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Substance Abuse
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<blockquote data-quote="Sam3" data-source="post: 725120" data-attributes="member: 19290"><p>LIs, </p><p></p><p>Earlier in this process, I felt a lot like how it seems you are feeling. Like my every move was crucial to my son's outcome. </p><p></p><p>It's understandable. My son is a blamer -- always able to trace his trajectory to some "but for" cause out of his control. I knew It was distorted thinking, but the blame still weighed on me. Enforcing a necessary boundary felt like throwing a Molotov cocktail at a street gang and needing to run. </p><p></p><p>On the flip side, I would grant extensions and exceptions, handouts and breaks, to give my son chances to reset. When he did not capitalize on them, and inevitably betrayed my hope and kindness, I would feel resentful. </p><p></p><p>I understand now that both the fear in delivering consequences and the resentment in giving help, that ultimately didn't help, both came from overestimating my power and appropriate role in his life. Yes, by going sideways and blaming, my son fed the sense that I am an important actor in all of this. But I worked to un-enmesh. </p><p></p><p>When I did, I remembered that I am the grownup here. I put my oxygen mask on first. Panicking, dragging my kid through the aisle and crossing my fingers would not help. You do what's needed and you don't need their "buy in."</p><p></p><p>Ive come to see that an appropriate place for the parent of an adult child is to love and wish the best. Financial, logistical and emotional support is okay if it is age and context appropriate, otherwise it's enabling and disabling. </p><p></p><p>For a young person in active substance abuse, that would be support in getting help, not propping up the hallmarks of independence.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Sam3, post: 725120, member: 19290"] LIs, Earlier in this process, I felt a lot like how it seems you are feeling. Like my every move was crucial to my son's outcome. It's understandable. My son is a blamer -- always able to trace his trajectory to some "but for" cause out of his control. I knew It was distorted thinking, but the blame still weighed on me. Enforcing a necessary boundary felt like throwing a Molotov cocktail at a street gang and needing to run. On the flip side, I would grant extensions and exceptions, handouts and breaks, to give my son chances to reset. When he did not capitalize on them, and inevitably betrayed my hope and kindness, I would feel resentful. I understand now that both the fear in delivering consequences and the resentment in giving help, that ultimately didn't help, both came from overestimating my power and appropriate role in his life. Yes, by going sideways and blaming, my son fed the sense that I am an important actor in all of this. But I worked to un-enmesh. When I did, I remembered that I am the grownup here. I put my oxygen mask on first. Panicking, dragging my kid through the aisle and crossing my fingers would not help. You do what's needed and you don't need their "buy in." Ive come to see that an appropriate place for the parent of an adult child is to love and wish the best. Financial, logistical and emotional support is okay if it is age and context appropriate, otherwise it's enabling and disabling. For a young person in active substance abuse, that would be support in getting help, not propping up the hallmarks of independence. [/QUOTE]
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