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Family of Origin
Relationship Patterns / Dysfunctional FOO Issues
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 671235" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I was going to say that I first became aware of the horror of this space about 7 years ago in an interaction with my son. He said something so nullifying to me that I could not bear how it felt--as if I did not exist. I think it must have catapulted me back to a pre-verbal state, where I did not have even the language to express my feelings or tell myself that I even existed apart from the person who cared for me, my Mother.</p><p></p><p>And my son's words triggered this place where I did not even feel I could exist.</p><p></p><p>But when I went into analysis (with the doctor who was eventually discredited) this place is where I would not go. With him. I fought to not go there. A win I did not want. Because I wanted to "get better." And getting better meant going to this place I would not go.</p><p></p><p>Yes. And when we were erased in their eyes, we felt as if we did not exist because it was at a point where we only existed as people through their gaze or words or touch. To be denied it deprived of as if life. We died.</p><p></p><p>And by not being seen we were killed off over and over again, psychically.</p><p></p><p>And beneath invisibility is a kind of social death. When done to adults we call it marginalizing or shunning. When it is done to an infant or toddler it kills them. They die.</p><p></p><p>This is what happens in orphanages. The babies will die. Given food and changed and cared for physically, they die for lack of being "seen." We call it love but really it is acknowledgement. Is that not tragically fascinating that a psyche will wither away and perish for not being awoken by a sleeping beauty kiss? </p><p></p><p>I like this, Cedar. Because it puts the onus right on the relationship, the conversation between two equal people. It also puts gives trust and possibility and expectation that the other will meet the challenge.</p><p></p><p>And if sustained, death.</p><p></p><p>We have posted about this, Cedar. A while back. About the sisters. Or in my case, about my sister.</p><p></p><p>Remember? She would say or do something raunchy. Impossibly wrong. And I would see it. Know it happened. Experienced the feelings.</p><p></p><p>In fact, the feeling would be "nullified." She would as if nullify me as a person. Make me not exist. It would horrify me.</p><p></p><p>And what would I do? I would nullify myself. Obey. I would know what I knew. But disbelieve it. Know it happened. But not believe it happened. <em>Willfully Incredulous.</em></p><p></p><p><em>I still am shaking my head that my sister could be so brilliantly evil.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>How could her instincts be so acute and perceptive that she would know how to cause me "social death?" </p><p></p><p>That is very interesting about your love of ballet and martial arts where every nuance is so codified and formalized that there is no space for personal improvisation required to express something unknown or covert. Everything is rule bound.</p><p></p><p>So now you are stepping out of the formalized roles. Where there are no rules. And everything is improvisation so you only have the integrity and motivation to sustain relationship driving it. It is kind of interesting, no?</p><p></p><p>Thank you Cedar. Good morning New Leaf and Feeling.</p><p></p><p>I bought Halloween Candy for the first time in several years. Big mistake. I ate 2/3 of it. And then we were so spent by the time trick or treat came, we turned off the porch light.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 671235, member: 18958"] I was going to say that I first became aware of the horror of this space about 7 years ago in an interaction with my son. He said something so nullifying to me that I could not bear how it felt--as if I did not exist. I think it must have catapulted me back to a pre-verbal state, where I did not have even the language to express my feelings or tell myself that I even existed apart from the person who cared for me, my Mother. And my son's words triggered this place where I did not even feel I could exist. But when I went into analysis (with the doctor who was eventually discredited) this place is where I would not go. With him. I fought to not go there. A win I did not want. Because I wanted to "get better." And getting better meant going to this place I would not go. Yes. And when we were erased in their eyes, we felt as if we did not exist because it was at a point where we only existed as people through their gaze or words or touch. To be denied it deprived of as if life. We died. And by not being seen we were killed off over and over again, psychically. And beneath invisibility is a kind of social death. When done to adults we call it marginalizing or shunning. When it is done to an infant or toddler it kills them. They die. This is what happens in orphanages. The babies will die. Given food and changed and cared for physically, they die for lack of being "seen." We call it love but really it is acknowledgement. Is that not tragically fascinating that a psyche will wither away and perish for not being awoken by a sleeping beauty kiss? I like this, Cedar. Because it puts the onus right on the relationship, the conversation between two equal people. It also puts gives trust and possibility and expectation that the other will meet the challenge. And if sustained, death. We have posted about this, Cedar. A while back. About the sisters. Or in my case, about my sister. Remember? She would say or do something raunchy. Impossibly wrong. And I would see it. Know it happened. Experienced the feelings. In fact, the feeling would be "nullified." She would as if nullify me as a person. Make me not exist. It would horrify me. And what would I do? I would nullify myself. Obey. I would know what I knew. But disbelieve it. Know it happened. But not believe it happened. [I]Willfully Incredulous.[/I] [I]I still am shaking my head that my sister could be so brilliantly evil. [/I] How could her instincts be so acute and perceptive that she would know how to cause me "social death?" That is very interesting about your love of ballet and martial arts where every nuance is so codified and formalized that there is no space for personal improvisation required to express something unknown or covert. Everything is rule bound. So now you are stepping out of the formalized roles. Where there are no rules. And everything is improvisation so you only have the integrity and motivation to sustain relationship driving it. It is kind of interesting, no? Thank you Cedar. Good morning New Leaf and Feeling. I bought Halloween Candy for the first time in several years. Big mistake. I ate 2/3 of it. And then we were so spent by the time trick or treat came, we turned off the porch light. COPA [/QUOTE]
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