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Short Visit from difficult child Yesterday
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 646712" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Jabber, thank you for the information on poppers. It was interesting and informative.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This helps me:</p><p></p><p>"Ours is a strong, tight-knit family coming through some very hard times."</p><p></p><p>I've been thinking about this phrase, alot. I think the magic in it is that while it describes the situation (encompassing any variety of however bad it could get), it does it in a way that strengthens and helps us believe that we are, indeed, going to come through it.</p><p></p><p>We can face anything, if we believe there is a way.</p><p></p><p>I think one of the the reasons we get that stomach-dropping feeling is because the shock of what is happening contrasted with what our beliefs about who our families are throws us into a kind of fugue state. </p><p></p><p>Add shame.</p><p></p><p>We cannot put the pieces together. (A mosaic, Albatross. Irregularly sized, broken pieces. Sharp edges. ) </p><p></p><p>We cannot change what is happening and it just keeps getting unbelievably worse. We begin berating and beating ourselves up in secret because we are afraid for our children and don't know how to make them stop.</p><p></p><p>And we are their mothers and we are supposed to <em>know. </em>All of their lives, as we brought our children through earaches and diaper rash and healthy eating and walking and toilet training and sports and piano lessons and vaccinations, we <em>knew. </em>And if we didn't know, we found out. </p><p></p><p>There are no answers for what is happening, now.</p><p></p><p>So, we have to walk a fine line between keeping our eyes and hearts open and beating ourselves up.</p><p></p><p>Add all the people, looking so long for some way to think better of themselves, who suddenly know more than you about your own child.</p><p></p><p>Add the crappiness of knowing you will listen, because you are that desperate.</p><p></p><p>Add the professionals who turn away once the child messes up big time or the funding dries up.</p><p></p><p>I got stuck in "bargaining", and it changed the course of my life. If I sacrificed enough, then surely my children could be saved.</p><p></p><p>And I think those feelings, that impending doom, I-don't-know-what-to-do feeling, is what is really the feeling we are fighting when we spot our kids and they are in trouble and heading for more.</p><p></p><p>We don't know what to do and that scares the pants off us.</p><p></p><p>It isn't that we love them less, though self-sabotage will tell us this is so. It is that we have been beating ourselves up in secret, and we are scared to death. We feel inadequate because we haven't fixed it yet and we are fresh out of miracle cures.</p><p></p><p>There comes a time when we just stop talking, because there is nothing to say.</p><p></p><p>We are empty.</p><p></p><p><em>It is the situation that is impossible. Not you, not your parenting, not even your difficult child.</em></p><p></p><p>"Just the facts, Ma'am.", like Jack Webb used to say on that old detective series, Dragnet.</p><p></p><p>That was the hardest thing, for me. How hard I was on myself.</p><p></p><p>You are a kind, empathic mother, Albatross. You are bright and funny and compassionate. This thing that is happening with your child is not your fault, and is not of your choosing.</p><p></p><p>You will need to learn to cherish yourself through it because otherwise, you will break.</p><p></p><p>Like me.</p><p></p><p>You need an inner Jack Webb, that hard eyed, hard-bitten detective who has seen it all. "Just the facts, Ma'am."</p><p></p><p>HA! WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE THIS ONE, ALBATROSS!!!</p><p></p><p>[MEDIA=youtube]AMIZGrgWOO4[/MEDIA]</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/hugs.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":hugs:" title="hugs :hugs:" data-shortname=":hugs:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 646712, member: 17461"] Jabber, thank you for the information on poppers. It was interesting and informative. This helps me: "Ours is a strong, tight-knit family coming through some very hard times." I've been thinking about this phrase, alot. I think the magic in it is that while it describes the situation (encompassing any variety of however bad it could get), it does it in a way that strengthens and helps us believe that we are, indeed, going to come through it. We can face anything, if we believe there is a way. I think one of the the reasons we get that stomach-dropping feeling is because the shock of what is happening contrasted with what our beliefs about who our families are throws us into a kind of fugue state. Add shame. We cannot put the pieces together. (A mosaic, Albatross. Irregularly sized, broken pieces. Sharp edges. ) We cannot change what is happening and it just keeps getting unbelievably worse. We begin berating and beating ourselves up in secret because we are afraid for our children and don't know how to make them stop. And we are their mothers and we are supposed to [I]know. [/I]All of their lives, as we brought our children through earaches and diaper rash and healthy eating and walking and toilet training and sports and piano lessons and vaccinations, we [I]knew. [/I]And if we didn't know, we found out. There are no answers for what is happening, now. So, we have to walk a fine line between keeping our eyes and hearts open and beating ourselves up. Add all the people, looking so long for some way to think better of themselves, who suddenly know more than you about your own child. Add the crappiness of knowing you will listen, because you are that desperate. Add the professionals who turn away once the child messes up big time or the funding dries up. I got stuck in "bargaining", and it changed the course of my life. If I sacrificed enough, then surely my children could be saved. And I think those feelings, that impending doom, I-don't-know-what-to-do feeling, is what is really the feeling we are fighting when we spot our kids and they are in trouble and heading for more. We don't know what to do and that scares the pants off us. It isn't that we love them less, though self-sabotage will tell us this is so. It is that we have been beating ourselves up in secret, and we are scared to death. We feel inadequate because we haven't fixed it yet and we are fresh out of miracle cures. There comes a time when we just stop talking, because there is nothing to say. We are empty. [I]It is the situation that is impossible. Not you, not your parenting, not even your difficult child.[/I] "Just the facts, Ma'am.", like Jack Webb used to say on that old detective series, Dragnet. That was the hardest thing, for me. How hard I was on myself. You are a kind, empathic mother, Albatross. You are bright and funny and compassionate. This thing that is happening with your child is not your fault, and is not of your choosing. You will need to learn to cherish yourself through it because otherwise, you will break. Like me. You need an inner Jack Webb, that hard eyed, hard-bitten detective who has seen it all. "Just the facts, Ma'am." HA! WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE THIS ONE, ALBATROSS!!! [MEDIA=youtube]AMIZGrgWOO4[/MEDIA] Cedar :hugs: [/QUOTE]
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