Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Son kicked out of the house and my wife enabling him - What do I do?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 366111" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I think your stance is entirely reasonable and I understand your wife's position also. I think you AND your wife need to see a counselor and to attend Narc-Anon and/or Al-Anon. I strongly recommend both the group and the therapist. The therapist can help each of you work individually on your feelings and help you see the other person's point of view. They can also help you through the rocky points in other areas of the marriage. The group will give you other people in the same boat and let you see how they handled things AND that their children did not usually die from being left to their own devices. (I am pretty sure on some level your wife feels your son will die if he lives on his own - it is a very common fear among parents with drug and/or alcohol addicted children.) You will also learn which family habits and patterns contributed to your son's problems and enabled them, so that you can learn healthier ways. I am NOT saying that his problems are your fault. Far from it. But addiction is a sickness that infects the entire family, including siblings, parents, grandparents, even aunts, uncles and cousins. You and your wife may have learned habits that are related to addiction if you had a parent or even a grandparent with an addiction issue.</p><p></p><p>Your son may also have other problems. After he is sober and clean he will have to face them and get help if he wants to stay clean and sober. Until he is clean there is no point in addressing other problems. I suggest other problems because ODD is a symptom of many things but is almost never a diagnosis in and of itself. It describes behaviors but gives no clue as to cause or treatment. A real disorder or diagnosis gives at least some direction as to how to treat or help the problem. Many times ODD goes away when the underlying problem is treated properly. ODD is about the smallest of your issues though.</p><p></p><p>I know your wife must be terrified of what your son is doing. Having him live at home is her way of at least knowing he is alive every day. Every time he leaves the house part of her (and probably of you) is afraid that he will either get into an accident and die, upset the wrong person and die, or be in the wrong place and die, or overdose and die. It is overwhelming and can completely chase common sense and what is right out of your mind and actions. Narc Anon or Al Anon will help her with this.</p><p></p><p>In the meantime you need to set some guidelines that you both follow. You have the right to have son out of the house. As his mother she has the right to help him. She has to realize that every single penny she gives him goes to put drugs into his body. If she buys him food he can use the money he would have used for food to get drugs. If she pays rent or a hotel room for a night he then has whatever he would have used for rent to buy drugs. Giving him groceries instead of cash, or paying the rent to the landlord may be something she can handle doing for now. She could at least reassure herself that he wasn't taking money from her hands and giving it straight to his dealer. When you talk, try to be descriptive and make her SEE that giving him cash is the same as crushing the pills and blowing them up his nose, or injecting them into his arm for him. It IS going to hurt her, but less than having him die from taking drugs he bought with money she gave him.</p><p></p><p>You are both going to have to compromise. I think that paying for school is a waste of time and money because he probably is polluted when he is in class and his brain is not really able to learn then. on the other hand, if he goes he might try to be sober so it might give him something to be sober for. Depends on how he sees it, and probably on how he sells it to your wife. I would say that given his GPA it would be reasonable to pay half of his tuition if he pays the other half. He has to show you the CASH for the tuition before you pay it though. Or show you a money order or certified check. A check he writes is likely a lie, just as telling you he paid it is. Even receipts can be forged. </p><p></p><p>Maybe you and your wife can set a budget for how much she is allowed to help him. Whether she gives it to him all at once or a little at a time would be up to her, but only a set amount per pay period. Maybe if she chooses to give him more she has to give up having her hair done or going somewhere or buying new clothes or something. It will take a while before she can handle cutting him off completely and this would be a way to compromise while not cutting her out of your life also. Unless you really want a divorce, that is. In time a therapist and NarcAnon will help her move toward the view that giving him even a stick of gum is the same as buying that much $$ worth of drugs and pouring them down his throat. Just be adamant that anything she does for him is NOT in the form of giving him cash or a check. Take the $$ to the utility co or landlord or whatever. Don't do giftcards. They would be convenient for YOU but they are easily sold for cash. Just yesterday a guy in Target asked me to let him pay for my purchases and to give him the cash. He said he had gotten a giftcard for a birthday and they didn't have the game he wanted to buy so he wanted the money. I have no clue if he was really wanting a game or he wanted the money to buy drugs or to pay his rent. Don't care. I just don't ever do that because it feels wrong and because many many druggies do this. (I also had three dollars worth of stuff so it would have been a hassle for nothing.)