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Family of Origin
Relationship Patterns / Dysfunctional FOO Issues
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 671171" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Copa, it is incredibly difficult to share all of this.</p><p>I know, because I have had similar experiences with the hubs. </p><p>It is painful, it is a rawness, and reveals a vulnerability. Not ours. Their vulnerability.</p><p></p><p>The same for hubs, and my Dad. Dad had many struggles with alcohol, not the day to day drunken images we perceive, but the once in a while all out, oh G-d I've done it again, one or two or three drinks too many and lost control of myself kind of drinking.</p><p>I think Dad was more <em>self </em>destructive.</p><p>The hubs, too had a drinking problem. He drank to get through life. He drank to numb his memories of being raised in a family so dysfunctional, a father so abusive, a mother so compliant, it makes my toes curl to think of it. But you know what Copa, sometimes when he drank, those memories would come pouring out of him.</p><p>His drinking was both self destructive and destructive to me.</p><p>He was a mean drunk.</p><p>Happy go lucky with friends, mean and abusive to me.</p><p></p><p></p><p>This brings back a lot of memories for me Copa. You are not alone in having experienced this.</p><p></p><p></p><p>How strong you were, and how wonderful G-d provided a ride for you.</p><p>There were many times, Copa I got out of the car at a stop light, to get away from the hubs.</p><p></p><p>It is hard for me to write this too. But, it is true.</p><p></p><p></p><p>This is such a recent memory, Copa. I am writing about events that occurred 35 years ago, yet they are still fresh in my mind. The things he does now, more subtle, remind me that the darkness is still lurking.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Did this remind you of your experience with M Copa? </p><p>Sometimes things seem completely unrelated, but they have a way of conjuring the memory.</p><p></p><p>Bottom lines are important.</p><p></p><p>That is a good trait.</p><p></p><p>I am sure you will not Copa. Roar, or should I say Howl.</p><p></p><p>Yes, Copa it is very hard to write.</p><p>The Bull<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" /> is what makes me so mad. "Protecting you from falling" my butt.</p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/soapbox.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":soapbox:" title="soapbox :soapbox:" data-shortname=":soapbox:" /></p><p></p><p>Your stepfather had no right to do such a thing, neither does M, much the same, try to twist it into a confabulated protection excuse.</p><p> He must see this for what it is Copa, for it to stop and for you to be safe.</p><p></p><p>Ancient Hawaiians believed the head to be a most sacred thing. It is something to be protected, because it is one of the centers of our being.</p><p>It is one of the piko.</p><p>A portal, where all of our connection to everything exists.</p><p></p><p>The head is not to be touched or handled disrespectfully.</p><p></p><p>I see the intelligence in this.</p><p>There is new discovery on the fragility of our brains, that our brains are much more easily injured than was previously thought.</p><p></p><p>I do not know what is worse Copa, the hand on the head, or the insult of the excuse.</p><p></p><p>I am glad you see it for what it is. M needs to own this. </p><p>I am not saying you must leave him. </p><p>But this intolerable putting of hands on you, he must own.</p><p></p><p>Yes Copa, I am there with you.</p><p>My hubs has a way of looking at the world thusly.</p><p>So different we are.</p><p>Perhaps in this way we compliment one another.</p><p>Or, his negativity drives me to the positive ever more so.</p><p></p><p>Yet, he has his TV watching, my hubs. He has his moods and his non-communicating. </p><p>He drives me to the computer, then complains of it. Huh.</p><p></p><p>I see my time here as an education. I am in college as I share and learn and grow here on CD.</p><p></p><p>I know I must balance myself more, with my work and housekeeping.</p><p></p><p>But I believe this is very important work, this clicking, because I feel myself changing and growing.</p><p></p><p>He sees, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Ahhhh but the perception of it is there.</p><p> </p><p>It is coming, and if he loves you the way I think he does, he sees it Copa. He wants it, but fears it at the same time.</p><p></p><p> This stagnating, Copa, I have thought about it. My son is 14 and going through an incredible physical growth period, eating us out of house and home, he has gotten an inch taller in two months. In this time, his brain is kind of well-gone. He does things, like leave the door open, the refrigerator door, the front door. He is clumsy and trips. He is not a careless person. I have read that when children have growth spurts, the brain goes on vacation.