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<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 674122" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p>Aloha Mili</p><p>Welcome. I’m thankful you found this site. I have found the wisdom here a life-saving answer to prayer. The folks here understand. You are not alone. It is hard to begin detaching and to release your fear and emotion about your son. Especially with losing your other son, your deep love and concern and desire to help your difficult child is natural and understandable. But you cannot help him or change him. Only he can help and change himself, if and when he wants it for himself. Your job is to take care of yourself to get peaceful and stay in good health.</p><p></p><p>Maybe something in my story will help to support you in some way. I am only new to this forum for 2 months, and I only had my own son vacate his room in our home a few weeks ago. But I know now that he has left, he cannot return to live with us again at any time soon, nor under any conditions of behavior similar to what he has been doing.</p><p></p><p>I am in my 60s also. My difficult child is my 36 year old son. He’s never been diagnosed with anything, but he does show an odd personality trait now and then, and has never been a very happy person. He is now divorced after a marriage of much dysfunction, due in large part to his destructive and negative behavioral issues. A basic re-cap is that he had been living with us the last 18 months after his divorce, no real job for years, sleeping day and night (for days at a time), then disappearing for days, coming back only when needs something, getting traffic violations, shoplifting, lies, arrests. I kept trying to help him, by trying to stay upbeat and make suggestions, getting him a bus pass, McDonald’s cards, etc. And then each day when I returned home from work, he’s still sleeping and never gets up. Some days I actually wondered if he was still alive.</p><p></p><p>Finally, I saw nothing I was doing or trying to “fix” was working. In fact it was getting worse, because I was just plain sick and tired of it -- like you said “<em>so Drained</em>” -- I did not want to deal with it or with him anymore. I was feeling resentful. I did not even want to see him anymore. He was not a nice person to be around at all. (My retired husband tried to avoid son during the day by staying out on the lanai.) At last, I realized I would not take this behavior from any non-related person. So why was I putting up with it from my own son? It was only because he was <em>Ohana</em>, and “no one gets left behind” (we’ve heard that often enough.)</p><p></p><p>One of the turning points in my own detachment was when son called me early one morning around 7:00 am when I had just arrived at work. I saw his number on the caller ID, and had the old heart sinking feeling (<em>again!)</em> This time he was calling from jail, and asked if I could come bail him (<em>again!)</em> That morning I was tired, and it was raining, I was wet from the walk from the bus, I was hungry and had just poured myself a cup of coffee … So … “No”… I did not want to go anywhere (especially to do something like that for him which would not even be appreciated or change anything). I forced myself to be calm, took a deep breath, and calmly said “no, I am not going to do that for you this time, son. I wish you the best.” Son replied “OK mom. Love you.” (The “<em>love you</em>” from him I’ve come to suspect is a ploy at manipulation (?) Then several days later I got a text from him - “just checking in. I’m out of jail and OK. See you in a few days.” I did not answer the text. He did not show up for a few days, so apparently he was OK and survived his dilemma of jail with no bail just fine without me. Good.</p><p></p><p>When I recently returned from a trip in mid-October and found him still in the bed, still sleeping, and still…..same old - same old - same old… We told son he could not stay with us anymore, but I knew he would not do anything to move out on his own. So my husband and I took it upon ourselves to clean his possessions out from his room (I put some few things in a shed in our yard). The furniture was all removed and I got his key back. I do not know what he is doing now or where he is staying. He does not communicate (that’s nothing new) unless he needs help to get his children (my grands) to come to our house so he can have a visitation with them. I am presently allowing him that much. He also called me on Thanksgiving Day last week to “check in” he said. I said “thank you” but remained cool and detached.</p><p></p><p>You see, I did come to finally realize that our attempts to assist him were just enabling him to continue his ways without a need to change. His siblings had known it long before, and had been urging me to have him leave our house. They were telling me “it’s for his own good” but my mother’s fearful and emotional heart could not risk seeing him “out in the cold” (or here it would be "out in the warm" )</p><p></p><p>Throughout this process, I came to the conclusion and realization that in the state he was in, our house was not a good place for him to be, and we as his parents were not good folks to be around him because we could not help him. It was not good for him. We were only enabling him to continue in the same rut.</p><p></p><p>I know son is definitely not worse off being out of our home, and in fact he may be doing better. Perhaps he has some kind of job (?) or a schedule to wake up (?) or he has to plan now where to get food to eat (?) or where to sleep (?) Out of our house, he has to talk to people, which is more than what he was doing here. Even these small things to take care of on his own would be an improvement for him.</p><p></p><p>This is a work in progress for me, as it is for all of us here on this forum. I am learning about boundaries. Coming to this forum each day and reading the posts and the wisdom in the different threads is helping me be strong and detached and content in my heart to know “I am going to be alright.” And I know my son is “going to be alright.”