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Sage of the Prodigal Son (Need advice)
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 742590" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Laura. Actually, I think it is going well! Considering. I agree with everybody else, but wanted to add a bit from my slant.</p><p></p><p>The gogograndparent sounds fantastic. M and I are tech challenged. It took us one year to learn how to use UBER and to have them arrive at where we were instead of returning to where we had been last time (the month before). Oh gee.</p><p></p><p>My point is this: there is a way to fund his account without the use of a credit card. You buy a credit online. And that credit stays on his phone for him to use as he wishes. If he has money or when he begins work there is no reason for him not to arrange and to pay for his own ubers. You have the option now to NOT arrange and pay for his uber. To suggest and to insist he do this for himself. He is old enough. This is a boundary that you can draw. As long as you do not, you are the one responsible for this dance. You keep saying yes.</p><p>This kind of thing drives me crazy. But everybody here tells me to pick my battles, telling me I have no control over my son's manners or his reciprocity. I think the more we insist upon this, thank you and the like, the more we give them ways to control us, by resisting by doing it more. We hand them power.</p><p></p><p>The only way to deal with this is to choose to limit the ways that we extend ourselves, and allow them in.</p><p></p><p>When I am getting resentful it is because I have not drawn and held boundaries that worked for me. That is my job. What about looking at these past few posts and identified ways that you feel put upon? And thinking about (and asking us, if that works for you) ways that you can make limits, to protect your space and yourself? I am wondering if it would be helpful to pull back a bit so that your son will have to step up more. In my view he may be asking for too much, and you may have been going along with the program. The responsibility is HIS to make this work. NOT yours.</p><p></p><p>I think given how bad these visits and readjustments can be for us, yours is going well. Good for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 742590, member: 18958"] Dear Laura. Actually, I think it is going well! Considering. I agree with everybody else, but wanted to add a bit from my slant. The gogograndparent sounds fantastic. M and I are tech challenged. It took us one year to learn how to use UBER and to have them arrive at where we were instead of returning to where we had been last time (the month before). Oh gee. My point is this: there is a way to fund his account without the use of a credit card. You buy a credit online. And that credit stays on his phone for him to use as he wishes. If he has money or when he begins work there is no reason for him not to arrange and to pay for his own ubers. You have the option now to NOT arrange and pay for his uber. To suggest and to insist he do this for himself. He is old enough. This is a boundary that you can draw. As long as you do not, you are the one responsible for this dance. You keep saying yes. This kind of thing drives me crazy. But everybody here tells me to pick my battles, telling me I have no control over my son's manners or his reciprocity. I think the more we insist upon this, thank you and the like, the more we give them ways to control us, by resisting by doing it more. We hand them power. The only way to deal with this is to choose to limit the ways that we extend ourselves, and allow them in. When I am getting resentful it is because I have not drawn and held boundaries that worked for me. That is my job. What about looking at these past few posts and identified ways that you feel put upon? And thinking about (and asking us, if that works for you) ways that you can make limits, to protect your space and yourself? I am wondering if it would be helpful to pull back a bit so that your son will have to step up more. In my view he may be asking for too much, and you may have been going along with the program. The responsibility is HIS to make this work. NOT yours. I think given how bad these visits and readjustments can be for us, yours is going well. Good for you. [/QUOTE]
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