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Seeking advice/agreement about 9 yo step-daughter
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<blockquote data-quote="CRob" data-source="post: 461586" data-attributes="member: 12835"><p>TeDo, thanks for the reply. I was reading through various threads here and was working on giving some example scenarios (which have recently happened) to demonstrate the various issues we are experiencing. But before I do that, on to your questions:</p><p></p><p><strong>Do you notice any patterns in what happens RIGHT BEFORE the behavior? </strong></p><p>There really is not a pattern, or indication that an outburst is about to occur. The outbursts-temper tantrums-normally occur when she is told to do something (from picking up her room, doing her homework, brushing her hair, etc) if she does not want to. It all boils down to one simple thing, she doesn't feel responsible for anything and doesn't want to be held accountable for her actions. When told to do something she doesn't want to do, she blows up and results to name calling. </p><p></p><p><strong> How does she do with changes in routine or last minute changes in plans?</strong></p><p> It really all depends on what we were planning on doing, or what the changes result in. If we are going somewhere for her (a birthday gift pick-up, a park, etc) and something comes up, she feels as though we are being "mean" to her and begins to become aggressive (both verbally and physically). </p><p></p><p>Now, if we are out doing errands, or something that is not "benefiting" her, then changes in routine, or schedule doesn't really matter. </p><p></p><p><strong>Is she in school? Does she have any difficulties there? </strong></p><p>She is in school, third grade. She has the capacity and intelligence to get straight A's. She is super bright (when she wants to be). Reads at a 5th grade level, and is just extremely smart. Now the negative, it all boils down to when she wants to. We just had a parent teacher conference and the only thing that the teacher brought up was her not applying herself to her studies. She knows the math, but since it is challenging, she just doodles in class. Sometimes she'll "mozy" around and take her time to get a task accomplished, the teacher mentioned that sometimes she just does things at her own pace. But compared to other children her own age, at school, aside from math, she is not much different than her peers. </p><p></p><p></p><p><strong>Does the word "no" in itself trigger behaviors? </strong></p><p>This is exactly it. You cannot tell her no. I firmly believe that because of the divorce at her young age, we use to give in to her tantrums just to appease her because we understood that the divorce hurt her, she was too young to understand what was going on. But, it has now come to the level of being self-centered. Everything revolves around her! If her brother's teacher gives him a candy for being good in school, she feels as though WE should get HER something. When she is told, for whatever reason, her immediate response is "you're stupid" among other expletives that she has learned in school. When told she is being punished for something it is we're being mean to her. I tell her to go to her room, as a time out, and now I'm hurting her. Asked how I'm hurting her, she is saying it is because I'm punishing her. She'll jump on the ground and beg and plead "just one more chance, I'm sorry..." Which, when greeted with a no, and an instruction that the punishment doesn't begin until she stops acting like that, it instantly becomes WAR. </p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>Did she meet all her developmental milestones ON TIME? </strong></p><p>Yes. </p><p></p><p><strong>Does anyone on either side of her family tree have diagnosed or suspected but undiagnosed mental health issues?</strong></p><p>Her mother suffers from depression and PTSD from a major car accident just before our daughter was born. While I think we've worked on it together, and gotten her some improvement, there are still signs. I know that on her mother's side of the family there is some dementia and alzheimers, but nothing else mentally. Father's side of the family, well...I can not objectively make some assumptions, I truly think that you have to have MAJOR mental issues to turn your back on your children. Even though what we are dealing with with our daughter, and her not even being my biological daughter - which has resulted in a major division between my wife and I - I could not even begin to think about leaving muchless not ever seeing them again. </p><p></p><p>The grandmother is a major issue. Because we have been working on sticking to discipline, setting clear and understandable expectations, the argumentative initially was getting better, until she realized grandma wouldn't even listen to the "actual" account of the incident and immediately explodes on us for "mistreating" her. For example, last night our daughter would not come inside from playing after being repeatedly told to come inside for dinner. An explosive episode ensued and as a result of her defiant behavior and abusive languages, she lost her television for the night. When grandma called and she spoke with our daughter, a huge argument ensued and the defiant behavior just exploded. Nothing we told tell her to do. She just had such a vindictive look in her eyes, as though she knew she held the trump card. The grandmother informed us that "bad things happen to people who do what we did" and that taking the television away was quite extreme. </p><p></p><p>I come from a family where my father left when I was 5, I still remember him leaving and the hurt my mother went through. Although they got back together a couple years later, our relationship was forever ruined. I have not spoken to my parents in over a year. I understand she is hurting, I understand that children have a difficult time with understanding their emotions, and I (as well as my wife) understand that some of our missteps have only enhanced the defiance. Yes I have looked into the DSM but I am the type of person who will not stop researching something until I find out all about it. I am about to leave and pick up <u>The Explosive Child</u> as our local Books-A-Million has it on hold for me. We are just looking for agreement from others prior to undertaking a course of action especially when the grandmother has informed us that we are completely off base and that all we want to do is "dope" the child up. We DON'T is the thing. I rarely, if ever, take any sort of medicine, for any reason. That is just how I was raised. We truly believe that we need to develop an action plan in order to combat the issues at hand and we feel that it may have worsened to a degree that requires additional outside help.