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Failure to Thrive
So tired...
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 714973" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome MichelleLynneFl. I'm sorry you are going thru this with your daughter. You may want to put your post in the Parent Emeritus forum as well to receive more support. </p><p></p><p>You appear to have a good handle on how to deal with your daughter, many years of it will give us that wisdom. It doesn't mean it feels any better, however, you have some tools. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. If you aren't in some kind of counseling, you might consider it. This is a very difficult path with our adult kids who can't/won't change, it generally requires us to do the heavy lifting of change because they don't. You've learned that you cannot change her, so now it becomes about what boundaries you need to be able to have your own life with peace and joy. Not an easy task, but doable.</p><p></p><p>One good resource many of us have utilized is NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. You can access them online and they have chapters in many cities. I attended their parent course, it is very helpful. They can offer you guidance, information and support. 12 step groups helped me as well. I liked CODA, and met others who had similar stories whom I could relate to. I have an adult daughter who has not been diagnosed, (refuses) but exhibits signs of bi-polar and conduct disorders. It's been a long journey thru for me, I've used all the help I can get which for me was private therapy, a parent support group, CODA, this board, many, many books and a strong willingness to change.</p><p></p><p>Many of us here understand the nastiness our kids have towards us, they often bully us and manipulate us to get their way. They often do not respect our boundaries and at some point, for many of us, we have learned that we cannot live with them, it literally begins to ruin our own lives and eat away at our hearts on a daily basis. It is challenging when they are mentally ill, however, unless your daughter is psychotic, she understands right from wrong. It is usually us, the parents, who come to an end point and say, "no more." </p><p></p><p>It's unfortunate that there are no shelters in your area. You can cal 211 which is a National resource for services in your particular area. There may be options you haven't considered. Here in CA. NAMI tried to help get my daughter in a group home, but of course, she refused. She is presently homeless. I spent close to 6 years trying to find her the resources, which are available in my area, but she refused all of it. She lived with us on and off and it was a awful, no consideration for rules or boundaries, all promises to work go away and she simply relaxes into where she is and stays until she is thrown out. After many years of trying and enabling, I stopped and learned how to accept what I can't change. I let go. She and I have a very limited connection. It isn't about love for her, she is my only child, I love her deeply....it became about me loving myself enough to stop the abuse, the manipulations, the lack of concern or respect for me or anyone else. </p><p></p><p>We always have choices. I chose life, I chose MY life, I chose peace, which I wanted more than anything else. Peace. I know how difficult it is where you are now, I've been there......my advice would be to find a counselor or therapist, someone who is an expert in dealing with our kids who have mental illness. NAMI may be able to help you. Here in CA. I found a codependency course thru our HMO which went for 1-2 years and literally saved me. I learned how to let go. I learned how to accept what I cannot change. I learned how to care for myself in ways that gave me the strength to change. </p><p></p><p>Keep posting, it helps to write it out. Get yourselves support. Make clear boundaries with consequences that you hold to. If you offer boundaries and she breaks them and you allow it, your word will mean nothing. And, expand your options from 'she lives with you or dies on the streets', all that gives you is fear and sorrow.....there are likely other options you can't see....and if your daughter cannot live within the boundaries you give her, she will likely find a way, our kids are pretty resilient and resourceful when they HAVE to be.</p><p></p><p>If there is anything I or anyone here says that you find difficult or not applicable, simply throw it out. We are not experts, we are simply parents on the same path sharing what we've learned. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there. I'm glad you're here. Be VERY kind to yourself. Put yourself first. Focus on your needs. Hold the line with boundaries.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 714973, member: 13542"] Welcome MichelleLynneFl. I'm sorry you are going thru this with your daughter. You may want to put your post in the Parent Emeritus forum as well to receive more support. You appear to have a good handle on how to deal with your daughter, many years of it will give us that wisdom. It doesn't mean it feels any better, however, you have some tools. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. If you aren't in some kind of counseling, you might consider it. This is a very difficult path with our adult kids who can't/won't change, it generally requires us to do the heavy lifting of change because they don't. You've learned that you cannot change her, so now it becomes about what boundaries you need to be able to have your own life with peace and joy. Not an easy task, but doable. One good resource many of us have utilized is NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. You can access them online and they have chapters in many cities. I attended their parent course, it is very helpful. They can offer you guidance, information and support. 12 step groups helped me as well. I liked CODA, and met others who had similar stories whom I could relate to. I have an adult daughter who has not been diagnosed, (refuses) but exhibits signs of bi-polar and conduct disorders. It's been a long journey thru for me, I've used all the help I can get which for me was private therapy, a parent support group, CODA, this board, many, many books and a strong willingness to change. Many of us here understand the nastiness our kids have towards us, they often bully us and manipulate us to get their way. They often do not respect our boundaries and at some point, for many of us, we have learned that we cannot live with them, it literally begins to ruin our own lives and eat away at our hearts on a daily basis. It is challenging when they are mentally ill, however, unless your daughter is psychotic, she understands right from wrong. It is usually us, the parents, who come to an end point and say, "no more." It's unfortunate that there are no shelters in your area. You can cal 211 which is a National resource for services in your particular area. There may be options you haven't considered. Here in CA. NAMI tried to help get my daughter in a group home, but of course, she refused. She is presently homeless. I spent close to 6 years trying to find her the resources, which are available in my area, but she refused all of it. She lived with us on and off and it was a awful, no consideration for rules or boundaries, all promises to work go away and she simply relaxes into where she is and stays until she is thrown out. After many years of trying and enabling, I stopped and learned how to accept what I can't change. I let go. She and I have a very limited connection. It isn't about love for her, she is my only child, I love her deeply....it became about me loving myself enough to stop the abuse, the manipulations, the lack of concern or respect for me or anyone else. We always have choices. I chose life, I chose MY life, I chose peace, which I wanted more than anything else. Peace. I know how difficult it is where you are now, I've been there......my advice would be to find a counselor or therapist, someone who is an expert in dealing with our kids who have mental illness. NAMI may be able to help you. Here in CA. I found a codependency course thru our HMO which went for 1-2 years and literally saved me. I learned how to let go. I learned how to accept what I cannot change. I learned how to care for myself in ways that gave me the strength to change. Keep posting, it helps to write it out. Get yourselves support. Make clear boundaries with consequences that you hold to. If you offer boundaries and she breaks them and you allow it, your word will mean nothing. And, expand your options from 'she lives with you or dies on the streets', all that gives you is fear and sorrow.....there are likely other options you can't see....and if your daughter cannot live within the boundaries you give her, she will likely find a way, our kids are pretty resilient and resourceful when they HAVE to be. If there is anything I or anyone here says that you find difficult or not applicable, simply throw it out. We are not experts, we are simply parents on the same path sharing what we've learned. Hang in there. I'm glad you're here. Be VERY kind to yourself. Put yourself first. Focus on your needs. Hold the line with boundaries. [/QUOTE]
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