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son laying guilt - he's great at it!
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 679448" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Ah, rebelson. Your post sounds like my life with Difficult Child. Exactly. Could have written it. You're not alone here with any of it. We so understand. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Okay, now you have said it. You have clearly said it. Now, can you stop? You are 100 percent right about him. You already know that. You have told him and told him and told him. You are just repeating yourself and you are repeating what he already knows.</p><p></p><p>The energy he spends engaging with you is to deflect himself from his real life. The one he and only he has decided to live. </p><p></p><p>Like my son, he had every opportunity. Every opportunity. A fully paid for college education with full parental financial assistance. My son and your son decided to throw all of that away. And I don't know about you, but I gave my son multiple chances, many many chances, until I finally learned my lesson. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Get off the merry-go-round. We perpetuate the circular nonsense by engaging in it. Step back. Step way way back. You call yourself a "softy." Well, that is true, we moms love our kids and we want them to have every possible chance. Right? But a softy becomes something else in time...their punching bag and their Chief Enabler. I was, for my son. It sounds like you might be, too. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It doesn't matter what other people do or don't do, if they are tough with him or they are soft with them. He will still mess that up as long as he is using. It doesn't matter how smart he is, how intellectual he is, how hard-working he is, how sweet he is, what a good heart he has. None of that matters and all of our kids have good qualities. Until he stops using, this is what he will do, over and over and over again.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Of course you did. You sound like you have been a great mom. This is not about you. It is about him and his addictions and his choices. </p><p></p><p>So...what to do? The only answer is to work on yourself. You are of course exhausted and frustrated and grief-stricken and scared. Fear ruled me for years about my precious son and fear was the reason I did so many things that ended up perpetuating the insanity. When I WAS responsible was not in my mothering of him, the past, but in my behavior when his addiction progressed (it is a progressive disease and only gets worse) because the worse he got, the more I tried. I was convinced that Mother Love would save him.</p><p></p><p>Some thoughts:</p><p></p><p>1. Stop. Change one thing about your relationship with him today. It could be that you decide not to take or respond to any calls, text, messages for at least 24 hours. Wait. It will kill you, the first few times, but it pays tremendous dividends. I learned that there is no emergency when it comes to him unless he is bleeding and then that's what 911 is for. Other people will call. It doesn't have to be us.</p><p></p><p>2. Start working on you. Have you read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? Wonderful, wonderful book and actual "primer" on how we are contributing to an addict's decline. It is great for we enablers to see ourselves clearly described on those pages. </p><p></p><p>3. Do at least one kind thing for yourself every single day? Take a walk, take a nap, buy fresh flowers for your kitchen table. Anything small or large. Start valuing yourself more than you do him.</p><p></p><p>4. Consider going to an Al-Anon meeting. Al-Anon changed my life and taught me how to step away from my son's addiction. I truly believe that my stepping away was one big reason he had the space and time to begin to see himself more clearly and hit the bottom he needed to hit in order to start the hard work of change. We will not be their Savior here, I firmly believe. We have to get out of the way in order for them to finally learn how to become functioning adults. Now, there is no guarantee that this will happen, and in many cases, it doesn't, but creating some time and space allows a chance for it to happen.</p><p></p><p>Please know that we are here for you. You will get great support and encouragement here. We so understand. Warm hugs today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 679448, member: 17542"] Ah, rebelson. Your post sounds like my life with Difficult Child. Exactly. Could have written it. You're not alone here with any of it. We so understand. Okay, now you have said it. You have clearly said it. Now, can you stop? You are 100 percent right about him. You already know that. You have told him and told him and told him. You are just repeating yourself and you are repeating what he already knows. The energy he spends engaging with you is to deflect himself from his real life. The one he and only he has decided to live. Like my son, he had every opportunity. Every opportunity. A fully paid for college education with full parental financial assistance. My son and your son decided to throw all of that away. And I don't know about you, but I gave my son multiple chances, many many chances, until I finally learned my lesson. Get off the merry-go-round. We perpetuate the circular nonsense by engaging in it. Step back. Step way way back. You call yourself a "softy." Well, that is true, we moms love our kids and we want them to have every possible chance. Right? But a softy becomes something else in time...their punching bag and their Chief Enabler. I was, for my son. It sounds like you might be, too. It doesn't matter what other people do or don't do, if they are tough with him or they are soft with them. He will still mess that up as long as he is using. It doesn't matter how smart he is, how intellectual he is, how hard-working he is, how sweet he is, what a good heart he has. None of that matters and all of our kids have good qualities. Until he stops using, this is what he will do, over and over and over again. Of course you did. You sound like you have been a great mom. This is not about you. It is about him and his addictions and his choices. So...what to do? The only answer is to work on yourself. You are of course exhausted and frustrated and grief-stricken and scared. Fear ruled me for years about my precious son and fear was the reason I did so many things that ended up perpetuating the insanity. When I WAS responsible was not in my mothering of him, the past, but in my behavior when his addiction progressed (it is a progressive disease and only gets worse) because the worse he got, the more I tried. I was convinced that Mother Love would save him. Some thoughts: 1. Stop. Change one thing about your relationship with him today. It could be that you decide not to take or respond to any calls, text, messages for at least 24 hours. Wait. It will kill you, the first few times, but it pays tremendous dividends. I learned that there is no emergency when it comes to him unless he is bleeding and then that's what 911 is for. Other people will call. It doesn't have to be us. 2. Start working on you. Have you read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? Wonderful, wonderful book and actual "primer" on how we are contributing to an addict's decline. It is great for we enablers to see ourselves clearly described on those pages. 3. Do at least one kind thing for yourself every single day? Take a walk, take a nap, buy fresh flowers for your kitchen table. Anything small or large. Start valuing yourself more than you do him. 4. Consider going to an Al-Anon meeting. Al-Anon changed my life and taught me how to step away from my son's addiction. I truly believe that my stepping away was one big reason he had the space and time to begin to see himself more clearly and hit the bottom he needed to hit in order to start the hard work of change. We will not be their Savior here, I firmly believe. We have to get out of the way in order for them to finally learn how to become functioning adults. Now, there is no guarantee that this will happen, and in many cases, it doesn't, but creating some time and space allows a chance for it to happen. Please know that we are here for you. You will get great support and encouragement here. We so understand. Warm hugs today. [/QUOTE]
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son laying guilt - he's great at it!
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