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Message: <blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 765487" data-attributes="member: 19522">I happened upon a podcast group of recovering addicts called the hopeaholics. In one episode they talk about how the disease lies to them and places blame on everyone else, putting them in a “selfish victim mentality mode.” I feel that unfortunately this is where Tornado is at. Tornados eldest came over today on a rare visit with his wife and three, yes three children. He was just 14 when we found out his 16 year old girlfriend was pregnant. That was in 2018. In the summer of 2019, he and his siblings ended up coming to live with me after bouncing back and forth most of their lives because of their parents drug use. I held my youngest great grandson (just 3 months old) his 1 year old brother playing quietly (yup, do the math) as I listened to my 4 year old great granddaughter exclaim “I go to my tutus house a lot because mom and dad always fight.” I looked at my grandson and said “This is how you grew up, you do not have to follow in your parents footsteps.”I thought back to when my grands were little and how they would burst into my house, they were wild and rascally, I called them my hooligans. It was not their fault that their parents chose drugs, yet they had to deal with the consequences. Removed from their parents as babies, hubs and I took them in while Tornado and Volcano went to court ordered parenting and anger management classes, drug testing. As soon as they were placed back with their parents and CPS took a backseat, the drug use stepped up along with years of instability for my grands.Generational trauma is what visited me today. I hope that my grandson will understand how insidiously that passes down and slips through the crevices of unresolved lingering pain. This is what we have lived through with active addiction. Watching helplessly as drugs take down not only my two daughters, but also seeing the negative affect on my three grandchildren, and now passed on to my great grands. Am I mad? Yup. The memories. The injuries my grands suffered for lack of parental care, physical, emotional and mental. It’s too much. I do understand that it is too much for Tornado to bear as well, and the guilt is another driving factor for her drug use. Thank you NewlifeShe has gone back to square one this time around. Excuses and blame. No promises, accept that she will continue to be unpredictable. Maybe it is the truth. Maybe she is telling me how she feels and not what she knows I want to hear. I am done until she decides to get help. I told her a long time ago that I would be there if she quit using.Thank you Copa. That’s the thing that makes my head spin. It’s difficult to toss emotions on the side and try to keep my wits about. Yes, it’s me, or is it me? Should I engage, or shouldn’t I? Round and round we go. That’s exactly how I interpreted her rant. She is smart and knows how to weave in and out. I feel she is in survival mode at this point. But, she is also not sugar coating anything. She is not feeding me with promises.It is all very one sided for sure. If I try to explain my feelings, she gets more defensive.I will give it some time and see if she writes. I can keep tabs on her in the meantime through the court website and my friend who works at the prison.  She has not been able to come to terms with the hurt she has caused. I used to wonder why in a 12 step program, admitting to that and making amends was so far down the list. I came to understand that when working towards sobriety, the guilt can be overwhelming and impede recovery. It’s a vicious cycle. What she is talking about is the opposite of what rehab teaches. But her stints in rehab have all been through the court, it’s either jail or rehab. Not self motivated. Not that she has tired of street life and drug use. Thank you Deni. My three well children are concerned and very supportive of what I decide to do. They do not want to be involved with their sisters at all. Too many horrific memories of the chaos and drama that comes with drug use. My focus continues to be on my granddaughter. I love Tornado and pray that she will see her light and potential. But that is her journey as long as she chooses to bend to her addiction. I do understand this side of addiction. That’s my conundrum. How much do I stay involved as she grapples with the demons of her past while soothing her wounds with meth use?It is extremely painful. A double edged sword. But my sacrificing myself will not save her. She has stopped in her tracks at half of the first step, admitting she is powerless over the drug. The rest is to see how your life has become unmanageable, then onward to take the steps to work on sober living.  It’s as if she is looking up that stairwell and saying I can’t do the rest, it’s too hard, I’ve tried already, I’m done.Yes. And yet, I can’t allow my love for her to get tangled up in the bind she is in. I can’t allow my empathy for how she must feel about her history, move me back to rescue mode. I have to remind myself that her motivation is also driven by her wanting to be more comfortable in jail, money on her books for candy and better soap, shampoo. It’s like she took a few giant steps forward through rehab and on to sober living, and now has gone all the way back to wanting to be accepted “the way she is.” She has thrown in the towel at this point, and wants me to go along with that. “I can do drugs and be a good person at the same time. I relapsed Mom, but I had my own place, I was working.” Basically she is telling me that she can be a functioning addict and that her family should just accept that. It is dangerous territory for all of us. Her past is water under the bridge, but her refusing sobriety is like rain soaked ground with storm warnings and impending flash floods. “Turn around don’t drown.” That is the ticker tape warning going through my head right now. Do I think my going no contact will motivate her to seek sobriety? No. I don’t think at this point that anything I do or say will be a change agent for her. I need to go into self preservation mode. I have to see the situation through my lens, not hers. Her lens at this point is clouded by her addiction. Do I feel for her? Yes. I do. But, she will have to navigate her ship through the storm, for the time being. I will spend some sleepless nights trying to process this all over again. It is not to say that I will continue no contact, only time will tell what my next step is. Regardless of what she is trying to spin, about emotional reactions being my own issue, I am already feeling the stress in my aching bones. I get that it is addiction talking, but addiction is a heartless beast.I will keep her in my prayers for the time being and take respite to heal.Thank you all so much for your input. It is good to be able to write it all out and receive your kindness, support and understanding. Love and hugsLeaf</blockquote>

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