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General Parenting
Saying "potty" "pee" etc even the word bathroom leads to tantrums? Why??
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 615868" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Control seems to be the main issue behind the problems. (Isn't it behind most of the problems in the world? Kids NEED to know they are not the one in control of their world. They NEED this. Imagine being a small child and being the person in control of the entire house. That would be incredibly scary. You could not trust ANYONE to keep you safe if the house caught on fire, someone tried to hurt you, or anything else. Sure kids push for control, that is normal and natural. Of course difficult children push harder and faster and more and want to control even more than a easy child child would. But they NEED the security of knowing that the bigger, smarter, more educated person in the home can be trusted to handle things. I know that may seem counterintuitive based on what the child pushes for. Those limits give a child the FREEDOM to explore the world while safe in the knowledge that they won't be allowed to do anything that could truly harm them. The child does need control of small things, but not the big ones.</p><p></p><p>Years ago a study was done to see what effect fences had on playgrounds. It was really an experiment to see how kids responded to the presence or absence of limits. the fence was a limit and the playground stood for their world. A playground near a semi-busy road was chosen. The children were first observed playing and they used every single foot of that playground. The ran freely, played right up at the fence near the road and never once seemed to give the cars an instant of thought. Then the fence was removed for a period of weeks. The children stopped playing at the edges of the playground. They became less active and they showed more nervous behaviors on the playground AND in other areas of their lives. The children would only play in the very center of the playground regardless of what toys, equipment or other enticements were at the edge of the playground. Then the fence was put back. The kids went back to using the entire playground and after a period of time the nervous behaviors subsided. </p><p></p><p>I think this can be applied to our kids in MANY ways. Of course kids need control over some of their world, esp things that impact only them really. As long as it is weather appropriate, wearing clothing that is not matched or coordinated isn't something to fight over. If it really bugs a parent to see their child in odd outfits, a button saying "I dressed myself" can alleviate some of the embarrassment a parent might feel. It gives the child even more control and from what I have seen, many kids feel a greater sense of control if they do have a button like that as they are often proud of their outfits even if we hate them. Giving a child control over things like this is a good thing as it allows them to learn how to make choices and decisions in a safe manner without being responsible for the entire family/home/world</p><p></p><p>Allowing a 7yo to refuse medications and dictate what the parents/adults can say? Not good for anyone in that situation. The child cannot help but wonder who is in charge and feeling very insecure and unsafe. Not that the child would give in to the parents easily, especially after having this control. Knowing the parent is willing to fight to make the child take medications or be appropriate with adults? This gives the child the sense of security that is so vital. The kid knows that Mom or Dad will not allow them to do something dangerous and will not allow anyone else to put them in danger either. That security is crucial to healthy development. </p><p></p><p>I think that in some ways our difficult children need the limits even more than pcs do. On some level they are aware that they do risky things, and being allowed to control the adults who are bigger and stronger and supposedly smarter leaves them pretty sure that the adult will allow them to do things that will result in serious harm. </p><p></p><p>In your situation I would probably sit difficult child down for a talk. I would apologize for allowing him to control decisions that he is not yet equipped to make. Explaining that I did not realize that his demands for control were expressions of his need for me to step up and take control so that he would feel safe, I would tell him that I was making some changes to our family life. From this point forward, he would take his medications when given them, that they were no longer optional for him, but I will ALWAYS listen to his thoughts, feelings and opinions regarding his medication, but the final decision was for his doctor and I to make together and I will do everything I can to ensure that he takes his medications as prescribed. </p><p></p><p>I would let him know what I will do when/if he refuses. Personally I would tell him flat out that I would pill him like I pill the cat/dog/whatever pet (or like the vet pills the animal if you don't have a pet) if he refuses. If that is not your style or something you are capable of right now, you could say that everything he wants/enjoys/expects will stop until he takes his medications and he won't be allowed to go anywhere even out of the room until he takes it. Of COURSE he will refuse for a while, possibly quite a long while. You MUST follow through with whatever you say you will do from that point forward. It will be AWFUL for a while as he tests your resolve. By persevering you give the message that you will do whatever is in his best interests even if he hates it. Flat out tell him that you love him so much that you are willing to make him furious and to make him do something he refuses to do if it is important for his health and safety. Over time the message will sink in.