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Substance Abuse
Sad but God's plan
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 752874" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi trying. From all I have read about your son he has a good job and is a good earner. He is an independent adult. He can pay his airfare, and all of the other expenses he wants you to absorb.</p><p></p><p>I am in a similar situation. My son wants to be dependent and is indifferent to how this affects me. At the same time, like with your son, he wants complete autonomy, privacy and independence of movement.</p><p></p><p>This puts the decisions and responsibility in us. Do we enable able-bodied men, who want to expose us to their problems but who do not give us caring or voice, even with respect to the way that their lifestyles impact us? Or do we establish thoughtful and appropriate boundaries, to protect ourselves, our interests and ultimately, them?</p><p></p><p>We are between rocks and hard places because if we enable them, ultimately we help them hurt themselves and their lives. If we set appropriate boundaries, we are left holding the bag. It becomes our fault (either they say it or we feel it, or both) that they may meet some harm or miss some opportunity. </p><p></p><p>In either case they say, and we may feel that we may not be doing enough to help them change and get better.</p><p></p><p>I identify totally with how you feel. I have been here for years, vacillating between one of these poles and the other, as do most of the parents here.</p><p></p><p>I have come to believe that this is cyclical. We have better days and worse days. We keep trying to make decisions that hit the mark.</p><p></p><p>I try and try and I miss. Not so much because I am the failure, I have come to see, but because I have no control at all. Still, like you, I try to do the right thing.</p><p> trying. You know that people put on facebook an ideal. These pictures are not the full story. I have done the same thing. Comparing myself to others, and feeling afflicted, lacking, and less than. What a mistake.</p><p></p><p>Each of us has a unique life story, like you say. We cannot judge ourselves nor permit that judgements of others about us, based upon our sons' distress, determine our sense of ourselves and our lives. I am trying very hard to not fall into this pit. I hope you stop this self-punishment.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 752874, member: 18958"] Hi trying. From all I have read about your son he has a good job and is a good earner. He is an independent adult. He can pay his airfare, and all of the other expenses he wants you to absorb. I am in a similar situation. My son wants to be dependent and is indifferent to how this affects me. At the same time, like with your son, he wants complete autonomy, privacy and independence of movement. This puts the decisions and responsibility in us. Do we enable able-bodied men, who want to expose us to their problems but who do not give us caring or voice, even with respect to the way that their lifestyles impact us? Or do we establish thoughtful and appropriate boundaries, to protect ourselves, our interests and ultimately, them? We are between rocks and hard places because if we enable them, ultimately we help them hurt themselves and their lives. If we set appropriate boundaries, we are left holding the bag. It becomes our fault (either they say it or we feel it, or both) that they may meet some harm or miss some opportunity. In either case they say, and we may feel that we may not be doing enough to help them change and get better. I identify totally with how you feel. I have been here for years, vacillating between one of these poles and the other, as do most of the parents here. I have come to believe that this is cyclical. We have better days and worse days. We keep trying to make decisions that hit the mark. I try and try and I miss. Not so much because I am the failure, I have come to see, but because I have no control at all. Still, like you, I try to do the right thing. trying. You know that people put on facebook an ideal. These pictures are not the full story. I have done the same thing. Comparing myself to others, and feeling afflicted, lacking, and less than. What a mistake. Each of us has a unique life story, like you say. We cannot judge ourselves nor permit that judgements of others about us, based upon our sons' distress, determine our sense of ourselves and our lives. I am trying very hard to not fall into this pit. I hope you stop this self-punishment. [/QUOTE]
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