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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 707506" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I am engaged in relationships like you describe with your son, and I was estranged for many years from my own mother. I was afraid of her harsh words. I was angry. I felt like I could not defend myself against her. I have come to see, after 40 years, the part I played, and the responsibility I bear. It is quite painful to me because my mother has died, which ushered in a long period of mourning and self-assessment.</p><p></p><p>I was always a "sensitive" child and adult. I experienced my mother as difficult, harsh, demanding and self-absorbed and self-serving. I felt I could not bear this. I felt that I compromised myself in relation to her. I withdrew. The estrangement lasted into 2 decades. We reconciled but in retrospect I never had the relationship to my mother than I needed and wanted. This was all revealed to me as she died, when it was too late.</p><p></p><p>Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me. But words do hurt.</p><p></p><p>But other things hurt more. Like regret. Like loss with things unsaid. The self-doubt about everything, ones whole life and self when one realizes one has failed oneself and people close. I am speaking about myself here.</p><p> Parents of young children set limits. As parents of old children we can too. And grown children can set flexible limits with parents. They do not have to be complete rejection and estrangement.</p><p></p><p>I guess what I am saying is we have the ability to pick our poison. Loss, regret, hurt as much or more, than do harsh words. The time out can be days or weeks, not years. This is what I regret.</p><p></p><p>Welcome Kimberly. You are courageous to ask questions. That is what posting does.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 707506, member: 18958"] I am engaged in relationships like you describe with your son, and I was estranged for many years from my own mother. I was afraid of her harsh words. I was angry. I felt like I could not defend myself against her. I have come to see, after 40 years, the part I played, and the responsibility I bear. It is quite painful to me because my mother has died, which ushered in a long period of mourning and self-assessment. I was always a "sensitive" child and adult. I experienced my mother as difficult, harsh, demanding and self-absorbed and self-serving. I felt I could not bear this. I felt that I compromised myself in relation to her. I withdrew. The estrangement lasted into 2 decades. We reconciled but in retrospect I never had the relationship to my mother than I needed and wanted. This was all revealed to me as she died, when it was too late. Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me. But words do hurt. But other things hurt more. Like regret. Like loss with things unsaid. The self-doubt about everything, ones whole life and self when one realizes one has failed oneself and people close. I am speaking about myself here. Parents of young children set limits. As parents of old children we can too. And grown children can set flexible limits with parents. They do not have to be complete rejection and estrangement. I guess what I am saying is we have the ability to pick our poison. Loss, regret, hurt as much or more, than do harsh words. The time out can be days or weeks, not years. This is what I regret. Welcome Kimberly. You are courageous to ask questions. That is what posting does. [/QUOTE]
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