</p><p></p><p>What if this stagnation you speak of, this taking to your bed, was all about your brain growing, so your body went quiet?</p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes Copa, my hubs had the same dynamics. He can be passive and accommodating, he has strength of character, but the stuff of his FOO, the numbing, comes out in bits and spurts and pieces at the weirdest times.</p><p>This does not mean I accept the wrong behavior, but ahhhh, I understand it.</p><p>Add health issues and "grumpy old man syndrome" we make quite the odd couple.</p><p></p><p></p><p>No, you do not have to abandon yourself, or even M, for that matter. We all make mistakes, we all act out of sorts in one way or the other.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I like you being Germany too Copa, it is exciting, watching this transformation.</p><p> Yes, and no. It is up to you to decide. As Cedar wrote in all of her wisdom, the boat rocks.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Men do not handle pain well Copa, physical or emotional. If men had to bear children, the human race could not have survived.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p> We all fail.</p><p></p><p></p><p>It is as it should be. What is falling in love at our age? Would it be the passion of a 20 year old, or the great comfort of having someone by our sides. The knowledge that we are not perfect and they are not perfect and somehow making it work.</p><p>The maturity to not completely lose yourself in the grips of love as a younger person would.</p><p></p><p>Copa, thank you for sharing more of your relationship and this struggle. I know it was not easy for you.</p><p></p><p>For me, the past experiences I have had with my hubs are painful. In the drama of it all, I did understand that he was reacting and patterning because of his horrendous upbringing. Although I did not accept or condone it, I understood it. He gave up drinking. He changed. The stuff is still in there, because he has never worked it out. I sometimes wonder if it has much to do with his health issues, I do not think anyone can bear the memories he has, and not release the pain of it, without some kind of ramifications.</p><p></p><p>We have been through much, the hubs and I, as you and M have in your relationship together.</p><p>Cedar put it so succinctly in one of her posts, how she and D H loved and hated each other.</p><p></p><p>Good Lord, when we told my father we were going to get married, that is exactly what he said</p><p>"There will be times when you will absolutely hate each other"</p><p></p><p>Imagine that.</p><p></p><p>Then there are times when we absolutely love each other. Not mushy, gushy love, but the love of knowing we had stayed by one another's side through the thick and thin of it.</p><p></p><p>I am much comforted by your post Copa.</p><p>You are in a good place.</p><p>You are an amazingly, intelligent, strong woman.</p><p>And you will figure this one out.</p><p></p><p>Howl</p><p></p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 671171, member: 19522"] Copa, it is incredibly difficult to share all of this. I know, because I have had similar experiences with the hubs. It is painful, it is a rawness, and reveals a vulnerability. Not ours. Their vulnerability. The same for hubs, and my Dad. Dad had many struggles with alcohol, not the day to day drunken images we perceive, but the once in a while all out, oh G-d I've done it again, one or two or three drinks too many and lost control of myself kind of drinking. I think Dad was more [I]self [/I]destructive. The hubs, too had a drinking problem. He drank to get through life. He drank to numb his memories of being raised in a family so dysfunctional, a father so abusive, a mother so compliant, it makes my toes curl to think of it. But you know what Copa, sometimes when he drank, those memories would come pouring out of him. His drinking was both self destructive and destructive to me. He was a mean drunk. Happy go lucky with friends, mean and abusive to me. This brings back a lot of memories for me Copa. You are not alone in having experienced this. How strong you were, and how wonderful G-d provided a ride for you. There were many times, Copa I got out of the car at a stop light, to get away from the hubs. It is hard for me to write this too. But, it is true. This is such a recent memory, Copa. I am writing about events that occurred 35 years ago, yet they are still fresh in my mind. The things he does now, more subtle, remind me that the darkness is still lurking. Did this remind you of your experience with M Copa? Sometimes things seem completely unrelated, but they have a way of conjuring the memory. Bottom lines are important. That is a good trait. I am sure you will not Copa. Roar, or should I say