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="CRob, post: 461586, member: 12835"] TeDo, thanks for the reply. I was reading through various threads here and was working on giving some example scenarios (which have recently happened) to demonstrate the various issues we are experiencing. But before I do that, on to your questions: [B]Do you notice any patterns in what happens RIGHT BEFORE the behavior? [/B] There really is not a pattern, or indication that an outburst is about to occur. The outbursts-temper tantrums-normally occur when she is told to do something (from picking up her room, doing her homework, brushing her hair, etc) if she does not want to. It all boils down to one simple thing, she doesn't feel responsible for anything and doesn't want to be held accountable for her actions. When told to do something she doesn't want to do, she blows up and results to name calling. [B] How does she do with changes in routine or last minute changes in plans?[/B] It really all depends on what we were planning on doing, or what the changes result in. If we are going somewhere for her (a birthday gift pick-up, a park, etc) and something comes up, she feels as though we are being "mean" to her and begins to become aggressive (both verbally and physically). Now, if we are out doing errands, or something that is not "benefiting" her, then changes in routine, or schedule doesn't really matter. [B]Is she in school? Does she have any difficulties there? [/B] She is in school, third grade. She has the capacity and intelligence to get straight A's. She is super bright (when she wants to be). Reads at a 5th grade level, and is just extremely smart. Now the negative, it all boils down to when she wants to. We just had a parent teacher conference and the only thing that the teacher brought up was her not applying herself to her studies. She knows the math, but since it is challenging, she just doodles in class. Sometimes she'll "mozy" around and take her time to get a task accomplished, the teacher mentioned that sometimes she just does things at her own pace. But compared to other children her own age, at school, aside from math, she is not much different than her peers. [B]Does the word "no" in itself trigger behaviors? [/B] This is exactly it. You cannot tell her no. I firmly believe that because of the divorce at her young age, we use to give in to her tantrums just to appease her because we understood that the divorce hurt her, she was too young to understand what was going on. But, it has now come to the level of being self-centered. Everything revolves around her! If her brother's teacher gives him a candy for being good in school, she feels as though WE should get HER something. When she is told, for whatever reason, her immediate response is "you're stupid" among other expletives that she has learned in school. When told she is being punished for something it is we're being mean to her. I tell her to go to her room, as a time out, and now I'm hurting her. Asked how I'm hurting her, she is saying it is because I'm punishing her. She'll jump on the ground and beg and plead "just one more chance, I'm sorry..." Which, when greeted with a no, and an instruction that the punishment doesn't begin until she stops acting like that, it instantly becomes WAR. [B] Did she meet all her developmental milestones ON TIME? [/B] Yes. [B]Does anyone on either side of her family tree have diagnosed or suspected but undiagnosed mental health issues?[/B] Her mother suffers from depression and PTSD from a major car accident just before our daughter was born. While I think we've worked on it together, and gotten her some improvement, there are still signs. I know that on her mother's side of the family there is some dementia and alzheimers, but nothing else mentally. Father's side of the family, well...I can not objectively make some assumptions, I truly think that you have to have MAJOR mental issues to turn your back on your children. Even though what we are dealing with with our daughter, and her not even being my biological daughter - which has resulted in a major division between my wife and I - I could not even begin to think about leaving muchless not ever seeing them again. The grandmother is a major issue. Because we have been working on sticking to discipline, setting clear and understandable expectations, the argumentative initially was getting better, until she realized grandma wouldn't even listen to the "actual" account of the incident and immediately explodes on us for "mistreating" her. For example, last night our daughter would not come inside from playing after being repeatedly told to come inside for dinner. An explosive episode ensued and as a result of her defiant behavior and abusive languages, she lost her television for the night. When grandma called and she spoke with our daughter, a huge argument ensued and the defiant behavior just exploded. Nothing we told tell her to do. She just had such a vindictive look in her eyes, as though she knew she held the trump card. The grandmother informed us that "bad things happen to people who do what we did" and that taking the television away was quite extreme. I come from a family where my father left when I was 5, I still remember him leaving and the hurt my mother went through. Although they got back together a couple years later, our relationship was forever ruined. I have not spoken to my parents in over a year. I understand she is hurting, I understand that children have a difficult time with understanding their emotions, and I (as well as my wife) understand that some of our missteps have only enhanced the defiance. Yes I have looked into the DSM but I am the type of person who will not stop researching something until I find out all about it. I am about to leave and pick up [U]The Explosive Child[/U] as our local Books-A-Million has it on hold for me. We are just looking for agreement from others prior to undertaking a course of action especially when the grandmother has informed us that we are completely off base and that all we want to do is "dope" the child up. We DON'T is the thing. I rarely, if ever, take any sort of medicine, for any reason. That is just how I was raised. We truly believe that we need to develop an action plan in order to combat the issues at hand and we feel that it may have worsened to a degree that requires additional outside help. [/QUOTE]
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