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Some thoughts
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<blockquote data-quote="Nature" data-source="post: 740025" data-attributes="member: 19011"><p>Thanks for bringing this up. I too have struggled with my stance on tough love vs feeling I'm enabling at times. Thank you for those in these forums who never made me feel guilty and to whom have always made me feel that I was doing what I felt right at the time for myself and my child. We already experience it so much with those who have no idea of what hell we go through when we have an addicted child.</p><p></p><p>Whenever I thought my son had hit rock bottom and would say to myself "This is rock bottom - it can't get worse than this". It would....thus leaving me realizing that really wasn't HIS rock bottom after all because things did get worse.</p><p></p><p>My son had hit many rock bottoms and each time I was hopeful this would cause him to rise to the top in terms of recovery. I realized however, that my former tough love stance wasn't really the answer as he wasn't even aware I had that stance if that makes sense. So wrapped up in his street homeless life that I don't think he was even aware of how long it had been since he had spoken to family. It left me feeling depressed knowing my son was out there "somewhere" and I needed to let him know I still loved him. At that time it was probably more for my benefit than his.</p><p></p><p>It is only when I went to search for him and drop off food did I start feeling better. Enabling? Yes, probably. However, I also felt hesitant to tell people I was doing these for fear of being told I was enabling. In a nutshell, I came to realize you have to do what you feel is right. Yes, I purchased an old van that he and his friend eventually lived in. This was more for my benefit than his as I could finally find him and relieve my constant stress especially with the overdose numbers on our streets. One weekend there was 100 overdose deaths and I was constantly overwhelmed and stressed that if he died I may not know about it until weeks later. In retrospect, if I hadn't listened to my gut and heart he would not have died of an overdose in late June/early July but from the sepsis that he contracted. He and his friend has previously camped in out of the way places where they had little contact with anyone other than when they purchased drugs. Having no phone they would have been unable to seek help when he collapsed. He had no ID so my greatest fear was that I may never know if he were alive or dead. In that case my choice to purchase the van was a lifesaver for him. So no regrets as he would have died in the woods. Instead he was hospitalized for a few weeks and underwent 6 more weeks of IV treatment at an outpatient centre. He was no longer under the radar with social services as a result. While he was at the hospital someone broke into the van and broke all the windows and tore off the doors and stole all their things. There was no going back to it although he wasn't able to when he was released from the hospital as he needed a clean environment with running water. He thought after his treatment that eventually he was going to go back to it. Instead he had no choice but to stay in a home 2 blocks from my home. Eventually, being able to regain somewhat of a normal persons life - a chance to cook food, take showers and baths, have a safe place to stay, the new life and somewhat regulated daily treatments and hospital visits slowly started changing him. I am more hopeful for his recovery than I have been for years. Of course it helped that he was in a wheelchair and unable to do many things but all of it assisted in his road for this new life. I feared when he was finally able to walk again that he would return to his old life. I took him to movies, swimming, shopping, the aquarium, the park...all the places he had not visited or had forgotten about for many many years. Enabling? Maybe? Yet, I could see that slowly he was doing things he had long forgotten brought him enjoyment.</p><p></p><p>Tough love is not to be confused with standing your ground if they refuse to obey rules in the house in my opinion....but rather always letting the addict know they are loved.To be there to catch them when they fall but we all know it has to come from within...something must grab them somewhere inside to want to change and we are there to encourage them.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nature, post: 740025, member: 19011"] Thanks for bringing this up. I too have struggled with my stance on tough love vs feeling I'm enabling at times. Thank you for those in these forums who never made me feel guilty and to whom have always made me feel that I was doing what I felt right at the time for myself and my child. We already experience it so much with those who have no idea of what hell we go through when we have an addicted child. Whenever I thought my son had hit rock bottom and would say to myself "This is rock bottom - it can't get worse than this". It would....thus leaving me realizing that really wasn't HIS rock bottom after all because things did get worse. My son had hit many rock bottoms and each time I was hopeful this would cause him to rise to the top in terms of recovery. I realized however, that my former tough love stance wasn't really the answer as he wasn't even aware I had that stance if that makes sense. So wrapped up in his street homeless life that I don't think he was even aware of how long it had been since he had spoken to family. It left me feeling depressed knowing my son was out there "somewhere" and I needed to let him know I still loved him. At that time it was probably more for my benefit than his. It is only when I went to search for him and drop off food did I start feeling better. Enabling? Yes, probably. However, I also felt hesitant to tell people I was doing these for fear of being told I was enabling. In a nutshell, I came to realize you have to do what you feel is right. Yes, I purchased an old van that he and his friend eventually lived in. This was more for my benefit than his as I could finally find him and relieve my constant stress especially with the overdose numbers on our streets. One weekend there was 100 overdose deaths and I was constantly overwhelmed and stressed that if he died I may not know about it until weeks later. In retrospect, if I hadn't listened to my gut and heart he would not have died of an overdose in late June/early July but from the sepsis that he contracted. He and his friend has previously camped in out of the way places where they had little contact with anyone other than when they purchased drugs. Having no phone they would have been unable to seek help when he collapsed. He had no ID so my greatest fear was that I may never know if he were alive or dead. In that case my choice to purchase the van was a lifesaver for him. So no regrets as he would have died in the woods. Instead he was hospitalized for a few weeks and underwent 6 more weeks of IV treatment at an outpatient centre. He was no longer under the radar with social services as a result. While he was at the hospital someone broke into the van and broke all the windows and tore off the doors and stole all their things. There was no going back to it although he wasn't able to when he was released from the hospital as he needed a clean environment with running water. He thought after his treatment that eventually he was going to go back to it. Instead he had no choice but to stay in a home 2 blocks from my home. Eventually, being able to regain somewhat of a normal persons life - a chance to cook food, take showers and baths, have a safe place to stay, the new life and somewhat regulated daily treatments and hospital visits slowly started changing him. I am more hopeful for his recovery than I have been for years. Of course it helped that he was in a wheelchair and unable to do many things but all of it assisted in his road for this new life. I feared when he was finally able to walk again that he would return to his old life. I took him to movies, swimming, shopping, the aquarium, the park...all the places he had not visited or had forgotten about for many many years. Enabling? Maybe? Yet, I could see that slowly he was doing things he had long forgotten brought him enjoyment. Tough love is not to be confused with standing your ground if they refuse to obey rules in the house in my opinion....but rather always letting the addict know they are loved.To be there to catch them when they fall but we all know it has to come from within...something must grab them somewhere inside to want to change and we are there to encourage them. [/QUOTE]
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