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Slleping with the doors locked and now difficult child left
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 165999" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Jo, </p><p> </p><p>I used to think with enough love, understanding and patience my son would eventually be the person I had pictured him in my mind to be. </p><p> </p><p>As the years wore on, and his behaviors didn't subside, but became more bizarre; it occurred to me that I had better get myself some help or I would surely loose my mind. This wasn't a life; this was existing. All my doors with keyed locks, cleaning supplies, washing supplies, bathroom supplies, all locked up. Shed, garage? locked up. Windows? Locked, because if I did lock the doors and not the windows his "buddies" would give him a boost through the windows and then he'd let them in the front door. I dealt with running away, loss of health, loss of hair (literally from stress), weight gain, ulcers, and finally stroke. </p><p> </p><p>So what changes? We do. And our tactics as parents of difficult child's seem odd, unrealistic, sarcastic and uncaring. And they aren't - they are survival. I think we give our difficult child kids more chances to get it right, and WE become depressed because our brain just won't allow us to figure out if this is something they CAN control and won't - or something that they can NOT control and don't. THAT is the insanity of parenting a difficult child. </p><p> </p><p>So then we try to figure out HOW to determine the Can and can't control aspect of their abilities, and that starts us on yet another path for a few years. And we see ourselves trying to figure out if they CAN understand things but refuse to or make that choice that they CAN NOT and what supports to put in place so they still have their own independence and don't depend on us - or in your case and mine - put them out and say - "In my OWN home I'm tired of it all. and the ever popular I love you but." Then they go, and some make a go of it to prove us wrong, and some prove they just cant' make it and will always need assistance. </p><p> </p><p>That does NOT mean OUR assistance and interference that means finding them the means to make it work for themselves and taking a back seat to their lives and their self-induced consequences. </p><p> </p><p>I know at this stage if I rush in and "fix" Dude's life at 17 - by the time he's 20 or older I haven't helped - I've hindered. And it's becoming evident to lots of people that he is a CAN person - just won't....so life is going to slap him quite hard before he changes his mind about going from "I can't" to "I must". </p><p></p><p>Thats the part I hate as a parent. We parent difficult child's and I think it makes us TOUGHER than the normal family with easy child's and daily problems. Meow bunny said it very well in a post to me that when her daughter picks up a sock - it's cause for celebration. I cried and laughed when I read that. One, because I know what she meant and no one else but us here would and two, because it's so true it hurts. We just look so hard for little signs when we find them - we're nearly elated with an overload of joy we forget that even picking up a sock should be a normal moment. </p><p> </p><p>I hope putting your daughter not "out" necessarily, but "On a path to maturity" helps you see her picking up her socks later on in life. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs - BIG HUGE ONES. </p><p>Star</p><p>-and all this at the end of month closing? NICE!<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/sick.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":sick:" title="sick :sick:" data-shortname=":sick:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 165999, member: 4964"] Jo, I used to think with enough love, understanding and patience my son would eventually be the person I had pictured him in my mind to be. As the years wore on, and his behaviors didn't subside, but became more bizarre; it occurred to me that I had better get myself some help or I would surely loose my mind. This wasn't a life; this was existing. All my doors with keyed locks, cleaning supplies, washing supplies, bathroom supplies, all locked up. Shed, garage? locked up. Windows? Locked, because if I did lock the doors and not the windows his "buddies" would give him a boost through the windows and then he'd let them in the front door. I dealt with running away, loss of health, loss of hair (literally from stress), weight gain, ulcers, and finally stroke. So what changes? We do. And our tactics as parents of difficult child's seem odd, unrealistic, sarcastic and uncaring. And they aren't - they are survival. I think we give our difficult child kids more chances to get it right, and WE become depressed because our brain just won't allow us to figure out if this is something they CAN control and won't - or something that they can NOT control and don't. THAT is the insanity of parenting a difficult child. So then we try to figure out HOW to determine the Can and can't control aspect of their abilities, and that starts us on yet another path for a few years. And we see ourselves trying to figure out if they CAN understand things but refuse to or make that choice that they CAN NOT and what supports to put in place so they still have their own independence and don't depend on us - or in your case and mine - put them out and say - "In my OWN home I'm tired of it all. and the ever popular I love you but." Then they go, and some make a go of it to prove us wrong, and some prove they just cant' make it and will always need assistance. That does NOT mean OUR assistance and interference that means finding them the means to make it work for themselves and taking a back seat to their lives and their self-induced consequences. I know at this stage if I rush in and "fix" Dude's life at 17 - by the time he's 20 or older I haven't helped - I've hindered. And it's becoming evident to lots of people that he is a CAN person - just won't....so life is going to slap him quite hard before he changes his mind about going from "I can't" to "I must". Thats the part I hate as a parent. We parent difficult child's and I think it makes us TOUGHER than the normal family with easy child's and daily problems. Meow bunny said it very well in a post to me that when her daughter picks up a sock - it's cause for celebration. I cried and laughed when I read that. One, because I know what she meant and no one else but us here would and two, because it's so true it hurts. We just look so hard for little signs when we find them - we're nearly elated with an overload of joy we forget that even picking up a sock should be a normal moment. I hope putting your daughter not "out" necessarily, but "On a path to maturity" helps you see her picking up her socks later on in life. Hugs - BIG HUGE ONES. Star -and all this at the end of month closing? NICE!:sick: [/QUOTE]
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Slleping with the doors locked and now difficult child left
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