Howl. Yes, Copa it is very hard to write. The Bull:censored2: is what makes me so mad. "Protecting you from falling" my butt. :soapbox: Your stepfather had no right to do such a thing, neither does M, much the same, try to twist it into a confabulated protection excuse. He must see this for what it is Copa, for it to stop and for you to be safe. Ancient Hawaiians believed the head to be a most sacred thing. It is something to be protected, because it is one of the centers of our being. It is one of the piko. A portal, where all of our connection to everything exists. The head is not to be touched or handled disrespectfully. I see the intelligence in this. There is new discovery on the fragility of our brains, that our brains are much more easily injured than was previously thought. I do not know what is worse Copa, the hand on the head, or the insult of the excuse. I am glad you see it for what it is. M needs to own this. I am not saying you must leave him. But this intolerable putting of hands on you, he must own. Yes Copa, I am there with you. My hubs has a way of looking at the world thusly. So different we are. Perhaps in this way we compliment one another. Or, his negativity drives me to the positive ever more so. Yet, he has his TV watching, my hubs. He has his moods and his non-communicating. He drives me to the computer, then complains of it. Huh. I see my time here as an education. I am in college as I share and learn and grow here on CD. I know I must balance myself more, with my work and housekeeping. But I believe this is very important work, this clicking, because I feel myself changing and growing. He sees, Copa. Ahhhh but the perception of it is there. It is coming, and if he loves you the way I think he does, he sees it Copa. He wants it, but fears it at the same time. This stagnating, Copa, I have thought about it. My son is 14 and going through an incredible physical growth period, eating us out of house and home, he has gotten an inch taller in two months. In this time, his brain is kind of well-gone. He does things, like leave the door open, the refrigerator door, the front door. He is clumsy and trips. He is not a careless person. I have read that when children have growth spurts, the brain goes on vacation. What if this stagnation you speak of, this taking to your bed, was all about your brain growing, so your body went quiet? Yes Copa, my hubs had the same dynamics. He can be passive and accommodating, he has strength of character, but the stuff of his FOO, the numbing, comes out in bits and spurts and pieces at the weirdest times. This does not mean I accept the wrong behavior, but ahhhh, I understand it. Add health issues and "grumpy old man syndrome" we make quite the odd couple. No, you do not have to abandon yourself, or even M, for that matter. We all make mistakes, we all act out of sorts in one way or the other. I like you being Germany too Copa, it is exciting, watching this transformation. Yes, and no. It is up to you to decide. As Cedar wrote in all of her wisdom, the boat rocks. Men do not handle pain well Copa, physical or emotional. If men had to bear children, the human race could not have survived. We all fail. It is as it should be. What is falling in love at our age? Would it be the passion of a 20 year old, or the great comfort of having someone by our sides. The knowledge that we are not perfect and they are not perfect and somehow making it work. The maturity to not completely lose yourself in the grips of love as a younger person would. Copa, thank you for sharing more of your relationship and this struggle. I know it was not easy for you. For me, the past experiences I have had with my hubs are painful. In the drama of it all, I did understand that he was reacting and patterning because of his horrendous upbringing. Although I did not accept or condone it, I understood it. He gave up drinking. He changed. The stuff is still in there, because he has never worked it out. I sometimes wonder if it has much to do with his health issues, I do not think anyone can bear the memories he has, and not release the pain of it, without some kind of ramifications. We have been through much, the hubs and I, as you and M have in your relationship together. Cedar put it so succinctly in one of her posts, how she and D H loved and hated each other. Good Lord, when we told my father we were going to get married, that is exactly what he said "There will be times when you will absolutely hate each other" Imagine that. Then there are times when we absolutely love each other. Not mushy, gushy love, but the love of knowing we had stayed by one another's side through the thick and thin of it. I am much comforted by your post Copa. You are in a good place. You are an amazingly, intelligent, strong woman. And you will figure this one out. Howl Leafy [/QUOTE]
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