gay group. I remember being so moved by him and his speech. A woman spoke, too. I remember having a very favorable response, too. The event ended and as we were leaving (I had found my boots) filed out, a large group of the esteemed and well-identified participants (whatever that means) had filed out and were waiting next to the wall, to reenter when they were able. I remember seeing the faces of so many people I had known somewhat in my life, who I had not known or accepted were gay. At some point I was walking with 3 women from Finland who remarked they had not known themselves (I mean, each other) before they came to America. I wondered at the time if they were associated with Suzir (who posts here.) I remember thinking that my identity was so much more fluid then I had ever believed. More encompassing. It had not to do with sexual identity, but with identity and acceptance of myself and others. I remember M was outside waiting for me and joined me. I felt anchored. This felt good and bad. Like he was cramping my style because he is so certain and solid in his identity, and near him I am fixed, too. At the same time I felt a certain security. Like with him I would be less likely to wander off to gay pride conventions where I would get confused. And then he woke me up. I wish he hadn't. I liked this place I was at. COPA PS If anybody is a meat eater I have a wonderful recipe for Tri Tip. [/QUOTE]
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