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Rock bottom for parents of difficult children? Do we need to hit it?
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<blockquote data-quote="Hope_Floats" data-source="post: 633945" data-attributes="member: 18310"><p>I just finished reading Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children by Allison Bottke (which I highly recommend, by the way) and in it she relates her "rock-bottom" moment. I can also personally relate with a moment as well that stands out in my mind as a turning point......an "enough is enough" moment, when I gained a sudden clarity as to how much I was not only being used and manipulated but losing pieces of myself, bit by bit in the process and HARMING my child. It's one thing to be the martyr who would do anything to help a suffering child, but to give up your own life to the DETRIMENT of my child is crazy! Isn't it? Then to continue to do something that's crazy would appear to be maladaptive and a disorder of some kind. That's when I seriously went to work on my own codependency issues and started to examine my need to help, to be appreciated, to control someone else's behavior.</p><p></p><p>It may indeed be an addiction of some kind, as I've noticed that even though the "Bank of Mom and Dad" has been closed for a year now, I still feel very anxious when difficult child starts bemoaning his financial stresses. Kind of like I guess a drug addict feels when in the presence of the drug. The nervousness of whether one will be able to abstain. I WANT it so much....I WANT to help. I have the money and I keep thinking that if only I took this stress away, he could get on his feet. If I took this stress away, it would help him recover from his depression faster. It's so hard to watch your child suffer and not help. But it's like an addicts brain lies to the addicted person saying "This will help....this will take away the pain...this will make it go away...this will make you happy." The codependent parent of an adult child has the same "brain lie" problem. It's a lie because the benefit is temporary, but then the pain/problem is worse. </p><p></p><p>Excellent comparison, MidwestMom, and one I can easily relate to. I'm working on it. It won't help my child if we BOTH die.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hope_Floats, post: 633945, member: 18310"] I just finished reading Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children by Allison Bottke (which I highly recommend, by the way) and in it she relates her "rock-bottom" moment. I can also personally relate with a moment as well that stands out in my mind as a turning point......an "enough is enough" moment, when I gained a sudden clarity as to how much I was not only being used and manipulated but losing pieces of myself, bit by bit in the process and HARMING my child. It's one thing to be the martyr who would do anything to help a suffering child, but to give up your own life to the DETRIMENT of my child is crazy! Isn't it? Then to continue to do something that's crazy would appear to be maladaptive and a disorder of some kind. That's when I seriously went to work on my own codependency issues and started to examine my need to help, to be appreciated, to control someone else's behavior. It may indeed be an addiction of some kind, as I've noticed that even though the "Bank of Mom and Dad" has been closed for a year now, I still feel very anxious when difficult child starts bemoaning his financial stresses. Kind of like I guess a drug addict feels when in the presence of the drug. The nervousness of whether one will be able to abstain. I WANT it so much....I WANT to help. I have the money and I keep thinking that if only I took this stress away, he could get on his feet. If I took this stress away, it would help him recover from his depression faster. It's so hard to watch your child suffer and not help. But it's like an addicts brain lies to the addicted person saying "This will help....this will take away the pain...this will make it go away...this will make you happy." The codependent parent of an adult child has the same "brain lie" problem. It's a lie because the benefit is temporary, but then the pain/problem is worse. Excellent comparison, MidwestMom, and one I can easily relate to. I'm working on it. It won't help my child if we BOTH die. [/QUOTE]
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Rock bottom for parents of difficult children? Do we need to hit it?
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