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Failure to Thrive
Son 22 years old with-no direction
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 708015" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi ame.</p><p></p><p>We have similar issues. My son is now 28. We have been doing this for almost 8 years for sure, maybe more. I had to push my son to do anything productive and none of it worked long term. His longest job was about 15 months. He completed a year of college, but marginally. And he finished a Job Corps program, because I would not let him come home, if he did not.</p><p>Ten years later I am still pushing. But I am doubting myself.</p><p></p><p>My son is maturing some but he is not motivated to work or to do anything productive for himself. (Left to his own devices he will smoke marijuana, run out of his SSI money, go to movies every day, and read conspiracy theory websites.) He will however help us. But we have gotten to the point where we largely do not ask him to help us as he uses it as an excuse to not do for himself.</p><p></p><p>He had a certification to be a nurse's aid which he let lapse; he is brilliant, multi-lingual, and articulate. He is also diagnosed as mentally ill and receiving SSI because of inability to work.This was a constant refrain, resistance to getting help. But maybe 8 months ago he did go to residential treatment and again a month ago for a short time but insurance would not cover it. He is resistant to getting therapy locally.</p><p></p><p>On the one hand he believes he is changing and is proud of himself.</p><p></p><p>On the other, like your step-son, he believes his problems are intractable and cannot be overcome. My son believes he is worthless and defective because he was born to drug addicted parents (not me). His self-disgust centers around his perfectly gorgeous appearance. He believes he is profoundly unattractive, even deformed and that no woman will ever love him, even though I am told by his best friend that women flock to him--but are turned off when he starts talking about his depression!</p><p> I agree with this.</p><p></p><p>The problem I have is that he will not get a place by himself to live, even though he can get subsidized housing. It is if he has a fear of striking out on his own, by his own volition. He will go homeless, I fear, if I push him entirely away. He was either homeless or drifting for the four years that he left our area. For him, marijuana became habitual. We hate it. He sees no problem.</p><p></p><p>In this sense your son has several key important attributes that my son lacks so far: he works; he lives independently; he has interests that sustain him. These are hugely important.</p><p>This is my perspective too. It has proven to be singularly ineffective with my son. Increasingly I am facing that his mental illness manifests in a lack of motivation and perhaps, in dependency and a lack of the volition to be a self-starter in the kinds of ways that building a career (or a life, as if I lived my own) necessitates.</p><p></p><p>Still, I want him to be productive in the way that he can be. But what I want really does not factor into the equation.</p><p></p><p>I do not want to enable his dependency, but I want to support him. It is hard to find a middle ground. I also worry about what will be when I die.</p><p></p><p>In your situation because your step-son is independent, working, and has meaningful interests--there is no issue with enabling--and by my perspective...he is on track. Your son will I believe gradually take on activities and interests and responsibilities, in his own time.</p><p></p><p>You do not mention the nature of his "break-down" but the effects cannot be minimized. I fell apart after my mother died 3 and a half years ago, almost. I am only now coming out of it. And I have been a fully functioning adult for many years. Imagine how hard it would be for a young male to feel as if the bottom dropped out of his life, and he lost control and confidence.</p><p> I endorse this.</p><p></p><p>I was very goal directed and goal oriented and it served me in some ways but not in all. From the vantage point of age, I can see that there are many ways to live a life, and most are credible, and nearly all can be meaningful.</p><p></p><p>I am struggling with the same kinds of issues as you: how much am I imposing my own values on him? is it right to be pushing and guiding another adult? Am I the person who needs to change? Am I imposing my own life map on him which would be unfair and cruel?</p><p></p><p>I posted all of this about US because I am dealing with it right now, and to share that you are not alone. Take care. I hope you keep posting.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 708015, member: 18958"] Hi ame. We have similar issues. My son is now 28. We have been doing this for almost 8 years for sure, maybe more. I had to push my son to do anything productive and none of it worked long term. His longest job was about 15 months. He completed a year of college, but marginally. And he finished a Job Corps program, because I would not let him come home, if he did not. Ten years later I am still pushing. But I am doubting myself. My son is maturing some but he is not motivated to work or to do anything productive for himself. (Left to his own devices he will smoke marijuana, run out of his SSI money, go to movies every day, and read conspiracy theory websites.) He will however help us. But we have gotten to the point where we largely do not ask him to help us as he uses it as an excuse to not do for himself. He had a certification to be a nurse's aid which he let lapse; he is brilliant, multi-lingual, and articulate. He is also diagnosed as mentally ill and receiving SSI because of inability to work.This was a constant refrain, resistance to getting help. But maybe 8 months ago he did go to residential treatment and again a month ago for a short time but insurance would not cover it. He is resistant to getting therapy locally. On the one hand he believes he is changing and is proud of himself. On the other, like your step-son, he believes his problems are intractable and cannot be overcome. My son believes he is worthless and defective because he was born to drug addicted parents (not me). His self-disgust centers around his perfectly gorgeous appearance. He believes he is profoundly unattractive, even deformed and that no woman will ever love him, even though I am told by his best friend that women flock to him--but are turned off when he starts talking about his depression! I agree with this. The problem I have is that he will not get a place by himself to live, even though he can get subsidized housing. It is if he has a fear of striking out on his own, by his own volition. He will go homeless, I fear, if I push him entirely away. He was either homeless or drifting for the four years that he left our area. For him, marijuana became habitual. We hate it. He sees no problem. In this sense your son has several key important attributes that my son lacks so far: he works; he lives independently; he has interests that sustain him. These are hugely important. This is my perspective too. It has proven to be singularly ineffective with my son. Increasingly I am facing that his mental illness manifests in a lack of motivation and perhaps, in dependency and a lack of the volition to be a self-starter in the kinds of ways that building a career (or a life, as if I lived my own) necessitates. Still, I want him to be productive in the way that he can be. But what I want really does not factor into the equation. I do not want to enable his dependency, but I want to support him. It is hard to find a middle ground. I also worry about what will be when I die. In your situation because your step-son is independent, working, and has meaningful interests--there is no issue with enabling--and by my perspective...he is on track. Your son will I believe gradually take on activities and interests and responsibilities, in his own time. You do not mention the nature of his "break-down" but the effects cannot be minimized. I fell apart after my mother died 3 and a half years ago, almost. I am only now coming out of it. And I have been a fully functioning adult for many years. Imagine how hard it would be for a young male to feel as if the bottom dropped out of his life, and he lost control and confidence. I endorse this. I was very goal directed and goal oriented and it served me in some ways but not in all. From the vantage point of age, I can see that there are many ways to live a life, and most are credible, and nearly all can be meaningful. I am struggling with the same kinds of issues as you: how much am I imposing my own values on him? is it right to be pushing and guiding another adult? Am I the person who needs to change? Am I imposing my own life map on him which would be unfair and cruel? I posted all of this about US because I am dealing with it right now, and to share that you are not alone. Take care. I hope you keep posting. [/QUOTE]
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Son 22 years old with-no direction
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