</p><p></p><p>For the tantrums over things you say, first explain that you were wrong to allow him to do this and that from now on he is not allowed to tell adults what they can and cannot say. Tell him that it is not appropriate and you love him enough to teach him good manners. You end up saying that a lot as he struggles and rages, but it is important. Personally I used to count and on 3 they got a proper time out. By proper I mean the sort of time out that Janet described and/or that you can see on episodes of SuperNanny or Nanny 911 or read about in books on parenting. </p><p></p><p>The first time outs will seem impossible and like they will NEVER end or achieve anything. Over a period of time where you persist in not allowing him to control what adults say, you will have fewer and fewer problems with time out. It will take longer for him to learn this lesson and while he is learning it you both may be miserable much of the time. Persevere and it will be very helpful for the entire family. </p><p></p><p>If you don't take steps now to set and enforce boundaries about this sortof behavior, it will help your child out in the long run. You may want to read "Parenting Your Child With Love and Logic" for help, ideas and techniques to teach you new ways to handle your difficult child's issues. One vital part of setting limits is to do it with love. Losing your temper and screaming will only reinforce the idea that tantrums get you what you want. Staying calm in the face of Hurricane difficult child Rage is very difficult, but it is doable. I used to have enormous problems with my temper, and a book called, "She's Gonna Blow: Real Help for Moms Dealing With Anger" by Julie Ann Barnhill was a HUGE help to me. It helped me identify the feelings that signaled that I was getting angry and to learn to calm myself when I felt those things. It was instrumental in getting a grip on my anger problems. It does have a strong Christian angle, but those parts can be overlooked if they don't fit your religious beliefs. At least I was able to do that.</p><p></p><p>I hope this helps.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 615868, member: 1233"] Control seems to be the main issue behind the problems. (Isn't it behind most of the problems in the world? Kids NEED to know they are not the one in control of their world. They NEED this. Imagine being a small child and being the person in control of the entire house. That would be incredibly scary. You could not trust ANYONE to keep you safe if the house caught on fire, someone tried to hurt you, or anything else. Sure kids push for control, that is normal and natural. Of course difficult children push harder and faster and more and want to control even more than a easy child child would. But they NEED the security of knowing that the bigger, smarter, more educated person in the home can be trusted to handle things. I know that may seem counterintuitive based on what the child pushes for. Those limits give a child the FREEDOM to explore the world while safe in the knowledge that they won't be allowed to do anything that could truly harm them. The child does need control of small things, but not the big ones. Years ago a study was done to see what effect fences had on playgrounds. It was really an experiment to see how kids responded to the presence or absence of limits. the fence was a limit and the playground stood for their world. A playground near a semi-busy road was chosen. The children were first observed playing and they used every single foot of that playground. The ran freely, played right up at the fence near the road and never once seemed to give the cars an instant of thought. Then the fence was removed for a period of weeks. The children stopped playing at the edges of the playground. They became less active and they showed more nervous behaviors on the playground AND in other areas of their lives. The children would only play in the very center of the playground regardless of what toys, equipment or other enticements were at the edge of the playground. Then the fence was put back. The kids went back to using the entire playground and after a period of time the nervous behaviors subsided. I think this can be applied to our kids in MANY ways. Of course kids need control over some of their world, esp things that impact only them really. As long as it is weather appropriate, wearing clothing that is not matched or coordinated isn't something to fight over. If it really bugs a parent to see their child in odd outfits, a button saying "I dressed myself" can alleviate some of the embarrassment a parent might feel. It gives the child even more control and from what