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Seeking help with addicted daughter
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 742572" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Tired, I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I am fortunate that neither of my two wayward ones have any children, so I don't have specific advice for you on how to deal with that. I think for me I would feel the need to stay at least somewhat involved, if possible, so I could monitor what is happening with the child and step in if I felt I needed to. Or call CPS if warranted - I would not hesitate to do this if you feel like the babies are at risk. It seems likely with her history that she may at some point lose custody of her children. Maintaining some form of relationship with Olivia and your future grand now might help keep you in the loop when and if that happens. It might help you to spend some time getting very clear about what you are and aren't willing to do. If it comes to it, are you willing to take your grandchildren in? How much drama are you willing to endure for the sake of maintaining a connection with them now?</p><p></p><p>If it helps, there ARE ways to stay connected to our difficult kids while minimizing the impact of drama on our lives. It takes very strong boundaries, both the kind you impose on them (I'm not giving you money, I'm hanging up if you talk to me that way) and the kind you maintain within yourself (learning to "change the channel" when worries and bad thoughts try to consume you, focusing on self care and other things that bring you joy when you are not directly interacting with your child). I will not say I have fully mastered these! But I have come to a place with mine where I can maintain connections - somewhat from a distance - without letting them destroy me. I've held my boundaries long enough that they don't test them much anymore (this takes time, early boundary setting can be hell). They know I'm not a regular money source. they know I won't bail them out from legal problems. They know I'm not going to accept them talking to me disrespectfully. They know the most they will get from me if they come to me with self-created drama is "oh, that's too bad - sorry to hear that." They know I will not attempt to solve their problems. </p><p></p><p>For the most part this approach has worked for me. I've gotten really good at bland sympathy and deflection. I refuse to allow them to make THEIR problems MY problems. (Most of the time - I won't claim that I never get sucked in, but I try.) And I refuse to take anything they do or say personally. I try to be like Teflon and just let their drama and BS slide off of me. Again, it's not perfect - I'M not perfect - but it enables me to sleep at night most of the time. And it's improved my relationships with them immensely. I've taken a lot of my approach from Zen, I guess. </p><p></p><p>I don't know if this approach might work for you to allow you to have some connection with your daughter and most importantly with your granddaughter and the baby to come. Your daughter is different from my kids and may respond to your boundary setting differently. Your history and circumstances are different. So if you determine that in your case you have to maintain no contact to protect yourself from drama, I understand. All of us here have had to come to our own balance that we can live with. You deserve peace and safety. Hugs to you and sweet Olivia.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 742572, member: 23349"] Tired, I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I am fortunate that neither of my two wayward ones have any children, so I don't have specific advice for you on how to deal with that. I think for me I would feel the need to stay at least somewhat involved, if possible, so I could monitor what is happening with the child and step in if I felt I needed to. Or call CPS if warranted - I would not hesitate to do this if you feel like the babies are at risk. It seems likely with her history that she may at some point lose custody of her children. Maintaining some form of relationship with Olivia and your future grand now might help keep you in the loop when and if that happens. It might help you to spend some time getting very clear about what you are and aren't willing to do. If it comes to it, are you willing to take your grandchildren in? How much drama are you willing to endure for the sake of maintaining a connection with them now? If it helps, there ARE ways to stay connected to our difficult kids while minimizing the impact of drama on our lives. It takes very strong boundaries, both the kind you impose on them (I'm not giving you money, I'm hanging up if you talk to me that way) and the kind you maintain within yourself (learning to "change the channel" when worries and bad thoughts try to consume you, focusing on self care and other things that bring you joy when you are not directly interacting with your child). I will not say I have fully mastered these! But I have come to a place with mine where I can maintain connections - somewhat from a distance - without letting them destroy me. I've held my boundaries long enough that they don't test them much anymore (this takes time, early boundary setting can be hell). They know I'm not a regular money source. they know I won't bail them out from legal problems. They know I'm not going to accept them talking to me disrespectfully. They know the most they will get from me if they come to me with self-created drama is "oh, that's too bad - sorry to hear that." They know I will not attempt to solve their problems. For the most part this approach has worked for me. I've gotten really good at bland sympathy and deflection. I refuse to allow them to make THEIR problems MY problems. (Most of the time - I won't claim that I never get sucked in, but I try.) And I refuse to take anything they do or say personally. I try to be like Teflon and just let their drama and BS slide off of me. Again, it's not perfect - I'M not perfect - but it enables me to sleep at night most of the time. And it's improved my relationships with them immensely. I've taken a lot of my approach from Zen, I guess. I don't know if this approach might work for you to allow you to have some connection with your daughter and most importantly with your granddaughter and the baby to come. Your daughter is different from my kids and may respond to your boundary setting differently. Your history and circumstances are different. So if you determine that in your case you have to maintain no contact to protect yourself from drama, I understand. All of us here have had to come to our own balance that we can live with. You deserve peace and safety. Hugs to you and sweet Olivia. [/QUOTE]
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