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Slleping with the doors locked and now difficult child left
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 165970" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: purple">Well I read the note she left. "Mom, I just want you to understand why you are dead to me" - nice beginning, huh? </span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: purple">In it she wrote about how I used to sit and listen to her and I don't anymore. That now when she's freaking out, I used to be patient and listen, but now I laugh at her. How she's never leaving Monkeyboy because he's the only boyfriend who has treated her nice and the only one who listens to her (*This is the same boy she almost cheated on last week and the same boy who routinely blows her off every time he has a little money so he can hang out with his buddy and get high*).</span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: purple">The logical side of my brain knows all the correct and level headed responses...I need to let her go (which I am), I need to let her words roll off me (trying), and I need to stand strong (trying and so far so good). </span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: purple">I remember feeling a lot of anger towards my mom and feeling as if she didn't 'get me' and just wanting to get as far from her as possible. I know there were times when it wasn't me back then with my mom and now I'm just kind of running all these scenarios in my head to find a way to see through difficult child's eyes. Everytime I do, I still find it difficult to see things in the skewed way she does. Especially in regards to her sister - that is so upsetting to me the most. I always wanted them to be close and they may as well be from different families and continents. And what really stinks is that easy child is in her corner, always rooting for difficult child, always hoping that she finds her way. And easy child is no where nears as perfect as difficult child imagines her to be and I've pointed that out to difficult child many times to make easy child feel more real to difficult child, as if they are actually related somehow.</span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: purple">I have sat and listened to difficult child (and easy child) when inside I was screaming because I couldn't stand all the drama and warped views on things. But I sat and I listened. They were little and young and early teens and blossoming young women. It's like difficult child still wants me to treat her the way I did when she was 12 and figuring things out. The thing is, she never tried to figure things out for herself apparently, or she'd be much further ahead than she is now emotionally, mentally, and intellectually. </span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: purple"><strong>My biggest regret is that I think I may have done too much for her and crippled her ability to do more for herself. But I DID show her the way so many times and taught her to advocate for herself. She doesn't want to.</strong></span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: purple">It is difficult for me to feel sorry for her. In yesterday's paper there was this excellent article about this 18 year old mother of an almost 2 year old toddler from a local town. The boyfriend dumped her of course, and she was on her own living at home. She goes to school in the days and works in the afternoons and evenings. Her mother helps with the baby. The girl is essentially working from sunup till about 8 at night when she comes home to spend some time with her baby and then tackle homework. She's graduating HS this month. I don't know, but I found her story inspiring. Against all odds, this girl is making it work for herself and her son. She has plans to attend a community college in the fall to begin an education in medicine. I mean, wow. I left it for difficult child to read, hoping to inspire her. Of course, she didn't and if she even read the headline, she probably had some derogatory comment to make, "stupid girl should've had an abortion".</span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: purple">In her letter she made another comment or two about wanting to commit suicide and how she was up until 4:30 AM and she almost called the police, etc., but the only reason she didn't was because of monkeyboy. You know what? While she was raging last night, I was thinking, "What if? What if she did something and ended up in the hospital again?" and what I came up with was that *maybe* I would accompany her, see her drugged so she could sleep, and then I'd leave to come home to my own bed. I would maybe even ask H to go in my stead. </span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: purple">So, is this detaching or heartbreak? I'm feeling two very strong emotions inside. Part of me feels so very strong and detached and just sort of, "Hon, do what you gotta do according to what you think...but leave me out of it" and the other part of me is feeling like, "Why?" and like I may crumble. </span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: purple">So, I'm off to my busy day. I pray to God she stays the he// away from the house today and doesn't come in while I'm at work. I actually fear for easy child's puppy. difficult child is so jealous and filled with venom, I wouldn't put anything past her at this point. I will be home at noon again briefly, so at least then I can check on her. </span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: purple">ps: You should see the size of the bag difficult child took with her. She asked for her medications bottle (I usually keep her daily dose in one of those things) and I only gave her half of what was in there...I don't even know why. I think I was afraid she'd lose it or give it out. She doesn't take it normally anyway. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #800080">Thanks for the support - keep it comin', I think I'm going to need it.