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Son kicked out of the house and my wife enabling him - What do I do?
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 366101" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>Hi Alex, and welcome. Glad you found us.</p><p></p><p>I can only give you my take on this based on my own marriage. In the last 13 years, there have been some points when one or the other of us has been sorely tempted to take a walk based solely on the discord that dealing with our difficult child brought into the marriage. While we've occasionally been on the same page when it comes to him, most of the time my husband and I have not even been in the same library. At the very lowest point, when I was looking for an apartment for the other 2 kids and my pregnant self, so that husband could deal with- difficult child the way he saw fit, the light bulb finally turned on for both of us. Sappy as it is, we really do love each other but more than that, we like each and enjoy (for the most part) our life together. We were giving our then 6-year-old son ridiculous amounts of power by allowing his behaviors to drive a wedge between husband and me. It was for the most part a turning point. Not to say it's been all hearts and roses since, because we rarely hit the same emotions regarding our difficult child at the same time, but we kind of just ended up agreeing to disagree. Whichever parent felt most strongly generally gets to dictate how any given situation with- our son will be handled. </p><p></p><p>So, to my eye, just based on my experience, you're dealing with- 2 problems. I think you've handled the situation with- your son about as well as you can. Zero tolerance re: drugs is not an unreasonable expectation (and you're just going to have to joint the "My Kid Thinks I'm Rotten and Unreasonable" Club <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" />). in my humble opinion, inviting a 20-year-old to fend for himself if he refuses to comply with- basic rules in order to live at home (a privilege at this point, not a right) is also perfectly reasonable.</p><p></p><p>As far as your wife... I have to say I understand how she feels (and my husband would understand too - we've both been there but of course never at the same time). It's hard to tell our kids to get on with their lives when it's pretty obvious they have no intention of doing so. I have to say I think it's very positive that she didn't fight his eviction. That's actually pretty huge. Her giving him cash is a problem in my humble opinion, especially with the drug use, but a possible compromise would be her buying groceries, or whatever he tells her that $$ is going towards. Yes, it's still enabling but at the same time it's also taking back some control and setting some limits. It's also giving her a chance to work on coming to grips with- the fact that your son isn't going to follow the hoped-for path you guys had for him. </p><p></p><p>In the interest of fair disclosure, I will admit that I pay for my son's cell phone, and I have paid 1 month's rent (paid directly to landlord). husband was not thrilled but since it is no longer an option for our son to return home to live, and husband knew that his life would be miserable with me if son became homeless in the dead of winter, he gave me the old "Yes, dear" and let it go. The cell phone is so that I have some way of making sure he's still alive, if only thru his daily updates he makes on myspace via his cell. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> When he showed up after a 4-month absence gaunt and obviously malnourished, we did agree that we would buy him groceries. No cash - never cash.</p><p></p><p>I think it's a matter of picking your battles and trying to keep an eye on the big picture. Only you can know if your wife's difficulty in detaching from your son and his choices is a big enough hurdle to make you leave the marriage.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, just my thoughts.... Again, welcome and I'm glad you found us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 366101, member: 8"] Hi Alex, and welcome. Glad you found us. I can only give you my take on this based on my own marriage. In the last 13 years, there have been some points when one or the other of us has been sorely tempted to take a walk based solely on the discord that dealing with our difficult child brought into the marriage. While we've occasionally been on the same page when it comes to him, most of the time my husband and I have not even been in the same library. At the very lowest point, when I was looking for an apartment for the other 2 kids and my pregnant self, so that husband could deal with- difficult child the way he saw fit, the light bulb finally turned on for both of us. Sappy as it is, we really do love each other but more than that, we like each and enjoy (for the most part) our life together. We were giving our then 6-year-old son ridiculous amounts of power by allowing his behaviors to drive a wedge between husband and me. It was for the most part a turning point. Not to say it's been all hearts and roses since, because we rarely hit the same emotions regarding our difficult child at the same time, but we kind of just ended up agreeing to disagree. Whichever parent felt most strongly generally gets to dictate how any given situation with- our son will be handled. So, to my eye, just based on my experience, you're dealing with- 2 problems. I think you've handled the situation with- your son about as well as you can. Zero tolerance re: drugs is not an unreasonable expectation (and you're just going to have to joint the "My Kid Thinks I'm Rotten and Unreasonable" Club :winking:). in my humble opinion, inviting a 20-year-old to fend for himself if he refuses to comply with- basic rules in order to live at home (a privilege at this point, not a right) is also perfectly reasonable. As far as your wife... I have to say I understand how she feels (and my husband would understand too - we've both been there but of course never at the same time). It's hard to tell our kids to get on with their lives when it's pretty obvious they have no intention of doing so. I have to say I think it's very positive that she didn't fight his eviction. That's actually pretty huge. Her giving him cash is a problem in my humble opinion, especially with the drug use, but a possible compromise would be her buying groceries, or whatever he tells her that $$ is going towards. Yes, it's still enabling but at the same time it's also taking back some control and setting some limits. It's also giving her a chance to work on coming to grips with- the fact that your son isn't going to follow the hoped-for path you guys had for him. In the interest of fair disclosure, I will admit that I pay for my son's cell phone, and I have paid 1 month's rent (paid directly to landlord). husband was not thrilled but since it is no longer an option for our son to return home to live, and husband knew that his life would be miserable with me if son became homeless in the dead of winter, he gave me the old "Yes, dear" and let it go. The cell phone is so that I have some way of making sure he's still alive, if only thru his daily updates he makes on myspace via his cell. :winking: When he showed up after a 4-month absence gaunt and obviously malnourished, we did agree that we would buy him groceries. No cash - never cash. I think it's a matter of picking your battles and trying to keep an eye on the big picture. Only you can know if your wife's difficulty in detaching from your son and his choices is a big enough hurdle to make you leave the marriage. Anyway, just my thoughts.... Again, welcome and I'm glad you found us. [/QUOTE]
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