</p><p></p><p>Think long and hard if your marriage is worth ending over your son's addictions. It is up to you. For some people it just goes too far and it does destroy the love and trust. Others are able to work through it. Regardless of what you choose, being in the "Terrible Father Club" is a big neon billboard saying that you are doing exactly the right thing. No matter how awful it feels. Your wife won't agree now, but once she has conquered her fear and codependence she will see it. (She is almost certainly dealing with issues of codependency with your son. His addiction rules her happiness in many ways. It is also a sickness and it is heartbreaking to watch.)</p><p></p><p>You will find much valuable info on our Teens and Substance Abuse forum and archives, and also in the Parent Emeritus forum and archives. Search the site for "detachment" and you will find many helpful things also. </p><p></p><p>If you go to a therapist and the fit isn't right try another. It can take a few tries to find someone that both of you can work with. When my husband and I went for some help we made appointments with 3 therapists and saw each of them before we chose one to continue with. It was very helpful. NarcAnon and AlAnon each tell you to try meetings in several times and locations before you decide it doesn't work. Even if one feels perfect it is helpful to try others because more than one may be helpful and each group has its own dynamic. When meetings are labeled "closed" it does not mean you need permission to attend. It means you must have a loved one with a substance or alcohol problem. AA and AlAnon say alcohol but recognize drugs also (meaning that if your son only used drugs you could still go to AlAnon closed meetings, or at least that is the way it is in every group I have attended.). If the meeting is labeled "open" it means that those who are curious but do not have a loved one can attend. Sometimes the psychology majors at our university go to these meetings to learn more about them and about addiction. I don't know if it happens everywhere, but it could. They still have to abide by the rules - esp anonymity and what is said/done in a meeting stays in the meeting.</p><p></p><p>Keep coming here. We do understand and we don't judge. </p><p></p><p>(((hugs)))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 366111, member: 1233"] I think your stance is entirely reasonable and I understand your wife's position also. I think you AND your wife need to see a counselor and to attend Narc-Anon and/or Al-Anon. I strongly recommend both the group and the therapist. The therapist can help each of you work individually on your feelings and help you see the other person's point of view. They can also help you through the rocky points in other areas of the marriage. The group will give you other people in the same boat and let you see how they handled things AND that their children did not usually die from being left to their own devices. (I am pretty sure on some level your wife feels your son will die if he lives on his own - it is a very common fear among parents with drug and/or alcohol addicted children.) You will also learn which family habits and patterns contributed to your son's problems and enabled them, so that you can learn healthier ways. I am NOT saying that his problems are your fault. Far from it. But addiction is a sickness that infects the entire family, including siblings, parents, grandparents, even aunts, uncles and cousins. You and your wife may have learned habits that are related to addiction if you had a parent or even a grandparent with an addiction issue. Your son may also have other problems. After he is sober and clean he will have to face them and get help if he wants to stay clean and sober. Until he is clean there is no point in addressing other problems. I suggest other problems because ODD is a symptom of many things but is almost never a diagnosis in and of itself. It describes behaviors but gives no clue as to cause or treatment. A real disorder or diagnosis gives at least some direction as to how to treat or help the problem. Many times ODD goes away when the underlying problem is treated properly. ODD is about the smallest of your issues though. I know your wife must be terrified of what your son is doing. Having him live at home is her way of at least knowing he is alive every day. Every time he leaves the house part of her (and probably of you) is afraid that he will either get into an accident and die, upset the wrong person and die, or be in the wrong place and die, or overdose and die. It is overwhelming and can completely chase common sense and what is right out of your mind and actions. Narc Anon or Al Anon will help her with this. In the meantime you need to set some guidelines that you both follow. You have the right to have son out of the house. As his mother she