</span></span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 165970, member: 2211"] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]Well I read the note she left. "Mom, I just want you to understand why you are dead to me" - nice beginning, huh? [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]In it she wrote about how I used to sit and listen to her and I don't anymore. That now when she's freaking out, I used to be patient and listen, but now I laugh at her. How she's never leaving Monkeyboy because he's the only boyfriend who has treated her nice and the only one who listens to her (*This is the same boy she almost cheated on last week and the same boy who routinely blows her off every time he has a little money so he can hang out with his buddy and get high*).[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]The logical side of my brain knows all the correct and level headed responses...I need to let her go (which I am), I need to let her words roll off me (trying), and I need to stand strong (trying and so far so good). [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]I remember feeling a lot of anger towards my mom and feeling as if she didn't 'get me' and just wanting to get as far from her as possible. I know there were times when it wasn't me back then with my mom and now I'm just kind of running all these scenarios in my head to find a way to see through difficult child's eyes. Everytime I do, I still find it difficult to see things in the skewed way she does. Especially in regards to her sister - that is so upsetting to me the most. I always wanted them to be close and they may as well be from different families and continents. And what really stinks is that easy child is in her corner, always rooting for difficult child, always hoping that she finds her way. And easy child is no where nears as perfect as difficult child imagines her to be and I've pointed that out to difficult child many times to make easy child feel more real to difficult child, as if they are actually related somehow.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]I have sat and listened to difficult child (and easy child) when inside I was screaming because I couldn't stand all the drama and warped views on things. But I sat and I listened. They were little and young and early teens and blossoming young women. It's like difficult child still wants me to treat her the way I did when she was 12 and figuring things out. The thing is, she never tried to figure things out for herself apparently, or she'd be much further ahead than she is now emotionally, mentally, and intellectually. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple][B]My biggest regret is that I think I may have done too much for her and crippled her ability to do more for herself. But I DID show her the way so many times and taught her to advocate for herself. She doesn't want to.[/B][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]It is difficult for me to feel sorry for her. In yesterday's paper there was this excellent article about this 18 year old mother of an almost 2 year old toddler from a local town. The boyfriend dumped her of course, and she was on her own living at home. She goes to school in the days and works in the afternoons and evenings. Her mother helps with the baby. The girl is essentially working from sunup till about 8 at night when she comes home to spend some time with her baby and then tackle homework. She's graduating HS this month. I don't know, but I found her story inspiring. Against all odds, this girl is making it work for herself and her son. She has plans to attend a community college in the fall to begin an education in medicine. I mean, wow. I left it for difficult child to read, hoping to inspire her. Of course, she didn't and if she even read the headline, she probably had some derogatory comment to make, "stupid girl should've had an abortion".[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]In her letter she made another comment or two about wanting to commit suicide and how she was up until 4:30 AM and she almost called the police, etc., but the only reason she didn't was because of monkeyboy. You know what? While she was raging last night, I was thinking, "What if? What if she did something and ended up in the hospital again?" and what I came up with was that *maybe* I would accompany her, see her drugged so she could sleep, and then I'd leave to come home to my own bed. I would maybe even ask H to go in my stead. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]So, is this detaching or heartbreak? I'm feeling two very strong emotions inside. Part of me feels so very strong and detached and just sort of, "Hon, do what you gotta do according to what you think...but leave me out of it" and the other part of me is feeling like, "Why?" and like I may crumble. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]So, I'm off to my busy day. I pray to God she stays the he// away from the house today and doesn't come in while I'm at work. I actually fear for easy child's puppy. difficult child is so jealous and filled with venom, I wouldn't put anything past her at this point. I will be home at noon again briefly, so at least then I can check on her. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=purple]ps: You should see the size of the bag difficult child took with her. She asked for her medications bottle (I usually keep her daily dose in one of those things) and I only gave her half of what was in there...I don't even know why. I think I was afraid she'd lose it or give it out. She doesn't take it normally anyway. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=#800080]Thanks for the support - keep it comin', I think I'm going to need it.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [/QUOTE]
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Slleping with the doors locked and now difficult child left
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