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Slleping with the doors locked and now difficult child left
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<blockquote data-quote="janebrain" data-source="post: 166031" data-attributes="member: 3208"><p>Hi Jo,</p><p>first of all, here are hugs for you and all you are going through. Second, I tried to post a reply and lost it but meanwhile Star and MB and Marcie Mac all pretty much said what I said anyway!</p><p></p><p>I think my "got it" moment with difficult child 1 came after I had actually told her to leave home and she did with the boyfriend. When they left the house I went and locked all the doors and felt a sense of relief that I was now safe and that I knew I was not letting her come back to live, no matter what. To finally feel like I had made a decision and was strong in it, no wavering, what a relief.</p><p></p><p>The actual "got it" moment probably came a few days later when I did see her outside our home. She told me that she did not care about our family, she just didn't have any feelings for us. I took her words at face value and told her I was glad to hear this because this was what all her actions were saying to us, that she did not care about us. I told her I hoped some day she would care about us but I was very neutral--not cold exactly, just neutral. And I truly felt that way--that I could live without her love, I could go on with my life and be happy anyway. </p><p></p><p>Well, that seemed to be a turning point. She then started acting more loving, I stayed very neutral--I think she saw the strength I had. When I allowed her to stop being helpless she began to help herself. </p><p></p><p>So, here we are, about 2 years later, and we have a good relationship. It helps immensely that she is 3000 miles away and I can't rush in to rescue even if I wanted to. Also, she doesn't ask me to help very often and I often don't find out that she has had a problem til she has taken care of it. I see that she does care for her family very much, she loves all of us.</p><p></p><p>Your dtr sounds so much like the dtrs of parents in a support group I used to be in for parents of kids with borderline personality disorder. What they seem to have found is that they have to have very strong boundaries with their dtrs and they can't buy into the complaining that they never listen, aren't there for their dtrs, etc. The thing is, it wouldn't matter what you did--it would never be enough for your dtr. The problem isn't with you, it is within her. She has a gaping hole inside that can never get filled. She lashes out at the world and blames the world (you) but it isn't your fault and even if you gave her every single thing she asked for it would not be enough and she would still blame you. </p><p></p><p>You can't help her, only she can help herself. One thing to try to avoid--I found that I had great detachment skills when I was angry. Once I was no longer angry I tended to feel sorry for her and then we would become enmeshed or I would let down my boundaries and she would be right back to her old tricks. It is very dangerous to allow your feelings of pity to reach out to try to help her again. Remember, the more you help, the more helpless she is to help herself.</p><p></p><p>Thinking of you,</p><p>Jane</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="janebrain, post: 166031, member: 3208"] Hi Jo, first of all, here are hugs for you and all you are going through. Second, I tried to post a reply and lost it but meanwhile Star and MB and Marcie Mac all pretty much said what I said anyway! I think my "got it" moment with difficult child 1 came after I had actually told her to leave home and she did with the boyfriend. When they left the house I went and locked all the doors and felt a sense of relief that I was now safe and that I knew I was not letting her come back to live, no matter what. To finally feel like I had made a decision and was strong in it, no wavering, what a relief. The actual "got it" moment probably came a few days later when I did see her outside our home. She told me that she did not care about our family, she just didn't have any feelings for us. I took her words at face value and told her I was glad to hear this because this was what all her actions were saying to us, that she did not care about us. I told her I hoped some day she would care about us but I was very neutral--not cold exactly, just neutral. And I truly felt that way--that I could live without her love, I could go on with my life and be happy anyway. Well, that seemed to be a turning point. She then started acting more loving, I stayed very neutral--I think she saw the strength I had. When I allowed her to stop being helpless she began to help herself. So, here we are, about 2 years later, and we have a good relationship. It helps immensely that she is 3000 miles away and I can't rush in to rescue even if I wanted to. Also, she doesn't ask me to help very often and I often don't find out that she has had a problem til she has taken care of it. I see that she does care for her family very much, she loves all of us. Your dtr sounds so much like the dtrs of parents in a support group I used to be in for parents of kids with borderline personality disorder. What they seem to have found is that they have to have very strong boundaries with their dtrs and they can't buy into the complaining that they never listen, aren't there for their dtrs, etc. The thing is, it wouldn't matter what you did--it would never be enough for your dtr. The problem isn't with you, it is within her. She has a gaping hole inside that can never get filled. She lashes out at the world and blames the world (you) but it isn't your fault and even if you gave her every single thing she asked for it would not be enough and she would still blame you. You can't help her, only she can help herself. One thing to try to avoid--I found that I had great detachment skills when I was angry. Once I was no longer angry I tended to feel sorry for her and then we would become enmeshed or I would let down my boundaries and she would be right back to her old tricks. It is very dangerous to allow your feelings of pity to reach out to try to help her again. Remember, the more you help, the more helpless she is to help herself. Thinking of you, Jane [/QUOTE]
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