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Family of Origin
Singing the Bones: Recovering the Self
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 664145" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>In my son's case, I knew his name at birth and his birth parents' names. My son's birth paternal family is very prominent, and his grandfather a highly respected professional. The maternal grandparents were very normal and responsible people.</p><p></p><p>Parents on this board many of them have DNA potential that has supported the greatest of successes and highest of morals. Yet their children turn to drugs, or become lost.</p><p></p><p>In my son's case, he had real trauma in his first couple years.</p><p></p><p>I believe that what looks like a repetition of parents' behavior, and therefore DNA can also be a way that our adoptive children to understand and to come to grips symbolically and meaningfully with their pasts.</p><p></p><p>Most parents, rightly or wrongly, want their children to have values similar to their own, and to some degree or another follow in their footsteps. If there is a human nature, I would guess this is near universal. After all, how would culture regenerate itself, if there was not the expectation of generational adherence to values and norms?</p><p></p><p><em>I am doing what nearly every parent on this board does, in</em> hoping and wanting my son to live a more or less conventional life. </p><p></p><p>I do not think I injure him by wanting that he be productive and responsible, to pay his bills, to follow through with medical appointments, to understand the consequences of actions.</p><p></p><p>That I would want this for him does not mean that I am rejecting him because he does not want to go to college or because he is not Phi Beta Kappa. I am not that kind of person. I do not need my son to achieve to reflect well on me. I have had enough success personally for both of us. </p><p></p><p>But I do have a psychology. I do have a personal sense of shame, guilt, self-doubt, a sense of personal failure and responsibility for what happened to me as a child with my family, and young adult.</p><p></p><p>In this I am no different than anybody else, except, perhaps in degree.</p><p></p><p>Because I am tied into my son, what he does or does not do triggers me. That does not mean I need him to do or not do one thing to love him.</p><p></p><p>That he does not do so, <em>yet</em>, to me is not irrefutable indication of anything beyond self-indulgence and immaturity.</p><p></p><p>Numerous possibilities, probabilities or certainties have been raised about our children, including my own: he is testing out ways of living for one reason or another; he is self-willed and wants to do it his way; immaturity; he has a mental illness for which he refuses treatment; personality factors; he may have developmental limitations related to drug exposure, a developmental disorder, his early beginnings or ADHD. Or substances.</p><p></p><p>From my reading on this board, almost all parents struggle to understand. They raise each possibility in sequence, go through the list and start all over again.</p><p></p><p>Because we are powerless to do anything but this: to ruminate and agonize until we tire. And start over to do it again.</p><p></p><p>While I may be wrong the last thing I think that is fueling my son's situation is problematic DNA.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 664145, member: 18958"] In my son's case, I knew his name at birth and his birth parents' names. My son's birth paternal family is very prominent, and his grandfather a highly respected professional. The maternal grandparents were very normal and responsible people. Parents on this board many of them have DNA potential that has supported the greatest of successes and highest of morals. Yet their children turn to drugs, or become lost. In my son's case, he had real trauma in his first couple years. I believe that what looks like a repetition of parents' behavior, and therefore DNA can also be a way that our adoptive children to understand and to come to grips symbolically and meaningfully with their pasts. Most parents, rightly or wrongly, want their children to have values similar to their own, and to some degree or another follow in their footsteps. If there is a human nature, I would guess this is near universal. After all, how would culture regenerate itself, if there was not the expectation of generational adherence to values and norms? [I]I am doing what nearly every parent on this board does, in[/I] hoping and wanting my son to live a more or less conventional life. I do not think I injure him by wanting that he be productive and responsible, to pay his bills, to follow through with medical appointments, to understand the consequences of actions. That I would want this for him does not mean that I am rejecting him because he does not want to go to college or because he is not Phi Beta Kappa. I am not that kind of person. I do not need my son to achieve to reflect well on me. I have had enough success personally for both of us. But I do have a psychology. I do have a personal sense of shame, guilt, self-doubt, a sense of personal failure and responsibility for what happened to me as a child with my family, and young adult. In this I am no different than anybody else, except, perhaps in degree. Because I am tied into my son, what he does or does not do triggers me. That does not mean I need him to do or not do one thing to love him. That he does not do so, [I]yet[/I], to me is not irrefutable indication of anything beyond self-indulgence and immaturity. Numerous possibilities, probabilities or certainties have been raised about our children, including my own: he is testing out ways of living for one reason or another; he is self-willed and wants to do it his way; immaturity; he has a mental illness for which he refuses treatment; personality factors; he may have developmental limitations related to drug exposure, a developmental disorder, his early beginnings or ADHD. Or substances. From my reading on this board, almost all parents struggle to understand. They raise each possibility in sequence, go through the list and start all over again. Because we are powerless to do anything but this: to ruminate and agonize until we tire. And start over to do it again. While I may be wrong the last thing I think that is fueling my son's situation is problematic DNA. [/QUOTE]
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