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son back in jail update
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 737793" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Acacia, I am so sorry for your troubles with your son. You and I have a similar challenge, how to remove ourselves from the emotional pitfalls of two adult children off the rails.</p><p>That is what I am concentrating on, for my own self preservation. </p><p>Be it mental illness or drug addiction, these adult kids of ours know how to reel us in, use our love and despair over their own consequences to keep us entrenched and weakened.</p><p> This amounts to abuse. </p><p>That does hurt, a lot. </p><p>It does not surprise me that your son would take advantage of you when you are faced with health issues and recovery. I have come to realize that my two in their present state of mind and times in the past, see me as an opportunity. I am not a beloved parent in their eyes. If I don’t give them what they want, I am a terrible person to them. If I stand up for myself, and for what is right, it is wrong in their book. </p><p>My two also blame me for their choices and consequences. Acacia, you know that is a load of bunk. Adults have free will to choose as they do. It is an easy thing to place blame on a parent, for them, <em>not so much for us</em>.</p><p>We grieve over their choices and struggle with their outbursts and misplaced rage. We have both worked hard towards healing, and although I come across strong in my posts, I feel wrecked at times too. I believe that is because grief cycles like the tides. It is renewed with each incident our adult children get themselves into, and try to throw our way. It is harder still when grands are involved. My three are living with their paternal grandparents, their choice.That is another bridge to cross where grief is concerned.</p><p>And so it is. </p><p>Tough stuff to deal with.</p><p>I think it is important to honor our feelings, to let them flow through us, then pick ourselves up and move forward. Being a parent of wayward adult children is a challenge.</p><p>I am reminding myself as I write to you.</p><p>Do not see yourself through their twisted interpretations.</p><p>Yes, they are our children and we will always love them and be affected by their words, choices and consequences.</p><p>We don’t have to be <em>infected</em> by them. They are ill in their heads and hearts. They have a distorted world view, and do not walk this earth in the manner we raised them. They feel entitled, are not appreciative, don’t see the hurt they cause others and don’t care.</p><p>That in itself is a hard pill to swallow, but it is the truth. They are not the little children we raised, they grew up and made choices.</p><p>If my two continue to choose to try to take advantage of me, then I will keep them at arms length. Self preservation. I will always love them, but am wary of their intentions towards me. They have shown me too many times that I have to react with my head <em>and not my heart.</em></p><p>That takes work. Yes, I backslide. I am learning that just the same as addicts have to work at recovery <em>always</em>, so do their loved ones.</p><p>It is stressful and strenuous, but not impossible to rise above.</p><p>I am glad you are at respite with your sister. </p><p>Forgive me, but your son being back in jail relieves you of the worry of him tying to get back in your home.</p><p> Sigh. </p><p>My Tornado is in jail as well. Curiosity got the best of me and I accepted a call from her, she is raging to get out. I will not bail her out, nor accept another call. It is more of the same old, same old. “Not her fault, what kind of person leaves their kid in jail..........”</p><p>I hope she gets the help she needs in there. Hope without expectations.</p><p>The call set me back, I won’t deny that. But, I refuse to let it wreck me. I am working through those feelings. She has been no contact for almost a year. Managed to blurt out in the minute call that she has been fending for herself on the streets and “You guys didn’t even come and look for me!</p><p>Do you even effing care or what?”</p><p>That rang through my head.</p><p>I have to remind myself how <em>illogical</em> that is. </p><p>She knows where I live. </p><p>It is her choice to live on the streets and use meth.</p><p>But somehow, in her mind that is <em>my fault. </em>Trying to trigger that old<em> fog machine. </em>I have to work hard at turning that dang thing off. </p><p>It is not easy. It keeps coming back to haunt me. </p><p>Sigh. </p><p>Lots of work to do.</p><p>We matter, all of us do. We are not rugs to be tread upon. </p><p>I hope that you are able to relax and heal your arm and your aching heart. </p><p>Stress is an awful thing, damaging to our health. Find ways to redirect your thoughts, to relieve yourself of this heavy load. </p><p>It is not yours to bear. It is your sons.</p><p>I will work on it too, Acacia. </p><p>We can do this. </p><p>Life is too short to allow another adult to take us for granted.