I have seen, many kids feel a greater sense of control if they do have a button like that as they are often proud of their outfits even if we hate them. Giving a child control over things like this is a good thing as it allows them to learn how to make choices and decisions in a safe manner without being responsible for the entire family/home/world Allowing a 7yo to refuse medications and dictate what the parents/adults can say? Not good for anyone in that situation. The child cannot help but wonder who is in charge and feeling very insecure and unsafe. Not that the child would give in to the parents easily, especially after having this control. Knowing the parent is willing to fight to make the child take medications or be appropriate with adults? This gives the child the sense of security that is so vital. The kid knows that Mom or Dad will not allow them to do something dangerous and will not allow anyone else to put them in danger either. That security is crucial to healthy development. I think that in some ways our difficult children need the limits even more than pcs do. On some level they are aware that they do risky things, and being allowed to control the adults who are bigger and stronger and supposedly smarter leaves them pretty sure that the adult will allow them to do things that will result in serious harm. In your situation I would probably sit difficult child down for a talk. I would apologize for allowing him to control decisions that he is not yet equipped to make. Explaining that I did not realize that his demands for control were expressions of his need for me to step up and take control so that he would feel safe, I would tell him that I was making some changes to our family life. From this point forward, he would take his medications when given them, that they were no longer optional for him, but I will ALWAYS listen to his thoughts, feelings and opinions regarding his medication, but the final decision was for his doctor and I to make together and I will do everything I can to ensure that he takes his medications as prescribed. I would let him know what I will do when/if he refuses. Personally I would tell him flat out that I would pill him like I pill the cat/dog/whatever pet (or like the vet pills the animal if you don't have a pet) if he refuses. If that is not your style or something you are capable of right now, you could say that everything he wants/enjoys/expects will stop until he takes his medications and he won't be allowed to go anywhere even out of the room until he takes it. Of COURSE he will refuse for a while, possibly quite a long while. You MUST follow through with whatever you say you will do from that point forward. It will be AWFUL for a while as he tests your resolve. By persevering you give the message that you will do whatever is in his best interests even if he hates it. Flat out tell him that you love him so much that you are willing to make him furious and to make him do something he refuses to do if it is important for his health and safety. Over time the message will sink in. For the tantrums over things you say, first explain that you were wrong to allow him to do this and that from now on he is not allowed to tell adults what they can and cannot say. Tell him that it is not appropriate and you love him enough to teach him good manners. You end up saying that a lot as he struggles and rages, but it is important. Personally I used to count and on 3 they got a proper time out. By proper I mean the sort of time out that Janet described and/or that you can see on episodes of SuperNanny or Nanny 911 or read about in books on parenting. The first time outs will seem impossible and like they will NEVER end or achieve anything. Over a period of time where you persist in not allowing him to control what adults say, you will have fewer and fewer problems with time out. It will take longer for him to learn this lesson and while he is learning it you both may be miserable much of the time. Persevere and it will be very helpful for the entire family. If you don't take steps now to set and enforce boundaries about this sortof behavior, it will help your child out in the long run. You may want to read "Parenting Your Child With Love and Logic" for help, ideas and techniques to teach you new ways to handle your difficult child's issues. One vital part of setting limits is to do it with love. Losing your temper and screaming will only reinforce the idea that tantrums get you what you want. Staying calm in the face of Hurricane difficult child Rage is very difficult, but it is doable. I used to have enormous problems with my temper, and a book called, "She's Gonna Blow: Real Help for Moms Dealing With Anger" by Julie Ann Barnhill was a HUGE help to me. It helped me identify the feelings that signaled that I was getting angry and to learn to calm myself when I felt those things. It was instrumental in getting a grip on my anger problems. It does have a strong Christian angle, but those parts can be overlooked if they don't fit your religious beliefs. At least I was able to do that. I hope this helps. [/QUOTE]
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Saying "potty" "pee" etc even the word bathroom leads to tantrums? Why??
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