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Scared to discipline after suicide attempt
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<blockquote data-quote="BloodiedButUnbowed" data-source="post: 735999" data-attributes="member: 13303"><p>Hi there,</p><p></p><p>I am sorry for your pain. Last year and also at age 15 my stepson came within a hair's breath of completing suicide. He was hospitalized until the winter holidays. He has a lot more support in school as a result of this nightmare and it has helped him somewhat. In other areas he has made little to no progress. We have a terrible relationship with him. He is refusing all contact with us - we are not the residential parents. We do not see our situation changing in the near future as we are the scapegoats for his issues and his other parent allows this.</p><p></p><p>I wanted to say Skylar, that it sounds as though your daughter is running the show at your home and not the other way around, the way it should be.</p><p></p><p>There is no way that a 15 year old child should be allowed to dictate what they are going to do and when they are going to do it, and expect their parent to simply fall in line. I know you are concerned and worried and terrified that she will attempt again. Know that since his recovery my stepson now uses threats of suicide to get his way. He has admitted this to his therapists. I don't know if your daughter is as manipulative as my stepson, but the picture you paint is of a household where the roles are reversed and the parent lives in fear of the child. I would not doubt that your daughter has (correctly) figured out that you fear another attempt more than anything else, and that she is willing to exploit that to get what she wants.</p><p></p><p>I gently and humbly suggest that it is time to take the focus off your daughter and place it on yourself. You are the only person you can control. And as the adult you have the right to set house rules.</p><p></p><p>Do you have support for yourself? A therapist or a self help group such as Al-Anon? Even if substance abuse is not in the picture, Al Anon helps us learn how to live our own lives and take power back from our troubled children, parents, partners - whoever the person in our lives may be.</p><p></p><p>If your daughter refuses to comply with your expectation that she follow a traditional schedule then as harsh as this sounds, perhaps a boarding school, residential treatment center or some other highly structured environment is the right place for her. If she is so sick that she cannot function in society then it seems cruel to allow her to sit and rot in the family home while continuing to do as she pleases. This will not prepare her for a productive adulthood. It seems to me she needs to learn the basic skills she lacks so that she can one day function.</p><p></p><p>If our troubled children are going to attempt again there is nothing but nothing we can do to stop it. Setting limits and enforcing consequences will trigger tantrums, emotionally our kids are more like toddlers than teenagers and they will react in similar ways to much younger children. We have to be able to stay strong, and not give in to them. If we cannot then we become their enablers and we are at their mercy.</p><p></p><p>If you do not trust your daughter to maintain her personal safety then it seems to me she needs to be living somewhere with 24/7 supervision. You cannot exist that way, it is too stressful. You can call the police if she threatens. She will be taken to a hospital for evaluation.</p><p></p><p>Finally I do hope you insist on monitoring her online interactions with these "friends". She may be engaging in inappropriate conversation or worse. Many child predators pose as teens online. Your daughter sounds vulnerable to this kind of situation. I would be very suspicious if I were you.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry if any of this sounds harsh. It doesn't seem like this situation can continue as it is. Either you will crack up or your daughter will end up in terrible trouble.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BloodiedButUnbowed, post: 735999, member: 13303"] Hi there, I am sorry for your pain. Last year and also at age 15 my stepson came within a hair's breath of completing suicide. He was hospitalized until the winter holidays. He has a lot more support in school as a result of this nightmare and it has helped him somewhat. In other areas he has made little to no progress. We have a terrible relationship with him. He is refusing all contact with us - we are not the residential parents. We do not see our situation changing in the near future as we are the scapegoats for his issues and his other parent allows this. I wanted to say Skylar, that it sounds as though your daughter is running the show at your home and not the other way around, the way it should be. There is no way that a 15 year old child should be allowed to dictate what they are going to do and when they are going to do it, and expect their parent to simply fall in line. I know you are concerned and worried and terrified that she will attempt again. Know that since his recovery my stepson now uses threats of suicide to get his way. He has admitted this to his therapists. I don't know if your daughter is as manipulative as my stepson, but the picture you paint is of a household where the roles are reversed and the parent lives in fear of the child. I would not doubt that your daughter has (correctly) figured out that you fear another attempt more than anything else, and that she is willing to exploit that to get what she wants. I gently and humbly suggest that it is time to take the focus off your daughter and place it on yourself. You are the only person you can control. And as the adult you have the right to set house rules. Do you have support for yourself? A therapist or a self help group such as Al-Anon? Even if substance abuse is not in the picture, Al Anon helps us learn how to live our own lives and take power back from our troubled children, parents, partners - whoever the person in our lives may be. If your daughter refuses to comply with your expectation that she follow a traditional schedule then as harsh as this sounds, perhaps a boarding school, residential treatment center or some other highly structured environment is the right place for her. If she is so sick that she cannot function in society then it seems cruel to allow her to sit and rot in the family home while continuing to do as she pleases. This will not prepare her for a productive adulthood. It seems to me she needs to learn the basic skills she lacks so that she can one day function. If our troubled children are going to attempt again there is nothing but nothing we can do to stop it. Setting limits and enforcing consequences will trigger tantrums, emotionally our kids are more like toddlers than teenagers and they will react in similar ways to much younger children. We have to be able to stay strong, and not give in to them. If we cannot then we become their enablers and we are at their mercy. If you do not trust your daughter to maintain her personal safety then it seems to me she needs to be living somewhere with 24/7 supervision. You cannot exist that way, it is too stressful. You can call the police if she threatens. She will be taken to a hospital for evaluation. Finally I do hope you insist on monitoring her online interactions with these "friends". She may be engaging in inappropriate conversation or worse. Many child predators pose as teens online. Your daughter sounds vulnerable to this kind of situation. I would be very suspicious if I were you. I am sorry if any of this sounds harsh. It doesn't seem like this situation can continue as it is. Either you will crack up or your daughter will end up in terrible trouble. [/QUOTE]
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