</p><p></p><p>It’s all <em>pono, </em>Mili. Stay with us here. Others will be along too. It really helps to keep posting. <em>Aloha nui.</em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 674122, member: 19617"] Aloha Mili Welcome. I’m thankful you found this site. I have found the wisdom here a life-saving answer to prayer. The folks here understand. You are not alone. It is hard to begin detaching and to release your fear and emotion about your son. Especially with losing your other son, your deep love and concern and desire to help your difficult child is natural and understandable. But you cannot help him or change him. Only he can help and change himself, if and when he wants it for himself. Your job is to take care of yourself to get peaceful and stay in good health. Maybe something in my story will help to support you in some way. I am only new to this forum for 2 months, and I only had my own son vacate his room in our home a few weeks ago. But I know now that he has left, he cannot return to live with us again at any time soon, nor under any conditions of behavior similar to what he has been doing. I am in my 60s also. My difficult child is my 36 year old son. He’s never been diagnosed with anything, but he does show an odd personality trait now and then, and has never been a very happy person. He is now divorced after a marriage of much dysfunction, due in large part to his destructive and negative behavioral issues. A basic re-cap is that he had been living with us the last 18 months after his divorce, no real job for years, sleeping day and night (for days at a time), then disappearing for days, coming back only when needs something, getting traffic violations, shoplifting, lies, arrests. I kept trying to help him, by trying to stay upbeat and make suggestions, getting him a bus pass, McDonald’s cards, etc. And then each day when I returned home from work, he’s still sleeping and never gets up. Some days I actually wondered if he was still alive. Finally, I saw nothing I was doing or trying to “fix” was working. In fact it was getting worse, because I was just plain sick and tired of it -- like you said “[I]so Drained[/I]” -- I did not want to deal with it or with him anymore. I was feeling resentful. I did not even want to see him anymore. He was not a nice person to be around at all. (My retired husband tried to avoid son during the day by staying out on the lanai.) At last, I realized I would not take this behavior from any non-related person. So why was I putting up with it from my own son? It was only because he was [I]Ohana[/I], and “no one gets left behind” (we’ve heard that often enough.) One of the turning points in my own detachment was when son called me early one morning around 7:00 am when I had just arrived at work. I saw his number on the caller ID, and had the old heart sinking feeling ([I]again!)[/I] This time he was calling from jail, and asked if I could come bail him ([I]again!)[/I] That morning I was tired, and it was raining, I was wet from the walk from the bus, I was hungry and had just poured myself a cup of coffee … So … “No”… I did not want to go anywhere (especially to do something like that for him which would not even be appreciated or change anything). I forced myself to be calm, took a deep breath, and calmly said “no, I am not going to do that for you this time, son. I wish you the best.” Son replied “OK mom. Love you.” (The “[I]love you[/I]” from him I’ve come to suspect is a ploy at manipulation (?) Then several days later I got a text from him - “just checking in. I’m out of jail and OK. See you in a few days.” I did not answer the text. He did not show up for a few days, so apparently he was OK and survived his dilemma of jail with no bail just fine without me. Good. When I recently returned from a trip in mid-October and found him still in the bed, still sleeping, and still…..same old - same old - same old… We told son he could not stay with us anymore, but I knew he would not do anything to move out on his own. So my husband and I took it upon ourselves to clean his possessions out from his room (I put some few things in a shed in our yard). The furniture was all removed and I got his key back. I do not know what he is doing now or where he is staying. He does not communicate (that’s nothing new) unless he needs help to get his children (my grands) to come to our house so he can have a visitation with them. I am presently allowing him that much. He also called me on Thanksgiving Day last week to “check in” he said. I said “thank you” but remained cool and detached. You see, I did come to finally realize that our attempts to assist him were just enabling him to continue his ways without a need to change. His siblings had known it long before, and had been urging me to have him leave our house. They were telling me “it’s for his own good” but my mother’s fearful and emotional heart could not risk seeing him “out in the cold” (or here it would be "out in the warm" ) Throughout this process, I came to the conclusion and realization that in the state he was in, our house was not a good place for him to be, and we as his parents were not good folks to be around him because we could not help him. It was not good for him. We were only enabling him to continue in the same rut. I know son is definitely not worse off being out of our home, and in fact he may be doing better. Perhaps he has some kind of job (?) or a schedule to wake up (?) or he has to plan now where to get food to eat (?) or where to sleep (?) Out of our house, he has to talk to people, which is more than what he was doing here. Even these small things to take care of on his own would be an improvement for him. This is a work in progress for me, as it is for all of us here on this forum. I am learning about boundaries. Coming to this forum each day and reading the posts and the wisdom in the different threads is helping me be strong and detached and content in my heart to know “I am going to be alright.” And I know my son is “going to be alright.” It’s all [I]pono, [/I]Mili. Stay with us here. Others will be along too. It really helps to keep posting. [I]Aloha nui.[/I] [/QUOTE]
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