</p><p>Even if they are our children. </p><p>They need to learn to own their choices.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 737793, member: 19522"] Hi Acacia, I am so sorry for your troubles with your son. You and I have a similar challenge, how to remove ourselves from the emotional pitfalls of two adult children off the rails. That is what I am concentrating on, for my own self preservation. Be it mental illness or drug addiction, these adult kids of ours know how to reel us in, use our love and despair over their own consequences to keep us entrenched and weakened. This amounts to abuse. That does hurt, a lot. It does not surprise me that your son would take advantage of you when you are faced with health issues and recovery. I have come to realize that my two in their present state of mind and times in the past, see me as an opportunity. I am not a beloved parent in their eyes. If I don’t give them what they want, I am a terrible person to them. If I stand up for myself, and for what is right, it is wrong in their book. My two also blame me for their choices and consequences. Acacia, you know that is a load of bunk. Adults have free will to choose as they do. It is an easy thing to place blame on a parent, for them, [I]not so much for us[/I]. We grieve over their choices and struggle with their outbursts and misplaced rage. We have both worked hard towards healing, and although I come across strong in my posts, I feel wrecked at times too. I believe that is because grief cycles like the tides. It is renewed with each incident our adult children get themselves into, and try to throw our way. It is harder still when grands are involved. My three are living with their paternal grandparents, their choice.That is another bridge to cross where grief is concerned. And so it is. Tough stuff to deal with. I think it is important to honor our feelings, to let them flow through us, then pick ourselves up and move forward. Being a parent of wayward adult children is a challenge. I am reminding myself as I write to you. Do not see yourself through their twisted interpretations. Yes, they are our children and we will always love them and be affected by their words, choices and consequences. We don’t have to be [I]infected[/I] by them. They are ill in their heads and hearts. They have a distorted world view, and do not walk this earth in the manner we raised them. They feel entitled, are not appreciative, don’t see the hurt they cause others and don’t care. That in itself is a hard pill to swallow, but it is the truth. They are not the little children we raised, they grew up and made choices. If my two continue to choose to try to take advantage of me, then I will keep them at arms length. Self preservation. I will always love them, but am wary of their intentions towards me. They have shown me too many times that I have to react with my head [I]and not my heart.[/I] That takes work. Yes, I backslide. I am learning that just the same as addicts have to work at recovery [I]always[/I], so do their loved ones. It is stressful and strenuous, but not impossible to rise above. I am glad you are at respite with your sister. Forgive me, but your son being back in jail relieves you of the worry of him tying to get back in your home. Sigh. My Tornado is in jail as well. Curiosity got the best of me and I accepted a call from her, she is raging to get out. I will not bail her out, nor accept another call. It is more of the same old, same old. “Not her fault, what kind of person leaves their kid in jail..........” I hope she gets the help she needs in there. Hope without expectations. The call set me back, I won’t deny that. But, I refuse to let it wreck me. I am working through those feelings. She has been no contact for almost a year. Managed to blurt out in the minute call that she has been fending for herself on the streets and “You guys didn’t even come and look for me! Do you even effing care or what?” That rang through my head. I have to remind myself how [I]illogical[/I] that is. She knows where I live. It is her choice to live on the streets and use meth. But somehow, in her mind that is [I]my fault. [/I]Trying to trigger[I] [/I]that[I] [/I]old[I] fog machine. [/I]I have to work hard at turning that dang thing off.[I] [/I] It is not easy. It keeps coming back to haunt me. Sigh. Lots of work to do. We matter, all of us do. We are not rugs to be tread upon. I hope that you are able to relax and heal your arm and your aching heart. Stress is an awful thing, damaging to our health. Find ways to redirect your thoughts, to relieve yourself of this heavy load. It is not yours to bear. It is your sons. I will work on it too, Acacia. We can do this. Life is too short to allow another adult to take us for granted. Even if they are our children. They need to learn to own their choices. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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