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Relationship Patterns / Dysfunctional FOO Issues
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 671362" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>What I do not know (among the many things) is how to broach this to him without antagonizing him.</p><p></p><p>I brought up today: I need the help of your sister and niece. Not only do I want to organize the house but I want to sell what I bought and we do not need.</p><p></p><p>I think my security and your security and our safety is not threatened by anybody outside of us, our safety can only come from us. We create it. And we threaten it too, by what we lack or fear or do not protect.</p><p></p><p>I agree, he said. I am saying: Ask her for help but keep something guarded always, a piece private in you.</p><p></p><p>My sisters do not mean to hurt. They want to play a part. It is as if a drama that you are telling and they want a role, too.</p><p></p><p>You mean like to be director or an actress or to rewrite a little bit of the story to make it more dramatic? Yes. That is exactly what I mean.</p><p></p><p>I have come to two decisions.</p><p></p><p>First, I will try as hard as I can to work on myself to do and be what I need. And to work at befriending and studying M, so as to deepen our connection and to know him better.</p><p></p><p>Second, I will try to stay present. I am in a perfect position. I am not legally married and I do not need to be. I have a way to support myself and to make my life worthwhile and meaningful.</p><p></p><p>I am getting strong enough to feel and know that I do not need anybody to survive. I never did before, and I am almost to the point where I can see that I will be OK now.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, when you told me the other day something like not to abandon myself, I realized I had me, if I just chose to.</p><p></p><p>That puts me in the driver's seat to take the risk to push the envelope with M to not fear learning what I need to, and accepting what I learn. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain.</p><p></p><p>This is very interesting. Is it gaslighting? What he said was let her get settled with her responsibilities and she will call you. Was it that he was protecting himself, fearing that if she and I grow closer, he would be threatened?</p><p>M would rather see weakness in me than in himself. I guess this is gaslighting.</p><p>M said that his daughter told him that his sister went to talk to her mother, his estranged wife, whom he separated from 11 or 12 years ago. M's sister told her that M would never return to Mexico because he was happy with me.</p><p></p><p>M's sister is clear about that to me, too, that M has told her that he does not want to leave me, that he is committed, that I need him and he needs me.</p><p></p><p>The time has come to step up to the plate: to go further. To ask more of myself and of him, to see what we are capable of together. I am strong enough now to take the risk to know him better, and myself too.</p><p></p><p>For too long <em>I have needed him</em>. I am free to decide <em>if I want him</em>. That is an entirely different question.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 671362, member: 18958"] What I do not know (among the many things) is how to broach this to him without antagonizing him. I brought up today: I need the help of your sister and niece. Not only do I want to organize the house but I want to sell what I bought and we do not need. I think my security and your security and our safety is not threatened by anybody outside of us, our safety can only come from us. We create it. And we threaten it too, by what we lack or fear or do not protect. I agree, he said. I am saying: Ask her for help but keep something guarded always, a piece private in you. My sisters do not mean to hurt. They want to play a part. It is as if a drama that you are telling and they want a role, too. You mean like to be director or an actress or to rewrite a little bit of the story to make it more dramatic? Yes. That is exactly what I mean. I have come to two decisions. First, I will try as hard as I can to work on myself to do and be what I need. And to work at befriending and studying M, so as to deepen our connection and to know him better. Second, I will try to stay present. I am in a perfect position. I am not legally married and I do not need to be. I have a way to support myself and to make my life worthwhile and meaningful. I am getting strong enough to feel and know that I do not need anybody to survive. I never did before, and I am almost to the point where I can see that I will be OK now. Cedar, when you told me the other day something like not to abandon myself, I realized I had me, if I just chose to. That puts me in the driver's seat to take the risk to push the envelope with M to not fear learning what I need to, and accepting what I learn. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain. This is very interesting. Is it gaslighting? What he said was let her get settled with her responsibilities and she will call you. Was it that he was protecting himself, fearing that if she and I grow closer, he would be threatened? M would rather see weakness in me than in himself. I guess this is gaslighting. M said that his daughter told him that his sister went to talk to her mother, his estranged wife, whom he separated from 11 or 12 years ago. M's sister told her that M would never return to Mexico because he was happy with me. M's sister is clear about that to me, too, that M has told her that he does not want to leave me, that he is committed, that I need him and he needs me. The time has come to step up to the plate: to go further. To ask more of myself and of him, to see what we are capable of together. I am strong enough now to take the risk to know him better, and myself too. For too long [I]I have needed him[/I]. I am free to decide [I]if I want him[/I]. That is an entirely different question. COPA [/QUOTE]
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