has the right to help him. She has to realize that every single penny she gives him goes to put drugs into his body. If she buys him food he can use the money he would have used for food to get drugs. If she pays rent or a hotel room for a night he then has whatever he would have used for rent to buy drugs. Giving him groceries instead of cash, or paying the rent to the landlord may be something she can handle doing for now. She could at least reassure herself that he wasn't taking money from her hands and giving it straight to his dealer. When you talk, try to be descriptive and make her SEE that giving him cash is the same as crushing the pills and blowing them up his nose, or injecting them into his arm for him. It IS going to hurt her, but less than having him die from taking drugs he bought with money she gave him. You are both going to have to compromise. I think that paying for school is a waste of time and money because he probably is polluted when he is in class and his brain is not really able to learn then. on the other hand, if he goes he might try to be sober so it might give him something to be sober for. Depends on how he sees it, and probably on how he sells it to your wife. I would say that given his GPA it would be reasonable to pay half of his tuition if he pays the other half. He has to show you the CASH for the tuition before you pay it though. Or show you a money order or certified check. A check he writes is likely a lie, just as telling you he paid it is. Even receipts can be forged. Maybe you and your wife can set a budget for how much she is allowed to help him. Whether she gives it to him all at once or a little at a time would be up to her, but only a set amount per pay period. Maybe if she chooses to give him more she has to give up having her hair done or going somewhere or buying new clothes or something. It will take a while before she can handle cutting him off completely and this would be a way to compromise while not cutting her out of your life also. Unless you really want a divorce, that is. In time a therapist and NarcAnon will help her move toward the view that giving him even a stick of gum is the same as buying that much $$ worth of drugs and pouring them down his throat. Just be adamant that anything she does for him is NOT in the form of giving him cash or a check. Take the $$ to the utility co or landlord or whatever. Don't do giftcards. They would be convenient for YOU but they are easily sold for cash. Just yesterday a guy in Target asked me to let him pay for my purchases and to give him the cash. He said he had gotten a giftcard for a birthday and they didn't have the game he wanted to buy so he wanted the money. I have no clue if he was really wanting a game or he wanted the money to buy drugs or to pay his rent. Don't care. I just don't ever do that because it feels wrong and because many many druggies do this. (I also had three dollars worth of stuff so it would have been a hassle for nothing.) Think long and hard if your marriage is worth ending over your son's addictions. It is up to you. For some people it just goes too far and it does destroy the love and trust. Others are able to work through it. Regardless of what you choose, being in the "Terrible Father Club" is a big neon billboard saying that you are doing exactly the right thing. No matter how awful it feels. Your wife won't agree now, but once she has conquered her fear and codependence she will see it. (She is almost certainly dealing with issues of codependency with your son. His addiction rules her happiness in many ways. It is also a sickness and it is heartbreaking to watch.) You will find much valuable info on our Teens and Substance Abuse forum and archives, and also in the Parent Emeritus forum and archives. Search the site for "detachment" and you will find many helpful things also. If you go to a therapist and the fit isn't right try another. It can take a few tries to find someone that both of you can work with. When my husband and I went for some help we made appointments with 3 therapists and saw each of them before we chose one to continue with. It was very helpful. NarcAnon and AlAnon each tell you to try meetings in several times and locations before you decide it doesn't work. Even if one feels perfect it is helpful to try others because more than one may be helpful and each group has its own dynamic. When meetings are labeled "closed" it does not mean you need permission to attend. It means you must have a loved one with a substance or alcohol problem. AA and AlAnon say alcohol but recognize drugs also (meaning that if your son only used drugs you could still go to AlAnon closed meetings, or at least that is the way it is in every group I have attended.). If the meeting is labeled "open" it means that those who are curious but do not have a loved one can attend. Sometimes the psychology majors at our university go to these meetings to learn more about them and about addiction. I don't know if it happens everywhere, but it could. They still have to abide by the rules - esp anonymity and what is said/done in a meeting stays in the meeting. Keep coming here. We do understand and we don't judge. (((hugs))) [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Son kicked out of the house and my wife enabling him - What do I do?
Top