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Family of Origin
Relationship Patterns / Dysfunctional FOO Issues
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 671177" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I think that even though our relationship is only 6 years old, and I was already at an advanced age, I have obeyed him.</p><p></p><p>I do not think I am obeying so much.</p><p></p><p>M talks about this, too. How I am aggressive and impose my will over him <em>but do it in a different way. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>I think he feels invalidated by me, in ways I am not conscious of. My son has felt the same way. I have changed some with my son. I am more direct about my limits and expectations and silent about my opinions. And less controlling. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>In a way by changing into Germany, I may be usurping the space I ceded to M. That is not bad. Because for him to become a little bit Argentina is not a bad thing. After all, Argentina has Borges and the Tango. And delicious food.</p><p></p><p> Which must be what our changing does to them. If we function outside of a role or no longer accept the space they have allowed us, this changes stuff for them. Their roles are impacted. They cannot continue as they were without confusion or distress.</p><p></p><p>This was M, too. I was not around when he drank to excess. But the dynamics were the same in his birth family as for your Hubs.</p><p></p><p>His father was one of the most famous mariachi singers/guitarists in Mexico at a time when this was the pinnacle of celebrity. His father lived his life as a womanizer, leaving his family to starve. He is alcoholic.</p><p></p><p>M began to work at 5 years old to help his mother feed the other children. M's father beat M's mother and the older sons when they tried to protect her. He was thrown out of the house when he was 13 when he and his older brother tried to protect the mom for the last time. His father kicked him on the floor with his boots, in the head. (*Interesting huh?).</p><p></p><p>He and his brother wandered through Mx trying to survive, including the desert where they climbed trees or something (I do not know what kind of trees are in the dessert) to escape snakes and scorpions. Or I think that is the story. Something creepy.)</p><p>Yes. In a million years I would not have thought I could or would be Germany or want to be. Until Cedar told me I was. And I thought? Really? I am Germany?</p><p></p><p>Yes. I am Germany. And that made all the difference. I have forfeited the Germany part of me for my whole life.</p><p></p><p>I can have self-control. I can own responsibility. I can own accountability. I can be decisive. Insistent and make rules. And impose them. Without fear and shame. I can be dominant and strong. I do not need to have a debt crisis. I can take the leadership role. I can plan and administrate. I need to put it into effect, only.</p><p></p><p>I can even be prompt and run on time. And be neat and clean and organized. I have said it before but will do so again: I can budget. I can be frugal. And careful. I can respect authority. Especially my own. I can keep my own counsel. </p><p></p><p>The more I realize this and the implications the more dazzled I am with the concept.</p><p></p><p>Metaphor is so powerful. It is like Cedar talks about with the mother who named her grief with the image of "The Scream."</p><p></p><p>Thank you New Leaf and Cedar and Feeling and Serenity. Welcome back, Serenity.</p><p></p><p>I am grateful.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 671177, member: 18958"] I think that even though our relationship is only 6 years old, and I was already at an advanced age, I have obeyed him. I do not think I am obeying so much. M talks about this, too. How I am aggressive and impose my will over him [I]but do it in a different way. I think he feels invalidated by me, in ways I am not conscious of. My son has felt the same way. I have changed some with my son. I am more direct about my limits and expectations and silent about my opinions. And less controlling. [/I] In a way by changing into Germany, I may be usurping the space I ceded to M. That is not bad. Because for him to become a little bit Argentina is not a bad thing. After all, Argentina has Borges and the Tango. And delicious food. Which must be what our changing does to them. If we function outside of a role or no longer accept the space they have allowed us, this changes stuff for them. Their roles are impacted. They cannot continue as they were without confusion or distress. This was M, too. I was not around when he drank to excess. But the dynamics were the same in his birth family as for your Hubs. His father was one of the most famous mariachi singers/guitarists in Mexico at a time when this was the pinnacle of celebrity. His father lived his life as a womanizer, leaving his family to starve. He is alcoholic. M began to work at 5 years old to help his mother feed the other children. M's father beat M's mother and the older sons when they tried to protect her. He was thrown out of the house when he was 13 when he and his older brother tried to protect the mom for the last time. His father kicked him on the floor with his boots, in the head. (*Interesting huh?). He and his brother wandered through Mx trying to survive, including the desert where they climbed trees or something (I do not know what kind of trees are in the dessert) to escape snakes and scorpions. Or I think that is the story. Something creepy.) Yes. In a million years I would not have thought I could or would be Germany or want to be. Until Cedar told me I was. And I thought? Really? I am Germany? Yes. I am Germany. And that made all the difference. I have forfeited the Germany part of me for my whole life. I can have self-control. I can own responsibility. I can own accountability. I can be decisive. Insistent and make rules. And impose them. Without fear and shame. I can be dominant and strong. I do not need to have a debt crisis. I can take the leadership role. I can plan and administrate. I need to put it into effect, only. I can even be prompt and run on time. And be neat and clean and organized. I have said it before but will do so again: I can budget. I can be frugal. And careful. I can respect authority. Especially my own. I can keep my own counsel. The more I realize this and the implications the more dazzled I am with the concept. Metaphor is so powerful. It is like Cedar talks about with the mother who named her grief with the image of "The Scream." Thank you New Leaf and Cedar and Feeling and Serenity. Welcome back, Serenity. I am grateful. COPA [/QUOTE]
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