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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 421473" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>Hmmm, some blunt words there, Patricia <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> But that's fine and some of what you say is useful. I'm not in denial about what happened, though. I initially said that he went ballistic, hit me, screamed insults and then spat. MWM picked up on the physical violence and I clarified that he had slapped me and given me a little pinch but that he had then exploded with rage. There's no contradiction.</p><p>HOWEVER, I think it is a fair point that I sometimes have unrealistic expectations of a four year old. I am aware of this sometimes, but like most things we are aware of, am not necessarily able to see when I am doing it in the moment. And actually I do know you are quite right about the unacceptability of slapping him hard when faced with his explosion... It is to do with something that goes off in MY brain without my conscious control. So I do need to control it consciously before it gets to that point... I've done lots of work on the relationship abuse, am not sure it is going to help me specifically now. But my reason for posting about it was, I think, that I need to understand and contain the dynamic that potentially exists between us.</p><p>In fact, my losing it on Sunday night was really not so easily shaken off, a small mistake that was quickly forgotten. J has been really, really difficult since then, in a way that he has not been for SUCH a long time. I know it is related. </p><p>As for all the set routine stuff... and the being his friend. I don't think I try to be that. I have learnt, though, that what definitely works best with him is to negotiate, discuss, explain, ask... I have seen it a thousand times. And we have a loose routine that works for us. Totally set routines do not and part of the reason for that is because we do travel a lot - to England and to Morocco, regularly during holidays. So things cannot be too set in stone because they have to regularly change. Also one of the things J finds really hard is being flexible, accepting change... I want to work with him to allow him to supple sometimes.</p><p>Anyway, thanks for the clarity of your statement. It is not easy to hear or face, but because it is the truth that I was behaving abusively in that moment, to my shame, it is fine for it to be said.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 421473, member: 11227"] Hmmm, some blunt words there, Patricia :-) But that's fine and some of what you say is useful. I'm not in denial about what happened, though. I initially said that he went ballistic, hit me, screamed insults and then spat. MWM picked up on the physical violence and I clarified that he had slapped me and given me a little pinch but that he had then exploded with rage. There's no contradiction. HOWEVER, I think it is a fair point that I sometimes have unrealistic expectations of a four year old. I am aware of this sometimes, but like most things we are aware of, am not necessarily able to see when I am doing it in the moment. And actually I do know you are quite right about the unacceptability of slapping him hard when faced with his explosion... It is to do with something that goes off in MY brain without my conscious control. So I do need to control it consciously before it gets to that point... I've done lots of work on the relationship abuse, am not sure it is going to help me specifically now. But my reason for posting about it was, I think, that I need to understand and contain the dynamic that potentially exists between us. In fact, my losing it on Sunday night was really not so easily shaken off, a small mistake that was quickly forgotten. J has been really, really difficult since then, in a way that he has not been for SUCH a long time. I know it is related. As for all the set routine stuff... and the being his friend. I don't think I try to be that. I have learnt, though, that what definitely works best with him is to negotiate, discuss, explain, ask... I have seen it a thousand times. And we have a loose routine that works for us. Totally set routines do not and part of the reason for that is because we do travel a lot - to England and to Morocco, regularly during holidays. So things cannot be too set in stone because they have to regularly change. Also one of the things J finds really hard is being flexible, accepting change... I want to work with him to allow him to supple sometimes. Anyway, thanks for the clarity of your statement. It is not easy to hear or face, but because it is the truth that I was behaving abusively in that moment, to my shame, it is fine for it to be said. [/QUOTE]
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